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A Brief Translation of Eric Holder's Letter to the Appeals Court

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Remember those teachers who tried to teach their students by force? It never worked, did it? On the contrary, those who laughed with their students, and respected them, and allowed them freedom to express themselves, were revered by their students for the rest of their lives.

I'll bet you a dollar, if appeals court judge Jerry Smith was a high school teacher, he'd be the character on whom Roger Waters would've based Pink Floyd's "The Wall."

Interrupting a U.S. attorney who was arguing a completely separate case and ordering her to give her boss a homework assignment of an essay, in which he clearly infers the president and the attorney general had better "recognize who's boss," is one of the more pathetic displays of power you will see for some time to come. This guy manages to make Scalia look timid.

It's probably fair to say that practically every executive in business or politics has one face when addressing the public and another behind closed doors. And you know exactly what Mr. Holder would really like to say to this judge.

Thus, the following is a line by line, quick and easy translation, of what the attorney general was really saying to Judge Jerry Smith, when forced to write a letter swearing his allegiance to "Zod."

What he said:
"The power of the courts to review the constitutionality of legislation is beyond dispute."

What he meant:
"Duh!"

What he said:
"While duly recognizing the courts' authority to engage in judicial review, the Executive Branch has often urged courts to respect the legislative judgments of Congress."

What he meant:
"We send this stuff to y'all as a courtesy. So, do us all a favor, and stay the f&%k out of s&#t that the American people have already decided!!!"

What he said:
"The courts accord particular deference when evaluating the appropriateness of the means Congress has chosen to exercise its enumerated powers to accomplish constitutional ends."

What he meant:
"You guys might have a point if Boehner and Pelosi flipped a coin, or played 'Rock, Paper, Scissors.'"

What he said:
"The question posed by the Court regarding judicial review does not concern any argument made in the government's brief or at oral argument in this case."

What he meant:
"Once again, you Republican blowhards are clearly trippin'!"

What he said:
"The Department [of Justice] has not in this litigation, nor in any other litigation of which I am aware, ever asked this or any other Court to reconsider or limit long-established precedent concerning judicial review of the constitutionality of federal legislation."

What he meant:
"Take a Valium, kid. The visions you have, in which you're a puppet with zero authority, forced to act in the best interests of the citizens of this country, are just nightmares. So, try and relax. Mommy made some ice cream."

and, finally:

What he said:
"The president's remarks were fully consistent with the principles described herein."

What he meant:
"Back off, mofos. Barack's my boy. If you come at him, you come at me, and everyone else in this joint!"

Personally, I hope the Supreme Court reverses the decision on health care. After Citizens United, it may very well prove to be the final straw for the majority of Americans who've long believed there needs to be major changes in the selection, term limits, and practically "monarch-like" status given to these untouchable justices. Revolution, anyone?