In an attempt to generate more income in the face of the current relentless economic downturn, Major League Baseball has decided to start a Steroid Hall of Fame. They have not yet convinced a city to host what one high-ranking official from MLB described as, "A great way to capitalize on a glorious time in baseball history that has been unfortunately and unfairly tarred and feathered!" But they are confident they will not have to accept the only offer currently on the table, which is to share space with the Anchovy Museum outside Dead Horse, Alaska.
According to a reliable source near the top of Major League Baseball, the Steroids Hall of Fame will be modeled after the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. There will be mementos, memorabilia, and busts of players. "Only we're going to super-size the whole thing, with these enormous statues of all the guys, their massive magnificent muscles rippling, those titanic gunboats fully loaded, I swear to God, it gives me chills just think about it. Plus, we have actual needles players used, we've got samples of the clear and the cream that customers can rub on themselves, and we even have the shriveled testicle of one very famous ballplayer, whose name I'm not at liberty to mention."
A top official at Major League Baseball has leaked an internal memo revealing those players who are believed to be certain first-time ballot inductees.
1B: Mark McGwire. There's some stiff competition at this position, but you have to go with Big Mac. He got so gianormous, and then to watch him whimper like a neutered dog in front of Congress -- priceless!
2B: Gary Sheffield. True, he never really played second base, but he was a middle infielder, and he's such a horse's patoot, it didn't seem fair to leave him off the starting nine.
SS: Alex Rodriguez. No-brainer. A-Rod went from skinny kid to Terminator Middle Infielder in like, 15 minutes. And he was such a weasel on TV lying right through his teeth, that's Hall of Fame stuff.
3B: Ken Caminiti. It's sad, but the truth is, when this guy was 'roiding up, he was a monster. And let's face it, we need a cautionary tale thrown in here for the kids. That's how we'll spin it anyway.
CF: Lenny Dykstra. It was hysterical how Nails ended one season looking like a son of a toothpick, and came to spring training the next year with his neck, chest and shoulders so pumped up you could barely see his tiny little pin head.
RF: José Canseco. Hey, if it weren't for him, the Steroid Hall of Fame would not be possible. He's the juicer's juicer, you have to give the devil his due.
LF: Barry Bonds. Poster boy. We have these fantastic busts of his head over the years, and they just keep getting bigger, the last one looks like it could float in the Macy's Day Parade. And we have some spectacular "backne" shots, it looks like Orion's belt in pimples.
DH: Rafael Palmiero. When he got up in front of Congress and started waving that steroid-bloated finger around, we were laughing our *sses off. (SIDEBAR: We need to start a smear campaign against Congress, get their nose out of our business, I mean come on, why aren't they tracking down Osama bin Laden? don't they have a broken health care system to fix? shouldn't they be getting the economy out of the crapper?)
PITCHER: Roger Clemens. The worst liar in the history of liars. When he was testifying, his eyes kept shifting all around, he couldn't stop tugging at his collar, licking his lips. If it wasn't so funny, it would've been pitiful.
Critics claim that Major League Baseball willfully turned a blind eye to the use of steroids, because of the unprecedented growth in popularity and profits due to suddenly gigantic ballplayers hitting ridiculous amounts of home runs.
"We couldn't kill the goose that was laying all those golden eggs," one high-ranking Major League Baseball official said, "and now we've found a sure-fire way of turning that goose into a cash cow. And steroid wise, at this point mostly we've gone after journeyman, minor leaguers, and Latinos, for obvious reasons, but we're very close to revealing some very big names. Big, big, big! Trust me, we've only seen the tip of the iceberg here, but instead of going down like the Titanic, we're setting course for a brave new world, and we want to keep doing the most important thing there is, what Major League Baseball is really all about: making money."
Follow David Henry Sterry on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sterryhead