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David Kronke

David Kronke

Posted: September 2, 2010 12:27 PM

(Cockaigne) - Cable news talking head/America's Savior Glenn Beck, flush from the success of his "Redefining Honor" rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in our Nation's Capital this past weekend, revealed plans for his next audacious stab-at-aggrandizement -- uh, rather, rally to make utterly non-racist Americans finally and justifiably feel good about themselves and their pretty much non-racist ways.

Beck announced that his next pretext for messianic onanism -- er, that is, public message to a beleaguered populace in dire need of uplift after almost a couple of years of, well, you know -- would take place Friday, April 22, 2011, in Calvary, Alabama -- "the very place they crucified our Lord and Savior," he added. Beck promised that he would say a few words, several of which might actually make sense in some sort of context if you thought about it, and then allow members of the liberal media to hammer him to a cross. Beck said he was reaching out to Keith Olbermann to participate in the event.

Beck additionally announced that he would perish at the event, and that afterwards Sarah Palin would speak resonantly about quitting things prematurely, but that he would rise from the dead on Sunday, the 24th, transforming into a figure ever more awesome and profitable than before, yet retaining the unconscionable hubris -- wait, make that abject humility -- that has defined his retiring yet devout mission thus far.

Asked what would happen if he did not in fact rise from the dead, Beck responded, "I'm sorry - I don't understand the question."

Beck also mentioned that on the evening prior to his appearance, he would host an exclusive "ultimate meal," co-sponsored by Sam's Club©, for disciples -- er, fans -- able to pay a "salvation-ensuring"™ $2,500 per plate.

Despite Beck's apparent altruism, some members of the elite liberal media have questioned the efficacy and diplomacy of his planning such an event on the Christian day of Good Friday, and his so-called "resurrection" on Easter Sunday, given the fact that Beck is a Mormon.

Some patriots -- or, idiots; wait, are we switching the partisan demarcations, or just telling the truth? -- take no credence in the controversy.

Asked about the potential conflict of interest, or flagrant display of hypocrisy, or whatever, Beck fan Chad Leichtgläubig of Beersheba Springs, Tennessee, said, "Even though I don't keep up with the news, ever, I don't think a thing you've said is true since it doesn't fall within the comfort zone of my belief system, so I'm going to quit talking to you."

On the other hand, Dotty Ingenuo of Bee Branch, Arkansas, said, "I hadn't heard that, but if Glenn Beck says that I should forsake my Savior the Lord Jesus Christ and start wearing magic underwear, well, then, I'm perfectly willing to do so."

At the end of his announcement, Beck added, "Am I the only one who's crazy here? Can I see a show of hands? Yeah, that's about what I thought."