THE BLOG
04/05/2014 08:07 am ET | Updated Jun 05, 2014

My Man Won't Commit, Why Not? 8 Critical Questions!

Whether you live in an area chock o' block full of eligible males or a remote location where single men are scarce, one thing is a given.

Many men are commitment phobic. We won't delve into the reasons here. They're unimportant. What we will do is look for signs that he may be the right guy and then discuss tactics to encourage him to commit.

We often use a Mind Acrobatics™ photo that relaxes us as we ponder. Here's one taken in a city where men are plentiful and women claim "they're all either married or gay."

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Photo courtesy of Adrianna Bach

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. I believe men and women are wired differently.

Although times and mores have changed, in general men find it much easier to engage in sex without feeling any spiritual or emotional commitment. I know that's not always the case, but it is the more common scenario, although it's changed somewhat with the Millennials.

When we meet someone of the opposite sex most often there's an initial chemical attraction. But as we all know it's only one ingredient in the complex mosaic of a relationship. Albeit an important one!

Our physical urges often cloud our cognitive reasoning. As a coach I'm so often distressed by the frustration of my clients. They describe a seemingly perfect match, but are unable to move the relationship to the next level.

This is when we engage in a variety of introspective questions to help us clarify the quality of the relationship and its impact on the individual.

These are a just a few of the questions I often ask:

1. "How strong is the physical chemistry on a scale of 0 - 10?"
2."How comfortable and good does he make you feel about yourself?"
3. "How much of the real "me" do you share when you're together?"
4."In an emergency how do you feel he would respond?"
5."What kind of father would he make?" Even if children are not part of the equation.
6."What are the three qualities he possesses that you most admire?"
7."What would your answer be if he asked you to marry him tomorrow?"
8."What makes him the right man for you?" Describe this in one sentence.

The point of the above is to help you assesses if this is a guy who has as close to
'it all'
as can be reasonably expected.

If the answer is yes, then there are actions you can take.

Mind Acrobatics Exercise: Is He Mr. Right?

Materials & Time Required

Comfortable clothing
Writing instrument and paper or journal
Comfort Food
Peaceful location to sit or recline
Twenty uninterrupted minutes

Part #1

Take your paper and draw a vertical line down the page.
On the left hand column write "What I like most about (insert name) "
On the right hand column write "What (insert name) does that frustrates and annoys me most!"

Part #2

1. Make yourself comfortable.
2. Take 5 slow breaths.
3. Munch on your snack.
4. Be aware of the moment and relax. Imagine you are on a tropical isle.

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Photo courtesy of Adrianna Bach

5. For the next 15 minutes write in pure stream of consciousness on both columns.
6. Don't over think. Don't censor. Just record whatever comes to mind.
7. Stop when it feels appropriate.
8. Put the list away to look at later.

In a day or two when you have some down time take out the list. Look carefully and cross out all you feel is unimportant to you.

Now with an open mind look at what you have recorded. If you find that the plus column far outweighs the minus column... you've got something to work with.

Ask yourself "What do I think is stopping him from taking our relationship further?" What if anything comes to mind?

You may discover there seems to be no logical reason that he doesn't want to commit.

That's O.K. and not uncommon.

No, you can't pressure or cajole a guy into commitment. Yes, you can have a bit of fun and get some valuable insight into your relationship.

Prepare a piece of paper just like above but insert your name in the two columns. The next time you see your guy tell him you just completed a COSMO survey. He'll believe that:)

Ask him to take it and say you'll have fun comparing notes later.

Then give him some space.

If he's a communicative kind of guy he'll be willing to participate. If he's not, you've got a great clue staring you in the face.

When the time and mood is right enjoy a cup of coffee or glass of wine as you review the exercise together.

When you're finished, if all goes positively as planned, simply say "that was fun wasn't it" and move on to another topic or activity.

Say no more about it. Let him ruminate, cogitate and evaluate.

What's written below is only if you have been dating for some time, feel you really want to test the waters and are willing to accept the results. It's risky. I suggest speaking with a life coach, therapist or confidant before trying this! If the thought of his possibly breaking up with you is unacceptable absolutely don't engage in the following!

Game playing... not something I usually advocate... however the results can be revealing!

Call him the next day and say you are aggravated. A family commitment came up and you won't be available for about a week but look forward to seeing him soon. Set a date and time when you'll meet.

You are now in control of the destiny of the relationship.

When next you meet, if he's in the right place for commitment there's a good chance he will take a step forward in the relationship. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If he doesn't make a move then he may not be the right guy for you. You can't be sure though.

Is there a risk he will have found some other woman while you were not available? Absolutely!

However, if he's 'the one' he'll be chomping at the bit with the realization of just how much he wants you.

After that it's like all of life, a crap shoot. Hopefully things will progress and he'll feel comfortable taking the relationship to the next level.

If he doesn't, take charge of your life. Decide to stick it out for awhile if that works best for you.

Or, don't be afraid of letting go both physically and emotionally. Move on to a new chapter. Yes it can be scary. But then again it may be a great adventure and who knows what diamond in the rough you may find! Life transformation is invigorating!

I'd like to add one more thought. Relationships usually aren't easy. They take time, commitment, accommodation and flexibility. But once you've reached a decision to leave work diligently at emotionally separating.

It's much easier to stop seeing someone than it is to keep yourself from ruminating about them. There is no magic pill to simply forget a guy you believed was the love of your life.It may feel agonizing for some time. It goes with the territory of serious dating.

However, you can make an aggressive attempt to put him out of your thoughts. Take control!

Good luck and I hope you find a fulfilling, satisfying relationship with a combination of chemistry, caring and loving.

Consider sharing this article with a daughter, granddaughter, niece or any loved one. It's never too early to learn how to manage healthy relationships.

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Please feel free to comment and share your experiences. I reply to all article posts.


Excerpted from the forthcoming book: Comfy In My Skin... Transformation From The Inside Out! By Dave Kanegis

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