THE BLOG
10/26/2010 10:47 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Breaking: Republicans Propose Canceling Midterms

Republicans in the House and Senate have proposed a bill to cancel the midterm elections this November. House Minority Leader John Boehner held a press conference in his Capitol Hill office and said, "Do we really need to spend taxpayer money on this upcoming midterm election? The results are clear. We're going to take the House... and the Senate too." Boehner said that if the election was canceled, it would save taxpayers about $87 million.

As to figuring out just who holds which seats, Boehner said, "I've proposed giving the Republicans 300 seats. And the Democrats 135. I like round numbers, and that seems fair to me." According to the bill, Boehner's office would decide which Democratic House members are removed (he's said he plans on the targeting "the most liberal"); he's also proposing that these House members who he removes be held for treason. "Execution, again, seems like a reasonable course of action. It's what the American public wants, isn't it? I mean... I just looked at some Fox News polling, and that's what it's telling me."

When asked if the Senate would follow course, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, concurred, saying, "I think Congressman Boehner has a good point. This election is just more evidence of tax-and-spend policies by the Democrat [sic] Party. Instead of spending almost $100 million on election workers and machinery, shouldn't that money be better spent on job creation?"

Congressman Michele Bachman, a co-sponsor of the bill along with Texas Republican Joe Wilson, took the issue of election spending one step further. At the press conference in the House minority leader's office, she said, "You know, here in Minnesota we care deeply about the national debt. The American people don't want to waste money on elections of any sort. So I'd like to propose calling off the presidential election of 2012 as well. The American people have spoken, and they want the Tea Party to lead this country." Bachman cited as evidence the current cover story in New York magazine about the potential ascension of Sarah Palin to the presidency. Holding the current issue up for photographers, Bachman said, "See, it's right here. 'President Palin'. I think we can save millions of hard-earned taxpayer dollars by just scrapping the primaries and the general election altogether."

McConnell offered Democrats an olive branch by allowing any liberal member of Congress the opportunity to commit suicide before going on trial for treason. "If the Democrat kills him- or herself, then we save even more money for the taxpayers. It's a win-win."