Do you believe in magic? Do you believe in the occult and witchcraft? I believe in David Copperfield or David Blaine magic but magic-magic - I don't know. Besides the 1998 movie Practical Magic, which is a real classic, I don't really. Although the more I think about it I did watch American Horror Story's "Coven" last season as well. And, now that I think about it more, I think I'm going to see Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac next weekend - hmmm, maybe I do believe in more magic than I think. Oh my God, as I'm writing this I'm remembering I think I watched every episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I have a black cat for God's sake. I only got the black cat in case cats start talking like they do in Sabrina. What's the matter with me? Why am I watching all these witchcraft magic shows? I think I've just come out of the closet. Let me get back in the closet by talking about sports.
I have been betting on sports for years. Years ago, I lost so much money the bookies made me work for them to pay it back. I learned a lot. I also found out I'm a sucker. You see, there are sharps and suckers. The suckers are guys like me that are idiots and like to bet on the Akron University Zips because their school name is funny and apparently I like to lose. Then there are the sharps that actually seem to know what they are doing and win money. Everyone has a system and their system usually stinks. This month however, I have found a full proof magical mystical mystery tour system. It is - The Magic Pendulum.
My friend Irene has told me for years that she has a magical mysterious pendulum that picks football games. I laughed at her stupidity forever UNTIL I came face to face with the magical pendulum the entire month of September. I began doing a sports and television show podcast on September 1. I told Irene, "ok hotshot, let's see your Pendulum put its money where its mouth is." I texted her the first game to choose. It was a pick 'em game. This means there was no spread from Las Vegas, a team did not have to win by a number of points. This was just choosing which team will win, and which team will lose. The first game was the Cincinnati Bengals vs. the Baltimore Ravens. Although I was watching the Jets game at a bar, my eyes kept straying to the Bengals/Ravens monitor. The Bengals were up 15-0 at the half. All field goals. It was weird. Then I got kind of hooked. The Ravens scored a touchdown and then a bunch of field goals and ended up taking the lead, but with 4 minutes left in the game, Cincinnati scored a touchdown and won the game. The Pendulum never fails.
Week 2, I gave her the Buffalo Bills vs. the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins had just come off of beating Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. But, She (Irene refers to her Pendulum as She) picked the Buffalo Bills. The Bills were up 9-0 in the first half. Field goals again. Weird. The third quarter made things a little tighter, I start to doubt the Pendulum, It's 12-7. Then all of the sudden the Bills go crazy and win the game 29-10. The Pendulum never fails.
Week 3, still not convinced, I give her a real toughie. The Detroit Lions against the Green Bay Packers. She (the Pendulum) picks the Detroit Lions. I am shocked. I am at the actual Giants game, but am completely fixated on the out of town scoreboard where the Lions are leading 12-7 at the half. There is no scoring in the third quarter. One touchdown from the great Aaron Rodgers and the Packers and it's over, but the Lions make a touchdown and the final score is a strange 19-7 win. The pendulum never fails.
OK, now I'm crazy intrigued. What is this magic? I invited Irene on my show last week to see how the Pendulum works in person. I must know. I must see it live. She takes the Pendulum out of a small bag. It looks like a little weighted bullet on a necklace chain. I thought it would be different, didn't you? This time we had her pick the toughest one yet. The Dallas Cowboys against the high flying amazing New Orleans Saints. This one there was even a spread of 3. In gambling talk that means that the New Orleans Saints would have to win by 3 points or more for one to win money. Irene meditated a bit. Then through some alien force of mysticism, the Pendulum began to swing clockwise. Apparently, that was telling us the Dallas Cowboys would win the game. That meant the spread made no difference. She was picking the underdog to upset the New Orleans Saints. This was a very very bold pick.
Sunday Night I was out to dinner with some friends as the game was going on. I was trying not to get obsessed. I finally looked at my phone to see the score. Again, thinking, "There's just no way". It's the middle of the third quarter and the Cowboys are up 31-3. Are you kidding me? That's impossible. Against the Saints? Final score Cowboys 38, Saints 17. The Cowboys never blow anyone out. And the Saints, never get blown out. The Pendulum beat the home team of the Voodoo capital of the world.
This is getting real. What force is it that surrounds the Pendulum? When Irene was on my show last week she had stopped at a store and said she was looking at a diamond pendulum. I want to buy it for her. But wait, is that the scam? It can't be. She (the Pendulum) picked all those games. This week, I'm picking another big Sunday Night game. The Cincinnati Bengals (who are undefeated) against Tom Brady (who clearly made some sort of mystical deal in his life, perhaps with the devil) and the great New England Patriots. She has chosen the New England Patriots, which is a controversial pick after their shellacking last Monday night in Kansas City. Stay tuned?
The magic continues every week (and when I say magic I mean the sweet comedy magic that just comes out of thin air) on my show. Listen and prepare to be amazed. Do you believe?!
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"The Spread with Dave Juskow"