Last night I watched "The Evil Dead," the hit 1981 film written and directed by Sam Raimi, whom you no doubt know as the director of the popular "Spider Man" films starring Tobey Maguire in the role of a lifetime, and also the producer of the popular television program "Xena: Warrior Princess" starring Lucy Lawless in the role of a princess named Xena who becomes a warrior and establishes a large lesbian fan base in the process.
As hinted at in the title, "The Evil Dead" is mostly about a bunch of dead people who are total dicks to everybody pretty much every chance they get, which turns out to be from about ten minutes into the movie until right up to the very end the movie.
As is often the case with films in which a lot of people end up dying and/or taking their tops off, "The Evil Dead" starts out with five attractive young people driving out into the woods in search of good times and also hopefully intercourse. Along the way, their car breaks down even though the one guy swears he just had it fixed. Lucky for them, there is an abandoned cabin right by where their car stopped working, so they just go inside and start drinking a bunch in hopes that this will lead to intercourse. It is right around this time that Shelly, who is easily the most bangable chick in the movie, gets all pissed at everyone from totally out of nowhere so she decides to wander outside into the woods at night for no apparent reason other than it seems like she can be a real bitch sometimes and that's just the kind of crap she likes to pull sometimes and everyone is pretty much used to it by now so whatever.
Once Shelly gets out into the woods she hears some weird noises so she yells "Is somebody out here? Who's out here?!" into the night a couple times, which was a totally bad move because everybody knows that that's just asking for it as far as movies like this go. Next thing Shelly knows a bunch of vines and tree branches and other plant-based life forms that make up the woods in general come from out of nowhere, pin her down to the ground, ruin her pajamas, and start having intercourse with her. As you can probably imagine, she gets totally pissed about it, which- despite her generally erratic behavior up until this point in the movie- seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to the situation if you ask me.
After Shelly is finished getting banged by all those brances and stuff, she heads back inside and- as is usually the case when someone gets raped by the woods- she pretty much won't shut up about it. She gets so mad in fact that she decides to turn into a zombie and starts running around with a #2 pencil and even stabs one of the other girls in the movie in the ankle with it because she is so mad that all those plants had intercourse with her. Naturally, everyone else in the movie interprets this as a total dick move so they lock her in the basement where she will have no choice but to have a long hard think about things while also being a zombie. And despite the fact that there is now a #2 pencil wielding zombie in the basement, everyone else decides to spend the night at the cabin anyway because they figure it would be a good idea to "get some rest" even though the viewer totally knows this isn't going to happen. It's almost impossible to sleep with zombies in the basement whether they've got #2 pencils or not.
It is important to note at this point that one of main male characters in the movie is named Ashely, which is seriously confusing. Generally speaking, I think it is important for the character's gender in a movie to be clearly defined, especially when other characters in the movie are getting banged by trees and stuff.
Anyway, a few minutes later, Cheryl, the girl who got the pencil stuck in her ankle before I think starts acting like a zombie and then bites off her own hand, which creeped out Ashley and the other guy in the movie, Tom, so much that they decide to make swears at her and chop her up into small pieces even though it ruins the rug.
Not to be outdone, Ashley's girlfriend Linda, who takes her top off earlier in the movie, decides to turn into a zombie too at this point only instead of stabbing anyone in the ankle with a #2 pencil or biting off her own hand, she just sits around mostly and talks in a seriously annoying voice that drives everyone so crazy that Ashley, who is usually pretty cool to her, punches her in the face like five times. She was being such a bitch. Also, Tom ends up dying right around this time.
By the end of the movie, everyone in the movie except for Ashley is dead and also a zombie and as a result Ashley's vacation is totally ruined. He gets so mad he decides to cut the vacation short and no longer stay in that crazy cabin anymore. Then he tries to just put the whole thing behind him, but when the sun comes up in the morning and he goes outside a bunch of vines and branches start coming after him just like they did to Shelly earlier in the movie and the viewer is left to assume that Ashley is totally about to get banged by the woods. Now I bet he understands why Shelly just turned into a total bitch when that happened.
Tonight I am going to watch "The Evil Dead II" to see what happens. I bet after he gets raped by the woods, Ashley is going to be seriously mad and I don't blame him. Trees can be major a-holes sometimes.
Follow Dave Hill on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mrdavehill