WASHINGTON, D.C. - Less than a week after being named the newest judge on the hit TV reality show American Idol, comic and talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres has added yet another high-profile job to her already busy schedule: She'll serve as the new White House Press Secretary, replacing Robert Gibbs, who succumbed over the weekend to a case of terminal tediousness.
DeGeneres announced her new position on her talk show today. "I have a big announcement to make," she said, clearly excited. "No one knows this. I just finally got the OK just moments ago to announce this to you today. I am going to be the new White House Press Secretary."
After her studio audience finished cheering wildly, DeGeneres assured them, "I'm not leaving here. Don't worry about that. I'm going to have two day jobs and a night job. The times we're living in, we're all doing that. It's just that most people who work three jobs don't earn millions of dollars in their cumulative paychecks."
Just as some assailed DeGeneres's ascension to Idol's judges' table because of her lack of a musical background, many have questioned her being positioned as the mouthpiece of the Obama Administration, given her lack of experience in politics and governance.
"Blah blah blah - we think that's silly," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "She brings something different. She brings her wit and her love of politics, or at least her love of the idea of politics. She has a vision of what she likes and doesn't like. She will share what she sees from her vantage point. Really, does it matter? It's about America voting. She's going to add a different flavor; that's the whole idea. She's a rabid fan of Obama who happens to be one of the biggest stars in the world."
As she did when DeGeneres was named the new Idol judge, ousted panelist Paula Abdul approved DeGeneres' new position on her Twitter page. "I think Ellen will be a great White House Press Secretary," Abdul wrote. "She is funny, talented and I wish her the best of luck! Wait - bats! Why are so many BATS in this room? Help!"
Some have questioned why DeGeneres needs so many jobs when she's already so handsomely paid, particularly with the unemployment rate in America hovering around 10%. But on her show today, DeGeneres hinted that she may not be done with her job search.
"I'm not going to be happy until I have half the jobs in America," DeGeneres declared. "If that means taking your job, then so be it. Maybe I'll hire you as one of my low-paid personal assistants."
The studio audience cheered wildly.