BREAKING: Bush Pardons Osama bin Laden

WASHINGTON, DC: In a stunning late-hour development, President George W. Bush has granted Osama bin Laden a pardon for the murder of more than 2,700 Americans in the fall of 2001.

"This kinda came out of nowhere," said a White House aide who requested anonymity. "I wouldn't have put bin Laden on the short list myself. On the other hand, maybe this is the president's way of finding closure. Because ... y'know ... he wasn't actually able to kill bin Laden, or capture him, or even keep him from making all those (expletive) videos. I mean, jeez, let's face it: Osama bin Laden is basically a one-man Netflix of cave movies."

The aide paused, then went on to say, "Can you believe this dude (Bush) was actually president for eight (expletive) years? What were we thinking? Seriously, what the (expletive) were we thinking?"

The aide began weeping quietly. "May God have mercy on me for my role in the unfathomable travesty that was the Bush administration."

Conservative columnist William Kristol insisted the pardon made sense..

"George W. Bush is a brilliant strategist. I'm sure he has a good reason for this pardon. I'll figure it out."

Kristol sucked his thumb for a few minutes, lost in thought. He was then distracted by a brightly colored piece of string.

A passerby, told of the bin Laden pardon, offered a possible explanation:

"Maybe Bush is trying to smoke him out. Wasn't that the plan?"

 

 

 

Comments

[sinepari223]

12:45 PM on 01/28/2009

its funny how his intended audience (liberals) do not even understand satire. Goes to show how Obama got elected

[cavitywall]

09:48 PM on 01/25/2009

The criminal, Bush!

Saddam Hussein spoke the truth.

[RoseMerry]

05:56 PM on 01/25/2009

I doubt that Osama Bin Linden as even alive on 9/11/2001. I do know his father was with the father of the President at the Ritz Hotel, just uptown from the WTC at a meeting of the Carlyle Group who are now one of the largest defense contractor­s in the world.

[jestfam]

07:42 PM on 01/25/2009

I guess you have firsthand accounting­, such as you saw his father at the Ritz, I think you are listening to to many conspiracy theorists.

[MrBurlesk]

05:33 PM on 01/25/2009

I didn't think this was very funny...at first.

[retrocozayshin]

12:58 AM on 01/24/2009

"a one-man Netflix of cave movies"

LMAO

[Maxbyte]

05:19 PM on 01/23/2009

Why do I feel like I've stumbled onto The Onion's website?

It is amusing, however, once one realizes that the lede implies NOT!

[mickeydougal]

04:49 PM on 01/23/2009

I'm not sure what's more pathetic; that someone is so cold for publishing this horse manure or that well over half of you losers actually think it might be true (OR that I'm not surprised at either one).

[retrocozayshin]

01:00 AM on 01/24/2009

I DON BELIEVE YUO! IT IS ON TEH INTERNET SO IT TRUE!

[justoverit333]

03:17 PM on 01/23/2009

holy smokes I spit on my monitor.
too funny

[jkonen]

11:30 AM on 01/23/2009

haha that was a good one

[MirandaQuo]

07:05 AM on 01/23/2009

While this piece is amusing, what I'm finding totally hilarious (and yet sad) are the number of people who believe this is true! Didn't you all stop and think a bit when it was mentioned that William Kristol was sucking his thumb or was distracted by a piece of colored string????­?

[Marmann]

08:15 AM on 01/23/2009

I visit another board where the conservati­ves are just BESIDE themselves that Obama won. They can't STAND that fact.

I visited that board this morning, and a self-descr­ibed Bush voter posted this, believing it to be TRUE.

(I didn't think Bush voters were the sharpest tools in the shed, but this is truly frightenin­g!)

On the other hand, this piece just wasn't funny/outr­ageous enough to warrant the headline it received, and some people who "trust" Huffington Post (as claimed by the poster I referred to above) actually believe this.

There's a place for humor (if it's funny enough for such a serious subject), but we've still got a LOT of End-of-Tim­ers out there who seriously believe Obama is the Anti-Chris­t, and although this was directed at Bush (and although I adore and trust Huffington Post), I think it was a teeny weeny bit irresponsi­ble to print it without a disclaimer of some sort. It's too bad that we have people in this country (who are allowed to VOTE) who aren't bright enough to distinguis­h between truth and satire, but the sad truth is we DO.

[MikeDu]

11:15 AM on 01/23/2009

Sounds like a good idea visiting right wing blogs. May I suggest the *liberal* use of the terms 'neanderth­al' and 'wrong side of history' when posting . Hard right reactionar­ies always acted as though THEY were the endangered minority beset by 'others' (use the raceist / sexist / xenophobic epithet of your chosing). I'd say we should make it known to them that they were right after all - Their days ARE numbered, that they're fated to go the way of the caveman.

[Sammy00400]

02:23 AM on 01/23/2009

It's sad that so many posters here seem to think this is possibly true and not a joke. Then again, if another 'breaking story' said Bush was sent from Mars to destroy humanity..­. maybe these same posters would believe that too . ;-)

[digitalmuaddib]

06:42 PM on 01/23/2009

It would be sad if anyone believed that Bush came from Mars. That's ludicrous. Especially since everyone knows he was grown in a tank by the aliens who are using the moon (which they hollowed out) as a base to steal all our gold.

[Rayah]

12:57 AM on 01/23/2009

Why did President George Bush parden Osama bin Laden?
Why would Mr. Bush parden a man that murdered more than 2,700 Americas?
I know what the answer is, but I will not say at this time.
I need to get more informatio­n before I post.
I will come back with the answer to why President Bush parden Osama bin Laden.

[roshni]

11:01 PM on 01/22/2009

This satire is a little too close to the truth. In effect, abandoning efforts to capture Bin Ladin to contrive a war in Iraq issued a pardon to BL. It takes one criminal to recognize/­pardon another.

[Marmann]

08:17 AM on 01/23/2009

I agree. For all we know, maybe Bush secretly DID pardon him! I wouldn't put anything past Bush.

[tigs]

09:33 PM on 01/22/2009

If Bush had pardoned Bin Laden it would have been top front page news ,not a little square on the right hand side of news , not that i would put it past Bush.

[retrocozayshin]

01:01 AM on 01/24/2009

Very good observatio­n there! Keep up the good work!

[digitalmuaddib]

07:36 PM on 01/22/2009

Sweriously­, people. This is a joke. If you can't recognize satire, I have to worry for the state of our nation. This is why people have to follow jokes with "no pun intended" or "pun intended." I used to take offense to these statements since they implied that I, the listener or reader, was too stupid to get the joke or realize that the nature of language forced the speaker into an unintended play on words. I am changing that stance. Maybe most people do need to be informed with a statement that says, "Look out! Joke ahead! Humorous consequenc­es may result."

[ph84]

07:55 PM on 01/22/2009

Hey, laugh tracks were bad enough, don't give anyone anymore ideas.

[BiffThiele]

09:48 PM on 01/22/2009

Where is the journalist­ic responsibi­lity?

[digitalmuaddib]

06:40 PM on 01/23/2009

I think Jon Stewart had it but he broke it after shooting it out of a potato cannon. It has been pasted back together and now Stephen Colbert has it on his shelf next to the skeleton of the frog he has been slow boiling during the past eight years.

If the phrase, "Kristol sucked his thumb for a few minutes, lost in thought. He was then distracted by a brightly colored piece of string" didn't give it away, then I really don't know how to explain it.

Didn't Senator Charles Grassley quote an Onion article once, thinking it was real? Does that mean The Onion need a disclaimer stating that they are making jokes, now? The Huffington Post expects that its readers are smart enough and literate enough to recognize a joke from an actual news posting.