This past week, Comedy Central showed off some of that audacious verve it's so celebrated for by utterly retreating, tail between its legs. It censored an episode of "South Park" that dared to include a few jokes about the Prophet Muhammad, because those pesky Islamic extremists threatened violence, in particular upon series creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And while I'm certain that Mssrs. Parker and Stone appreciate Comedy Central's executives' concern for their continued well-being, I imagine they'd be happier if their work aired as they crafted it, cluttered with their filthy little jokes and not black bands reading "CENSORED" and incessant bleeps.
And while I respect anyone's right to forcefully impose their unhinged, make-believe belief system on others, even complete strangers half a world away, I do fear these Muslim fundamentalists are going about this all wrong. They're crapping on the wrong TV show. "South Park" is a pretty good show. There are plenty of execrable ones these guys could be assailing and threatening and scaring network executives into yanking them off the air, thereby doing us all a favor, and maybe even generating some rare good press for themselves.
And there are some verses from the Koran that they could employ (or conveniently misinterpret) to justify going all Theo-van-Gogh on the asses of the makers of these programs, even! I've been paging through my copy of the Qur'an, a handsome if musty volume translated into Latin in 1143 by Robert of Ketton (he even signed this copy to "Gertrudis," adding good wishes: "Subsisto ut dulcis ut vos es," or, "Stay as sweet as you are") in search of inspiring passages which, with the right terrorist muscle behind them, could forever rid our airwaves of hydrocephalic dreck, and herewith share my findings. (C'mon, Muslim extremists! Do I have to do all your work for you?)
"Slay them wherever you find them... Idolatry is worse than carnage... Fight against them until idolatry is no more and God's religion reigns supreme." And with that, we are finally spared "American Idol."
"Men are tempted [in this life] by the lure of women ... far better is the return of God." And so "The Bachelor" and all those other cringe-inducing reality dating shows justifiably go the way of the dodo.
"For the scum disappears, cast out, while that which is for the good of mankind remains on the earth." This one does us all a huge favor - it singlehandedly puts an end to "Jersey Shore," "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," "Bad Girls Club," "Toddlers and Tiaras and "The Real Housewives" franchise.
"Is it then the judgment of ignorance that they desire? And who is better than Allah to judge for a people who are sure?" I think this one pretty much puts an end to The CW and G4 and QVC and all the other home-shopping networks.
"You shall not force your slave-girls into prostitution in order that you make money, if they wish to preserve their chastity." If that other one didn't 86 the reality-dating shows, this one certainly does.
"They shall have no food but of thorns, which will neither fatten nor avail against hunger." Thus does Emeril Lagasse's television career come to an end. And the Food Network in general.
"Do you not see that Allah has created the heavens and the earth with truth? He can destroy you if He wills and bring into being a new creation: that is no difficult thing for him." If Allah's all about the truth, that's a world of impending hurt for Fox News Channel.
"But there came after them an evil generation, who neglected prayers and followed and sensual desires, so they will meet perdition." And so we bid adieu to "Two and a Half Men." Perhaps that's why Charlie Sheen's threatening to leave the show - he's been boning up on his Islam.