How Right-Wing Pundits Would Spin News That Obama Had Rescued A Child From Drowning

Michelle Malkin: Why didn't Obama save every child from drowning? Why just one? This myopia stems from his old, outdated liberal-elitist sensibility which states that the only drowning child worth saving is the one who has the connections and the wherewithal to be in the general vicinity of America's so-called Swimmer-in-Chief.

Steve Doocy: So the liberal blogosphere today is trumpeting the fact that Barack Obama rescued a child from drowning, and naturally, they're trumpeting this as a big win for the Savior-in-Chief.
Gretchen Carlson: Typical.
Brian Kilmeade: They're cynically politicizing this random act, and simply because it involves the President of the United States and a small endangered boy, they're pretending that this qualifies as "news" in some way.
Gretchen Carlson: Typical. Typical. (beat, crossing her legs) Do I have any other lines in this segment?

Sean Hannity: Barack Obama, America's self-appointed Lifeguard-in-Chief, is yet again indoctrinating our nation's youth with his insidious sensibilities. This time, he ostensibly saved a young boy from drowning - but what if that boy wanted to drown, what if that child adhered to our American values that this is a meritocracy and only those who know how to swim deserve to survive when they're caught in an unforeseen undertow? Nonetheless, here's Obama, enforcing his own, twisted values -- brainwashing us that it's preferable to stay alive rather than to succumb to the Atlantic Ocean's market forces that, in direct contradiction to our indomitable free-enterprise system, doom lesser mortals.

Ann Coulter: What I find so deliciously amusing and so vastly hypocritical about this whole Asshole-in-Chief incident is that Obama's rescuing this poor boy from drowning is completely at odds with his uber-liberal-facist policies of deliberately impregnating unsuspecting women just so they can be forced to undergo abortions.

Wolf Blitzer: News that Barack Obama has rescued an 11-year-old boy from drowning off the coast of Martha's Vineyard has erupted into a cacophony of controversy in the Twitterverse, which we at CNN decide to follow when we can't formulate a coherent editorial policy on a particular issue, which is to say, all the time. "Waitwatcher" tweets, "Good for him," while "Ngrh8er" volleys, "I wouldn't want his skin touching mine, just as I wouldn't want his policies affecting me." "ILuvMyCatz" responds, "Off to Pinkberry's for snackies! LOL!"

Greta Van Susteren: While it's all well and good that our President has decided it's in his purview to rescue young, errant swimmers from sharks and the pervading whims of unfriendly coastal waters, I wonder if he's not dragging us further to a welfare state, where every life is saved through cynical do-gooder-ism.

Glenn Beck: Bear with me here, gang, but something about this story doesn't pass my smell test, sort of like after I have the jalapeno poppers at TGIFridays. But you have to think about this: Remember, Obama has been roundly assailed in various media reports for being a racist. I may have started that with an ill-considered comment that came straight out of my ass, but the media picked up on it, and so here we are. And who did Obama manage to wrest from the grasp of death, oh-so-conveniently? A white boy. Does that set off any alarm bells, gang? Isn't that just a little too convenient? Well, actually, the kid was Filipino, but that's closer to white than to black in my book. This administration is all about manipulating us, people! They tell us "white" is "white," "blue" is "blue," "mauve" is "mauve!" But we don't have to listen to their lies any longer!

And, anyway, when Obama was out there in the Atlantic Ocean so-called "rescuing" that boy -- and how did he learn to swim, when he spent his youth in an Indonesian madrassa? -- I have to wonder, did he touch him inappropriately? Let's face it - how "convenient" was it that this kid was "drowning" in a huge body of water where no surveillance cameras are available? This kid, this kid -- he's no doubt part of the propaganda machine. He's so grateful that the "President of the United States" saved his life that he's not going to reveal how inappropriately Obama's hands stroked his young, lithe, desirable body extravagantly desiccated by a certain lack of muscle mass that any middle-aged man couldn't find utterly intoxicating. Now, I'm not saying that Obama molested this boy -- though my audience's level of discernment is probably such that they heard me make such a statement, and is such that I can make this vague disavowal and they still won't notice -- but these are the sort of questions we should be asking, gang! Where is the accountability?

Comments

[Rebecca Landrum]

this would all be amusing if the vitrol wasn't poining the well. By making continuos ingenious near-defamations against our commander in chief; they are denegrating their own country. I believe that they feel justified in their methodology based on perceived slights against George W. but the difference is that most attacks against Bush were about real life incidents, ignorance & utterages: while the blitz attacks against Obama are speculative & misreprese­ntative.Th­e one thing that really gets me is how these ivy-league players & wanna-be's attack Obama on his elitism w/o acknowleging their own positions as being achieved through that very same system that they condem. Am I crazy or what but isn't it part of the American dream to improve one's lot in life through hard work & education. Didn't our parents sacrifice daily in order to better our future through knowledge? Didn't George W go to Yale? (& from what I understand, as a legacy instead of through meritocracy.

[Timothy2700]

THAT WAS GREAT!!
This could be made into an off-broadway play!!

[David Kronke - Huffpost Blogger]

Clearly, I need to consult with all of you before writing because your ideas are just as twisted and funny - if not moreso - than mine. Thanks for all the fun feedback - I don't screen the comments, so maybe whoever is is sparing me from all sorts of nastiness - it's very encouraging.

And QOTW - I agree; Beck's agenda seems to be to basically rape the First Amendment; he's yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theater with little regard for what results from his words. Taking him seriously by complaining about his nonsense would only seem to empower him; he, I think, can only be emasculated by revealing the depths of his nauseating absurdity. Which, happily, is so much fun to do.

[Deborah64]

This one goes in the scrapbook.­...

[QOTW]

All satire and ridicule aside.
In this current climate of right wing anything-g­oes-innuen­do and pure unadulterated hatred toward the President Beck is easily capable of running with such a sordid term out of any context and using it in one of the very few ways he has as yet held back from.

[Redheadwithopinions]

Oh don't forget he probably raised the boy's taxes afterward to fund a government run lifeguard program called the Coast Guard! Incredibly funny, I need the laughs today! Nicely done!

[sociocanuck]

Evening, a day after the controversy: Peter Mansbridge at the CBC reports the rescue without spin or added commentary. Americans don't notice, as it's Canadian News that has nothing to do with misrepresenting our healthcare system.

Canadians don't notice, either; as everyone with a TV is watching So You Think You Can Dance (not the Canadian edition) or America's Next Top Model (obviously not the Canadian edition) instead.

A day after that, the CBC presents "Anatomy of a Controversy"; a day by day playback of the media catastrof**k, tracing the origin of the mess to a misquote by an Obama aide in the previously secret Department of Aquatic Espionage.

[David Kronke - Huffpost Blogger]

Neal and BlackJAC, Grievous oversights both. And equally hilarious.

[Neal Jansons]

You forgot:

Palin: "Obama drowned a kitten while the UFOs and his evil socialist Russian Nazi pals built a doghouse with Pringles! Rutabaga! STRING-CHEEZ, PEOPLE! WAKE UP!

[BlackJAC]

You forgot the NRA apologist's insistence that this would never have happened had the child been allowed to carry a gun.

[Redheadwithopinions]

Man..oh wow....ROF­L LMAO...nic­e one! Don't forget that PETA and the NRA and Sarah Palin will team up because they would say the poor thing should have been euthanized so he wouldn't create stray drowning kids in his teenage years, and they would sue Obama and the Russians for creating a doghouse that is not only edible but can get soggy when it rains, therefore the dog must be put down too because it had unsuitable housing so therefore no reason to live! :) Have a good day..if I stay here I'll never get anything done...chu­ckle..