In a move applauded by most pundits, and all Americans with an I.Q. over 7, the four leading candidates vying for the Republican nomination have unanimously agreed to eliminate facts of any kind from all future debates, thereby assuring themselves of no more "annoying questions" following each round.
Having each already been given a taste of what hypocrisy, and just plain buffoonery, feels like firsthand, each candidate, not eager to relive another "foot-in-mouth" moment anytime soon, immediately cast his vote in favor of the motion, as did all three major networks.
Super PACs nationwide are rejoicing in the news. Tim Diener, founder of super PAC The Rich for Gingrich, stated, "We were pretty much wingin' it, anyway. This just makes it official. Besides, being held responsible for your actions the morning after you make up your own statistic takes all the fun out of it. I think we're in for some real creativity going forward."
Rick Santorum was quoted as saying, "It's quite a relief knowing we won't be held accountable for the things we say. And, it's about time."
Below are a few of the subjects and tactics eliminated from future presidential debates:
1. Anything and everything relating to, or pertaining to, actual truth or what's really happening.
2. The use of any fact-based statistical quotes or polls pertaining, but not limited to, employment and job creation, immigration, health care, divorce, global warming, medical marijuana, military spending, etc.
3. Any topic referencing the financial or economic reform of Wall St. (as everyone already knows they're full of it).
4. Hot-button issues, such as, "A woman's right to choose" will be watered down to the more fashionable, "A woman's right to Jimmy Choos."
5. Being none of the candidates can pronounce "Ahmadinejad," the subject of foreign policy is also out and will be replaced with heated discussion on "Afterdinnerjackets."
6. No more "Open marriage" jokes. This not a roast.
7. Any and all comments relating to "Freddie Mac" will now be replaced by less strenuous discussions on pre-approved subjects, such as, "Big Macs," "Fleetwood Mac" or "Mac Davis."
A much lauded benefit of these new regulations will be the freedom afforded the candidates to make up their own historical facts, including names, dates, places, etc., without fear of reprisal.
The one controversial addition to the debates will be the use of "Googling" during your answer, as each candidate will be given an even thirty seconds to look up the correct response. Some members of the media have expressed outrage at this move, but they need to keep in mind, it's just a presidential debate. Not something important, like Trivia Night at the pub.
New subjects agreed on by the candidates and networks, and approved for discussion before the nation, include: Tastes great/Less filling, Who's the tallest in the room?, Favorite colors and Yankees or Mets?
Due to the "degree of difficulty" being drastically lowered, the networks have agreed to move the airing of the debates from 8pm weeknights to 10am Saturday morning.
Follow David Fagin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/nikchapman