Dick Morris and Ann Coulter: Old Charlatans Try New Tricks

Taking his cue from Lincoln, who said "you can fool some of the people all of the time," political guru Dick Morris wants to extend his personal brand. His new pitch is the perfect complement to his latest tome, Fleeced: How Barack Obama, Media Mockery of Terrorist Threats, Liberals Who Want To Kill Talk Radio, The Do-Nothing Congress, Companies That Help Iran, And Washington Lobbyists For Foreign Governments Are Scamming Us...And What To Do About It. Morris writes to Human Events subscribers:

"This 'New New Deal,' as some Democrats are already calling it, may well have the same result as the original one: to turn a sharp, painful recession into a long Depression...But believe it or not, I'm not writing to you today to warn of the dangers of an Obama presidency -- I suspect you know them all too well. What I am writing to you about is how to protect your own financial well-being during the hard times to come...It's crucial to understand: Hard times for America does not necessarily mean hard times for you. As a very wise investment expert of my acquaintance, Nicholas Vardy, likes to say, 'No matter what the state of financial markets, there is always a strategy out there that can make you money.'"

Vardy picks up the baton and then runs with it:

"So let me show you how you could become rich in the next 12 months, with...

"Secrets from Behind the Locked Doors of the World's Best Investors
...[plus]
"How to Profit When Everyone Around You Is Losing their Shirt
...[plus]
"My Global Stock Investor is the only newsletter that brings you opportunities straight from the alpha investors, while investment ideas are fresh and new, before they filter down to the masses.
...
"If you crave undreamed-of riches that can come from participating in the biggest, newest markets, I urge you to...

"Act now to subscribe to Global Stock Investor at 60% off -- it's like getting 7 months FREE!
Or, if you want an even better deal...

"Join Me for Two Years -- it's Like Getting 15 Months FREE!

"You'll get 24 monthly issues, 104 weekly hotlines, the website, and 4 special reports.

"But best of all, for a limited time you can get 24 months of my Global Stock Investor for just $189. It's like getting 15 months for FREE!"

Give Morris credit. He knows his market. If, like most readers of Human Events, you believe that tax cuts pay for themselves or the Iraq invasion made America safer, then of course you believe that "you could become rich in the next 12 months, with secrets from behind the locked doors of the world's best investors." Conservative spinmeisters rely on an immutable rule of demographics: There's a sucker born every minute.

Ann Coulter offers a very similar pitch:

"According to CNNMoney.com, Wall Street securities and investment firms have given over $35 million to Democratic candidates this election cycle. And the amount they've given to the Obama campaign is nearly five times the amount they've given to McCain.

"If you've been wondering why the financial industry has been in meltdown -- and taking your 401(k) or investment portfolio down with it -- now you know.

"Let's face it: The former frat boys who populate Wall Street today understand economics about as well as the pinko professors whose courses they snored through.

"That's why betting their entire industry on 'subprime' loans to people with no jobs and no collateral made sense to them -- and why betting the entire U.S. economy on the likes of Obama makes sense to them now.

"These jokers don't even know what's in their own self-interest, much less yours. Trusting them with your money is like trusting Bill Clinton to babysit your underage niece.

"But I know someone you can trust to manage your investments -- or rather, to help you do it yourself, without paying a nickel in commissions to some Wall Street frat boy.

"His name is Dr. Mark Skousen -- that's 'Dr.' as in 'Ph.D. in Economics and Monetary History,' something you don't get by playing Beer Pong with your frat buddies. For the past 28 years, subscribers to his investment newsletter, Forecasts & Strategies, have profited enormously from his uncanny ability to predict major market trends before they happen -- often while the Wall Street establishment is pointing investors the other way."

The esteemed Dr. Skousen asks the question on everyone's mind:

"So, how can you "Obama-proof" your portfolio before the coming tsunami of big-government and redistributed wealth hits American shores?

"You'll find the answers to that question -- including seven specific 'Obama-Proof' investments -- in a new Investor's Dossier I've just prepared called Obamanomics & Your Money: How To Profit From The Coming Big-Government Tsunami.

"Better yet, Obamanomics & Your Money is yours FREE just for trying my investment newsletter, Forecasts & Strategies....

"One year of Forecasts & Strategies normally costs $249. But right now, you can take advantage of the Special New Subscriber Savings Rate of just $77 per year."

But wait. There's more! My favorite Human Events pitch comes from Mac "X" The Whistleblower and opens with a warning...

"Hello,

"Please forgive the 'cloak and dagger', but I'm going out on a limb by telling you this...

"I don't know how 'they' have done it... How do 'they' 'hide' access to the biggest pile of money in the world? How do 'they' manage to fill their fat coffers from it, day after day, while going relatively unnoticed? 'They' have profited for long enough... now it's YOUR turn...

"How do I know all this? Who are 'they'?

"'They' are the Wall Street fat-cats. And I used to work for them.

"The next few minutes will expose you to highly sensitive information...

"... If you're NOT interested in retiring from work
within a year (like I did), you should NOT read any further.

"This is VERY confidential stuff and I only want people who are serious about coming with me on a 'profit-party' like no other. There's nothing illegal or even unethical about this, but I'm about to reveal shocking news which strikes to the heart of 'The Establishment' and world banking... and unlocks access to wealth you never imagined!

"Please; you must understand, the 'elite' would NOT be at all happy with me if they knew what I was about to tell you- if they even got the slightest whiff I was about to offer you a piece of the action... because that's considered to be reserved for, well, the 'elite'. That's why we have to tread carefully, as you'll see...

"I successfully gate-crashed their little party and can now empower YOU to follow in my footsteps to fast retirement...
[...]

"Within a Year of Privately Using The Powerful Secret 'They' Taught Me, And Aged Just 35, I Left My High-Flying Trading Job. I Now 'Work' Just Half an Hour Each Day From Home!
May I Show You How to do the Same?

[...]
"As you become more confident of the consistency of the Insider Code to siphon daily cash out of the currency markets, you'll probably feel more confident about trading with larger amounts. You make your choice; either live on the cash or save it up for a larger chunk...

"The numbers are exciting if you leave the money in the pot though. Let me give you a demonstration of the power of compounding:

"Let's say you make $300 a day and instead of spending it, you reinvest the profits to trade with more. Let's say you double your trading stake each month for 6 months starting with the minimum...

"... You'd have $378,000 clear in your bank account after just 6 months!

"But please don't look at this as some lame get-rich-quick scheme or game of chance; they never work. I want you to understand what I'm offering here is real hand-holding to create a consistent, automated income which never dies. When it's done right, It's like having your own personal ATM!

"Once you learn and apply the secret Insider Code I will teach you, you'll never want for anything again...

"Follow me on a proven path to retirement within a year. Using "The Insider Code" - the HIGHLY privileged secret I was given by the establishment you could retire within a year after using it and the 'hidden' mountain of money it exploits mercilessly. Don't delay!"

The price: $1977.00, plus $14.95 for shipping and handling.

Just think how much you could make if Obama didn't raise your taxes.

Comments

[BlackJAC]

Does Ann Coulter kiss her husband with that mouth?

[elizaconnors]

I'm sorry! I always thought that they were in it for the money. All they do is spew nonsense and hope that someone will pay them for it.

[billstewart]

Obama's policies _will_ be seriously bad for the economy - just not anywhere near as bad as McCain's would have been (because he's clueless) or Bush's (because he only cared about power, and had no sense of fiscal or moral responsibility, and viewed paying for his wars as a problem for a future president.) And if you can't make money in that environment as an investor, you can still make it selling investment advice to the fearful and hopeful types, whether that's right-wingers saying to Hoard Gold during inflationary markets or positive-thinking liberals pushing No Money Down house speculation during real estate bubbles.

And yes, this former frat boy did sleep through his economics classes, but the professor was Chicago School, and was pacing the class for non-mathematicians; he'd wake up the engineers when we needed to hear the next point. The real secrets are diversification, balancing risk vs return, and paying attention to details about what's going on.

[larry278]

Small problem, the package the Dr's selling deals with the world which exixted before 9/15/08. That world is gone. Obama knew that & won the election because he recognized that the pre 9/15/08 world is gone. The Dr's nearly $2000 package doesn't deal with the new reality & the measures W & Co have taken to deal with the post 9/15/08 world. Obama will be dealing with & responding to the new world. The Dr's "Obama proofing" package is based upon what was CW before 9/15/08. The rules have changed; the game has changed. Some of the pre-9/15/08 instruments don't exist any more. The 'secets' can't be used for the 'secrets' are obsolete.
Dick, Ann & the Dr have been pased by because they haven't recognized the post 9/15/08 changed world.
The old dogs are doing the same old tricks. They don't even know about the new tricks; so they can't learn them. Use the Dr's secrets & you'll be eating at the dumpster. The ATM has been moved & you need a new PIN. The Dr doesn't know that; his secrets don't deal with that either.

[Yermammy]

OH GOODY! Sign me up! When Sarah's sworn in and I'm rich, it's going to be peachy! You betcha!

[IvyShoots]

These snake oil pitches don't surprise me, but it's non sequiturs like this that never fail to get my goat:

"Trusting them with your money is like trusting Bill Clinton to babysit your underage niece."

However much they may despise Clinton, when has he EVER been even remotely linked to pedophilia? And the "underage" specification is redundant in a babysitting context.
Worse than stupidity is hateful stupidity. These clowns haz it.

[progressor]

This is excellent. The hate mongering right is regulated to "infomercial" like attacks. Maybe we'll on late night TV next to that guy with the big white teeth!

[gnorrfa]

now we'll be barraged with endless media stories on obama's secret life, the murders committed and hidden, the phony bank accounts, the same old, endless, phony made-up tales of impropriety, infinite muck to slather on the new administration. why not, rush limbaugh came up with a new set of lies that you might find on his website. and end it at that.

[IMissAmerica]

Come on now, give Morris and Coulter a break. The fear-and-h­atemongers have to make a living in the new America somehow. Their lives are starting to spin like the water in a toil et bowl when it's flushed.... and you know where that leads.

Oh hahahahaha!

[McNuts]

Why do I have this image of Morris voraciously licking Coulter/Malkin toes while they flog him with wet Enquirers.

[pearlysue]

Can I get the Brooklyn Bridge thrown in with that?

Rogo99, yes she actually did say "pinko"! (She really is an old white dude.) But-- it did give me a giggle, gotta take them where you find them these days. : )

[Dystopic]

so she's a "female" archie bunker

[msjimmied]

Is this a joke? Seriously? I thought retribution comes in time, but so soon?

[nyboomer]

It's been upgraded to a sucker born every nanosecond.

Anyone who buys investment advice touted by a conservative pundit deserves to die poor and most probably will.

How sad that the people who told us how great Bush is and how wonderful life will be when McCain is president can now predict who knows what about money.

[feo]

Poor Anne Coulter. Must be tough to be a McCain hater and an Obama hater. I guess neither Joe Stalin nor Pol Pot was running this year.

[miocid31]

why are we bothering with all this noise?