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David Misch Headshot

Occupy, Inc.

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Occupy is in trouble.

Kicked out of public parks across the country, the movement looks cautiously towards the spring, bitterly aware of the obstacles it faces: severe limitations on where, when and how ordinary people can protest the domination of America by its super-rich. (That whole "right to peaceably assemble and petition for redress of grievances" thing is so 18th century.)

How can Occupy regain its mojo? How can it find a way to make its voices heard?

Simple -- incorporate.

Occupy, Inc. would be a formidable force in American politics. Freed from the restrictions suffered by private citizens, as a business Occupy would bask in the bountiful benefits of corporate personhood: tax breaks, bailouts in case of financial problems, and -- at last -- unlimited and unrestricted speech; in fact, all the free speech money can buy. Imagine the excitement when the human microphone becomes the corporate megaphone.

Sure, "traditional" corporations might object, saying Occupy, Inc. isn't a real business, that it's using that designation to get around restrictions intended to allow our political system to operate fairly. But the rejoinder is obvious: do we really want to impose job-killing regulations on the growing protest industry, forcing it to ship good American jobs overseas? Do we really want the Chinese to Occupy Wall Street even as they occupy the deficit?

But Reason is not always Corporate America's strong suit and it can be expected to fight back, possibly even starting a movement to Occupy Occupy.

This should not be. The 1% should welcome the 99% to the fold; indeed, if corporations are people, it stands to reason that people are corporations!

Let us work together, everyone, corporations and corporations-in-human-form, to build a future where where no American will be without excessive executive pay, obscene bonuses, socialized risk, unlimited bailouts and unjustified tax breaks.

I'm not ashamed to say it: I have a dream. A dream of an America where subchapter S and limited liability corporations will be able to join hands as sisters and brothers; an America where companies are judged not by the content of their characters but by the amount in their balance sheets. (Wait, never mind, we have that now.)

And so let tax breaks ring from the mighty mountains of Monsanto to the bucolic rolling hills of Halliburton! Let tax breaks ring from the infinite bowels of Walmart to the vast oily oceans of British Petroleum!

And soon we will reach that glorious day when all God's corporations, large and small, foreign and domestic, rich and poor (but, y'know, mostly rich) will be able to join Boards and sing in the words of the old Tea Party spiritual: Tax-free at last! Tax-free at last! Thank GOP Almighty, we're tax-free at last!!!