Helping Your Child Deal With Bullying

Bullying is a common experience for many children and adolescents. Research indicates that half of all children are bullied at some time during their school years, and at least 10 percent are bullied on a regular basis. The National Education Association estimates that over 160,000 children stay home from school every day because of bullying. According to the 2009 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 19.9 percent of students say they had been bullied on school property during the 12 months before the survey.

Children who are bullied can experience serious emotional difficulties. Bullying can interfere with social development, self-esteem and school performance. Victims of bullying are also at increased risk for problems with anxiety and depression. Some victims of bullying even attempt suicide in an effort to escape the ongoing harassment.

Children who bully thrive on controlling or dominating others. They may be depressed, angry or upset about events at school or at home. Sometimes, they've been victims of abuse or bullying themselves. Children who bully are at risk for future problems at work and in personal relationships. They also have an increased risk of substance abuse and legal difficulties.

There are lots of ways parents can help a child who is being bullied. These include:

• Create an open, honest and supportive environment. Encourage your child to talk about what's happening. Don't blame them for the harassment. Let them know that you'll help them figure out what to do.

• Encourage your child to be assertive rather than aggressive when confronted by a bully. Suggest walking away to avoid the bully or seeking help from a teacher, coach or other adult.

• Help your child practice what to say to a bully so he or she will be prepared.

• If the bullying is occurring at school, talk to your child's teacher, guidance counselor or principal sooner, rather than later. Schools now realize that bullying is a serious issue. Most have implemented specific policies and procedures to intervene as early as possible.

• Encourage your child to travel with friends when going to and from school, during shopping trips or on other outings. Bullies are less likely to pick on a child in a group.

• If your child shows signs of stress, anxiety or depression, get an evaluation by a trained and qualified mental health professional. Such signs may include trouble eating or sleeping, irritability, reduced energy or reluctance to go to school. Some children may also react to stress with increased physical complaints including headaches or stomachaches.

If you believe your child is bullying others, try and talk to them about what's going on. Are they angry or upset? Is there a problem at school or with friends? Rather than punishing them, let them know that you're concerned and that you want to help. Consider talking to the child's teacher, guidance counselor or family physician. If the behavior persists, ask for a referral to an appropriate mental health professional.

Although bullying is a common experience of childhood, the effects can be significant and long term. Early identification and intervention for both bullies and their victims can reduce the risk of lasting emotional consequences.

More information about bullying is available from:

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Maine Project Against Bullying

National PTA

American Medical Association

Dr. Fassler is a child and adolescent psychiatrist affiliated with Otter Creek Associates in Burlington. He is a Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont, and the Director of Advocacy and Public Policy for the Vermont Center for Children, Youth and Families.

 

Comments

[Shaun Hensley]

03:59 AM on 10/11/2010

I am so tired of the 'target' focused advice vs. the bully focused advice.

We do NOT have to accept that bullying can not be curtailed with societal sanctions.

[vetxcl]

03:37 AM on 10/09/2010

i recommend self-defense classes.

[martintillier]

07:20 PM on 10/08/2010

It was when I was thirteen, a boy that was taller and more muscled than anyone in the class, including the teacher, threatened me with a "doing", I laughed in his face and I remember the look on his, utter disappointment. When a challenge like that is immediately and unhesitatingly called-out, on his bluff, especially when its kids, the bully has to either act right away,or never even try bullying again. The only problem with this response is that one has to be ready for the psycho who will always relish a fight, and knowing how to take even a one-man riot down becomes a necessary skill, for many of us, it was as much a matter of geography as anything else, you had to know how to fight, or you'd get bullied. If you can be bullied, then you usually end up in a gang, as a subordinate, learning how to be a bully. Or you can be your own man from the start, and then no-one tries to bully you after that, its a simple enough response to a bully, show contempt through laughter, for his over-estimation of his own ability to arouse fear. Might not do much for his issues, but kids aren't psychiatrists, they've got to learn that confidence right away, to take a stand against assailable odds, to stop a bully in their tracks, and it kills the fear of bullying by rendering it contemptible.

[wlwings]

10:44 AM on 10/09/2010

Good post. Thanks. I find what is missing in articles like this are specific suggestions of what to do 'in the moment' of being bullied. Of course we adults should be supporting children, being present for them and encouraging conversation. We should also have a zero tolerance policy and stand up for our children and have their backs. But we need to hear a lot more practical advice and specific suggestions for what will stop the bullying - through a child's lens, so that they are able to use the tools we give them. In those heartfelt conversations with our children we should be able to be very specific around what to try, and we should be doing some practicing with them too. Children so often 'do not have the language' for expressing themselves. So role-playing, with use of the words and phrases and attitudes, in order to normalize this for them, is key. If Mom plays the bully and the child plays himself - it is a safe environment to practice what to say and how to be when it is really happening.

[martintillier]

04:16 PM on 10/09/2010

wiwings --- Thanks for the interest, I think you shone a light on a good point about the specifics of what to do in a confrontational moment, what things to say, I'm sure it will depend heavily, though not exclusively on what the local, contemporary "street talk" or other,possibly socio-geographic factors that may be involved. There are many ways to defuse a situation, but at the time, it should be obvious to just about any kid who goes to school regularly, what would be a no-no, and what will most often work. Its having the confidence to say, "put your face up for what your mouth just said", without having to say it,although there are no guarantees, it can get rough out there, and the signs of it going way too far should hopefully be obvious before any potential fisticuffs,or, sadly, these days, worse.