A sign from Jeannine April 2014 ©Dave Roberts
Thirteen Years Later
March 1,2016 is the thirteenth angelversary of my daughter Jeannine's death, or her rebirth to a new existence. What effects me every year in the days leading up to March 1st is, much like the grief journey itself, different and unpredictable. Good or bad, it all has something to teach me. Though I am mostly at peace with Jeannine's physical passing, there are still days that the memories of her illness can bring me to my knees. It occurs unceremoniously, without warning. I have learned that is a permanent part of the path that we walk after the death of a child. I would prefer that the occasional return for me to the raw emotional pain of Jeannine's illness and death not be a part of my differently constructed world, but I have discovered its unanticipated benefits. If anything, after thirteen years my ability to experience the deep raw emotion of loss allows me to feel and in the process, develop a deep empathy for those parents who are neophytes in relation to life altering loss. I have learned the true meaning of compassion and altruism.
Transient Angels
The days leading up to an angelversary date can sometimes be more challenging than the day itself. For myself and other parents whose children died due to cancer or another terminal illness, those days could be, the date of diagnosis, the date of their first surgeries, and the date that they stopped treatment. I have experienced the emotions tied into all of those dates, at various times during the past thirteen years. This year however, I began to recall some of the phone calls that I made to friends and co-workers informing them that Jeannine had died. I recalled vividly what I said to them, but moreso what they said to me. Their message to me was one of love for my family and me. I reflected for some time on why those memories made themselves known to me. I then realized that these individuals were whom I refer to as "transient angels, individuals who provided us comfort for simply a moment in time. Many of us who have experienced the death of a child (myself included) used to wonder why the support we received early on after the death of our children, was no longer there. I believe that we crave that support early on, not only because we want our children to be remembered, but because the emotional pain that we experienced early on, was too much for us to bear alone. The reality of loss is that our support circle will continue to evolve, some people will stay, and others will come and go. The "transient angels" who come and go, are meant to be in our lives for a brief moment in time, helping us through a challenging part of our path, when we needed them the most. They are as valuable as those who are in it for the long haul. Their contract to support us was limited to that specific moment in time. The memories that I experienced of my transient angels were a reminder of the people whom I forgot, that helped me when I needed it the most.
My Daughter's Heart
Just a few days before Jeannine's angelversary, I cam across this quote from Let The Wolves Run Free Facebook page:
"Look after my heart, I left it for you."
This teaching really struck a chord with me and I couldn't shake the feeling that I had to sit with this and discover its true meaning for me. What Jeannine left behind to me and to those who knew and loved her was not only her spirit, but also her heart. A heart that contained her hopes and dreams, but moreso the embodiment of who she was when she was alive. I began to realize that mending my own heart after Jeannine's death came about by taking care of hers. Taking care of it meant embodying the characteristics of her heart into my heart. Not only has this helped me discover my true path after loss, but also it has helped me to support others in their quest to navigate the grief of catastrophic loss. I have learned that integration is the new intimacy.
The Process of Integration
Several years ago I developed a model of integrating or embodying the characteristics of our deceased loved ones in order to continue our relationships with them. I referred to it as "Pieces of Me". The model consisted of three basic questions:
•What qualities or characteristics of (deceased loved one's name or nickname) do you admire the most?
•How can you make these qualities a part of your own life so that you can find meaning and joy,amidst the sadness of grief?
•How can you make these qualities a part of your own life so that you can find meaning and joy, so that you can be of service to others?
I also encourage individuals to revisit these questions at different times following loss. As we evolve in our grief and has our deceased loved ones evolve in our new existence, we may discover new characteristics of our loved ones, which we choose to embody.
Integration is the new intimacy.