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Congress Announces BP to Be Boiled in Their Own Oil

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A furious Congress, with an even angrier President Obama behind them, announced unprecedented punishment against British Petroleum for its part in what is shaping up to be the worst man-made catastrophe in American history. In addition to being responsible for cleanup of the Gulf Shore waters to the tune of $1,000,000,000,000,000, leading BP executives, including president Tony Hayward, will be boiled in their own oil.

For once Democrats and Republicans are united as Americans, sickened and horrified by images of helpless fish and birds coated with oil or gasping for breath. And they, like the rest of America, want someone to pay. Congress tried in vain to get satisfaction from what many saw as a smug, stonewalling British Petroleum president, who kept insisting, "I'm not stonewalling." Despite being pilloried and pelted with questions based on internal BP documents that show incontrovertibly systematic disregard for safety in lieu of profit, Hayward hid behind his imperious British accent, declaring, "I'm not a cement engineer... I'm not a drilling engineer... I'm not an oceanographic expert..."

Several members of Congress remarked that they were reminded of Sgt. Schultz from the TV show Hogan's Hero, who personified Nazis turning a blind eye to evil and kept repeating, "I know nothing, I know nothing, I know nothing."

"Shame on you!" "I am thoroughly disgusted!" "You're insulting our intelligence!" On and on, Congress tried their best to shame the apparently shameless BP president. But after being rebuffed and frustrated one too many times, key Congressman met secretly behind closed doors and decided on this radical and unprecedented punishment. The shocking decision to boil BP executives in their own oil will undoubtedly result in enormous controversy, but Congress is undeterred. "We're fed up and when I couldn't take it anymore," proclaimed one congressman off the record, "let 'em boil!" Initial polls indicate that 97% of Americans surveyed agree.

In a side note, Congress decided that Republican Joe Barton, who repeatedly apologized to British Petroleum, would be thrown into the vat of boiling BP oil with the soon to be crispy BP executives.