Motherhood: All love begins and ends there -- Robert Browning
My wife Cheri at Montauk Point
My wife Cheri and I spent this past Mother's Day weekend in North Babylon, Long Island with our good friends Marco and Patty Furino. Though I am a lifelong resident of Upstate New York, I consider Long Island to be my home away from home. Long Island has special significance to me for another reason. During my first ever weekend visit to Long Island in 2010, Patty Furino helped me discover the bigger picture after the death of my 18-year-old daughter Jeannine. As a result of Patty's guidance, I began to view life and death differently. More importantly I began to see that my identity went beyond the role of bereaved father.
In addition to some rest and relaxation, I was in Long Island to speak at the Angela's House Walk to Remember. The audience was primarily mothers who had experienced the death of a child. The significance of being asked to speak at a Mothers Day event did not escape me. Men and women grieve very differently, yet just as intensely. Those differences may often lead to conflict. I decided that in order for my words to inspire those present that I would need to genuinely acknowledge and honor a mother's path after loss. The remainder of this piece will consist of some remarks from my speech intertwined with some additional observations.
My Female Influences
I have an abundance of female energy in my life and have learned over the years to negotiate it, survive it and celebrate it.
My mother Sadie raised me as a single parent after my father left us; I was five years old. My mother was a warm, intelligent and passionate woman who had unconditional faith in God and the universe.
After my father left, she told me only about his positive qualities. She also told me that in his own way, he loved me with all of his heart. My mother had every right to be bitter and angry but chose to exhibit grace and humility in the most negative of circumstances.
She modeled resiliency for me; her influence helped me face the challenging circumstances we encountered after my father left. Her influence also helped me deal with the challenges that I encountered after Jeannine's death. Who she was became the foundation of who I became and will continue to become. My mother today, remains one of my greatest spiritual teachers.
My mother and me circa 1960s
My wife Cheri to whom I have been married to for almost 34 years, has supported me and loved me unconditionally through both the good and the bad times. She has been a terrific wife, companion and mother to our three children.
I also have a preponderance of female spiritual teachers in addition to Patty who have helped me develop a greater awareness of myself and the world around me. They have taught me to embrace a peaceful perspective in the aftermath of Jeannine's death.
I have learned through my experiences that a woman's path, in the best of times has its own challenges. I have learned to honor that unconditionally.
Honoring Our Differences
Mothers Day weekend is also a time where we honor the paths of those mothers who have experienced the death of their children. Any holiday intensifies our grief, particularly in the early phase. Sometimes holidays draw attention to the differences in how we grieve. Using Cheri's and my relationship as an example, it was a challenge to understand how we grieved after Jeannine's death. I would distract myself from my emotions through work and other activities, she would freely express hers. I did not want to deal with her emotions because her sadness and tears constantly reminded me of a situation that I could not fix. I couldn't give her Jeannine back. Eventually we learned to respect and bear witness to our own unique expressions of grief and not judge it or bend it to our respective wills. Cheri also helped me understand that I did the best I could, given the circumstances of Jeannine's illness. As a result, I could freely honor not only her path, but also mine.
I encourage all fathers and mothers to witness and honor the unique ways that your grief is expressed. In the process, you may discover joy, meaning and a desire to honor your children through service to others .You may also find some moments of peace and a determination to get to the other side of grief together.
I would also encourage both mothers and fathers to invite their children to provide inspiration and guidance while embracing a path of rediscovery. The relationships with our children can continue after their physical death. All that is required is a desire to maintain that bond and a belief that our children continue to live on in a different form.
Alone we can do so little: together we can do so much." -- Helen Keller