On Tuesday, September 19 2006, Ireland was holding its breath. The worst storm in years was about to upset the most over-hyped jamboree in the sporting calendar -- the Ryder Cup. The country had been bombarded by one of the most expensive sports advertising campaigns ever. Our appetite was whetted by the fact that practically every billboard in the country was telling us that this golf tournament -- a titanic clash between Europe and America -- was going to be epic. When we think epic, we think of great swathes of history, great civilisations, and tragedy. Whatever golf is, it's no Trojan War.
That same morning, the Mayo News of North West Ireland carried a horrifying story. A Polish immigrant was in intensive care at Mayo General Hospital, having been infected with one of the most dangerous toxins known to man: botulism -- a toxin so unusual that the hospital pharmacy had no anti-toxin. In a matter of hours the patient would be dead. In a country that is one of the world's single largest producers of pharmaceutical drugs, a young man would die in a hospital because of lack of medicine.
Then one of the nurses had an idea. When she heard of botulism, she thought of Botox and the factory up the road in Westport. Botox is made from miniscule amounts of the botulinum toxin and Westport is the Botox capital of the world. Allergan, maker of Botox, is the biggest employer in town and, unlike Mayo General Hospital, there was plenty of the botulinum toxin in Westport. Luckily for the critically ill immigrant, the anti-toxin worked quickly and he was treated in the Allergan factory before being transferred back to the hospital. He was discharged two days later, dazed and a little confused but in good health.
This story sums up globalization and Ireland's position as the most globalized nation on earth. The Polish immigrant who keeps the Irish domestic economy moving is saved by an American multi-national company that employs half of Westport. Meanwhile, the Irish are oblivious, glued to the Ryder Cup -- the rights of which had been sold to Rupert Murdoch's Sky Sports for simultaneous broadcast in 100 countries.
Welcome to Ireland 2007, the land of everlasting youth, where everything is for sale, everyone has their price, and nothing is quite what it seems. Irish wealth depends on America's neurotic baby-boomers. And as much as we love presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, both of them threaten this prosperity.
The cosmetic industry is one of Ireland's biggest sources of tax revenue. Every time we tune in to Desperate Housewives, we count our blessings for middle-aged America's neurotic fear of growing old because the Botox demand for these actresses pays for our children's classrooms. We are a new age Tir na nÓg - a mythical country that produces the elixir of life for another country that is afraid to grow old.
And it's not just Botox. Six of the world's top 10 blockbuster drugs are made in Ireland, including the number-one bestselling drug in the world, Lipitor, made by Pfizer in Ringaskiddy. Last year the sales of Lipitor world-wide topped $13 billion, dwarfing Pfizer's better known Viagra, which sold $4 million. Viagra was originally developed to increase blood circulation to the heart to help prevent heart attacks in children. After an adult trial in Wales, the impressive side effect became obvious and we haven't looked back since.
Of the top three drugs sold on the internet, Ireland makes two of them: Viagra and Sibutramine, known as Reductil, the word's most popular slimming drug. Over eight million women are currently using Reductil, making it, after Prozac, the most popular Internet drug. So if you want to know who is responsible for the pretty stick figures running around Hollywood and the millions of Desperate Dieters, look no further than Yeats' country -- "a terrible beauty is born".
Today there are seventy-eight million baby boomers in the US who make up the population bulge. The youngest of the boomers -- the Desperate Housewives -- are in their early forties. As they get older, they are obsessed with feeling and looking younger. They live with a pathological fear of crow's feet, and are enhanced by huge amounts of pharmaceutical drugs, cosmetics and pills and potions of every sort. They are also Ireland's biggest customers. Without them, the Botox nation has no pharmaceutical industry -- the biggest exporter, fastest growing, and most efficient sector in the country. Without the pharmaceutical industry, more than half our high-tech exports would disappear. We have a vested interest in the baby boomers' neurosis about getting old: the young graduate workforce of Ireland is being kept in clover by the neurotic, wealthy baby-boomers of America.
So it is easy to see that Ireland's exports are dependent on the limp willies, flabby boobs, thinning lips, bulging bellies and crumpled foreheads of America's seventy-eight million insecure baby boomers.
Now this is where Obama and Clinton come in. Obama threatens the Botox Nation because he has hinted that he believes American companies should pull out of places like Ireland and reinvest more in the US. If such an unworkable policy were even attempted, Ireland would suffer badly. Over 80% of all Ireland's exports come from multinationals, most of them American. Most starkly, the combined output of three American companies in Ireland -- Dell, Microsoft and Intel -- amount to 20% of total Irish GDP!
Clinton is on record about wanting to reduce the price of drugs to American consumers as part of her healthcare reforms. This would profoundly affect the profitability of the Irish pharmaceutical industry which accounts for 43% of total exports. Either way, despite the Irish Democratic leanings, the Democrats could spell bad news for Ireland. So we are again conflicted. We are Democrats by birth, Clintonians by inclination but Obama supporters by emotion. However, the people who will protect our Botox Economy are free-trade supporting Republicans, like McCain. Confused? So are we.
David McWilliams is the author of The Pope's Children (John Wiley & Sons), available now.