10 Embarrassing Things That Could Happen If Mitt Romney Is Elected
1. President Romney will attempt to retroactively baptize Millard Fillmore, Whitney Houston, and Rutherford B. Hayes.
2. While President Romney's male staffers and Cabinet members will be well-groomed and well-spoken, they will also possess the vacant, chiseled good looks of porn stars.
3. At a state dinner, he will stun the Swedish ambassador by offering to bet $100,000 that he can stand an egg upright on the table.
4. During a speech to West Point cadets, President Romney will casually mention that he owns a Hummer and a Bradley Armored Fighting Vehicle, and that his wife drives a couple of Abrams tanks.
5. In a clumsy attempt to reach out to a delegation of visiting African statesmen, President Romney will boast that his great-grandfather once owned several dozen Negroes.
6. He will tell the residents of a New York City homeless shelter that, while a Brigham Young University fraternity pledge, he was once forced to wear women's underwear and forbidden to eat solid food for 24-hours, so he knows what it means to go hungry.
7. When TV personality Willard Scott playfully reminds him that they share the same first name, President Romney will categorically deny that his first name is Willard.
8. Addressing a United Nations symposium on the topic of World Poverty, President Romney will tell the assembled delegates that he doesn't worry too much about people on the very bottom because, fortunately, they are protected by safety nets.
9. On a tour of the Black Forest with Chancellor Angela Merkel's party, President Romney will attempt to impress his German hosts by happily noting that all the trees are the right height, and the grass is the right color.
10. Speaking before a group of Republican businessmen, President Romney will not only reiterate that corporations are, indeed, "people," he will declare that nuclear reactors, strip mines, melting glaciers, and hedge funds are also "people."
David Macaray, a Los Angeles playwright and author ("It's Never Been Easy: Essays on Modern Labor"), was a former union rep. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org