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EMERGENCY HUFFPO BASH BLOG APPLICATION FOR THE VICTIMS OF ALL DISASTERS EVERYWHERE!

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HELLO EVERYONE!!!

Do you often find yourself fantasizing about becoming an AntiHuffpo blogger? Do you love to read other blogs, digest their info, and then expel pre-chewed nut-bag generalizations into a snarky and "dangerous" post? If so, you might be perfect for this blog!

So... how do you get the job?
Just tick the boxes!

SECTION ONE: WHO ARE YOU?

Are you famous?
Do you know someone famous?
have you ever brushed up against someone famous?
Was it Felix Dennis?
Did you think he'd be "crackier?"

Was your daddy famous?
(check one of the following)
- Yes, I am William Kristol.
- Yes, I am John Podhoretz
- Yes, I am Christopher Buckley
- Yes, I am President George W. Bush

Where did you spend your summer vacation?
- French Riviera
- National Review Caribbean cruise
- Joel Osteen's Purpose-Driven Life Retreat
- working as Sean Hannity's personal photoshopper

Which of the following countries have you threatened to move your company to (check all that apply):
-Cayman Islands
-Bermuda
-Oh, you already did? My bad.

-Can you work the phrase "clash of civilizations" into a sentence, without actually reading the book, "The Clash of Civilizations," or even understanding what this cizilivalination thing is? Can you pretend to know something without knowing anything?

Do you have a black and white picture of yourself, with your ass resting firmly on your desk? When you stare at this picture, do you get a strong, steely feeling, not unlike watching your portfolio on a Bloomberg terminal?

have you ever written any "fantasy tax codes?"
-they're pretty flat, aren't they?
-are you a man?
-if so, when you tell people you're a "free-market fundamentalist," do they immediately realize they're going to have to let you pay for dinner just so you'll shut the fuck up about how you were so smart, you read "Atlas Shrugged" when you were ELEVEN?

Have you ever claimed that you are a social libertarian?
Just so you can spout rightwing crap at parties?
You still go home alone, don't you?

Do you own a Ronald Reagan sweatshirt?
Did you wear it to a Toby Keith concert last year?
Did you get beaten up by a group of pissed-off Cubans?

SECTION 2: DISASTER THINKING

-Do you believe that no one can voice opposition to the IRAQ war because AMERICANS ARE DYING OVER THERE?
-YET when it came to the flood, you readily assumed an expertise in crisis management within hours of the disaster?
-And only so you could heave blame at the welfare state like a monkey flinging his own feces?

Do you always try to relate large-scale tragedies to your own life?
-Do you say things like, "Wow, I was in New York in September 2001. Well, like, not ON 9/11, but pretty close: 9/3 or /4, I can't quite remember. Anyway, the important thing is, I could have died. And that's why we should bring the fight to the terrorists--who live in IRAQ."
-"I know we're all Americans and everything, but now, the further away I get from 9/11, the more I realize... New York's kinda weird, you know? They have men who dress like women. And the minorities! Why, they just let 'em run free like nobody's business! It's so bad, they don't even consider JEWS to be minorities! In New York, a Jew is like a regular person, like a white person! My pastor would have a few things to say about that! Anyway, did we kill Osama bin Hussein or whatever that man in Iraq is called?"
-"I wish Mel Gibson would remake PASSION OF THE CHRIST starring America's mayor: Rudy Giuliani! Oh my God, I would let the black people live in the Superdome forever if only I could see that movie."
-"Was Hurricane Katrina REALLY a large-scale tragedy? I mean, come on--I think it's working out very well for some of those people."

-do you see "looting" solely as a function of individual depravity?
-brought on by an urban culture that denigrates personal responsibility and accountability, almost like an uncanny inversion of the culture of the White House?
-do you think you and a looter might see eye-to-eye, if he was stranded in New Orleans with his children and you were driving out of the city with your children, and you saw his eye in your rearview mirror?
-Do you agree that, instead of looting, those people should have simply shifted their portfolios to take advantage of a potential spike in crude prices?
-have you ever masturbated to "The Bell Curve"?
-do you REALLY give a fuck about some soggy TV sets?

-When was the last time you used the word 'bootstraps?'
-Did it feel good?
-How will bootstraps help those in need right now on the Gulf Coast?
-Don't you think hicks who do construction are less valuable to society than you?
-Does this shocking juxtaposition explain everything at the American Enterprise Institute?

Fred Phelps says "New Orleans, symbol of America, seen for what it is: a putrid, toxic, stinking cesspool of fag fecal matter."
-is this an example of what Bush calls "Compassionate Conservatism?"
-Do you think Phelps's desire to demonize gays exposed his own delusional fantasies?
-Do you think Phelps's pants were on when he wrote that fantasy?

Do you believe people are too afraid to discuss the "taboo" of racial differences?
Yet you can discuss it for hours, insert it into any topic, from educational policy to pop culture?
Do you feel compelled to let blacks know immediately where you stand on the topic of personal responsibility, while they carry your bags to the green?
Do you feel compelled to tell blacks how much you admire Colin Powell?
Do you realize the next day that he favors affirmative action?

SECTION THREE: YOUR BELIEFS!
When a crime is committed, do you consider the economic, sociological, and psychological background of the criminal?
Or do you consider the EVIL?
Do you try to find EVIL in everything?
How about when your girlfriend dumped you?
Was she an EVILDOER?
Was it your obsession with EVILDOERS?
or just that you couldn't smoke her out?

A man blames 9/11 on lesbians and the ACLU. This man is a confidante of our president. Does this offend you?
-yes, it does. I'm fairly tolerant of many things, but letting Teletubbies off the hook for 9/11 is too much.
-No, not at all. Centuries from now we'll look back at this time with embarrassment - a time when some Americans fretted over Christian fundamentalist's influence on the foreign policy conversation of the most powerful country in history. Whatever. Liberals are sooo dumb. THEY THINK WE'RE DESCENDED FROM MONKEYS!

WARNING! Does any of this information, so far, cause your brain to absolutely disconnect and move on to another task? Quick: privatize a banana or something!

MOVING ON:
If you had to kill one of the following, which would it be:
- all those lazy poor people whose existence is a drag on our economy and whose plaintive cries from flooded rooftops are bothering my beautiful mind.
- Michael Moore, who is somehow responsible for everything that's gone wrong in Iraq. If it wasn't for Fahrenheit 911, our troops would be home, Ahmad Chalabi would be hosting Iraq's first NASCAR race, and David Frum would be editing STUFF magazine.
- Thatcher, your hedge fund manager's son, who actually wore argyle socks to your daughter's cotillion.
- your old Exeter roommate, who can still remember when you'd hit the bong and talk wistfully about "making a positive difference someday," in spite of your father's plans.
- Hugo Chavez

do you think Peace is a "naive fantasy for people who don't live in the real world, unlike me here, sitting in front of my computer, streaming Rush Limbaugh with my thumb up my ass?"
do you think War is inevitable, "as long as people keep messing with us just because we're so free?"
do you think it's honorable to cut taxes on the rich while increasing military spending?
- are working-class soldiers beneficiaries of the unlimited opportunity brought about by a lower marginal tax rate?
- Is that why I see so many recruiters working the Yale Club?
- do you think, if you offered every working-class soldier an American job with the same salary, educational subsidies, and technical training as the military, you'd have enough guys left in Iraq to collect ten farts in a cup?
Do you like to tell people you're a patriot?
-have you ever sacrificed anything for the greater good of our country? (Making fun of Hollywood airheads is not a sacrifice.)

Do you like conspiracies?
Does reading about them make you feel smart?
Does obvious truth make you uncomfortable?
When a conspiracy is exposed as a lie, do you think that's part of THE conspiracy?
Do you think people can read your thoughts?
Are you receiving radio transmissions from the JIHADI SUPERCOMPUTER being run by Columbia's Middle Eastern Studies Department?
Are they telling you that you're David Horowitz?
Are they correct?

Do you believe in the "liberal media?"
Is that why Bush was unable to invade Iraq under false pretenses--because the media is so liberal, they stopped him?

-Do you think liberals are self-righteous and delusional?
-have you ever sat through a 700 Club broadcast?

-Do you trust the wisdom of the free market?
-until it produces millionaire Hollywood activists?
-do you try to have an opinion, even when you really have none?
-do you think hitting "refresh" on freerepublic.com qualifies as thinking?
-do you favor "opportunity" over equality?
-do you like it when anti-establishment figures are "shown up?"
-do you cry for government subsidies when your market sector is "vulnerable?"
-have you ever self-published a Cold War spy caper?
-out of your garage?
-are they blocking your "Weeping Bald Eagle" placemats?

-do you understand the motivations and feelings of working people?
-because you own a maid?
-do you like to put outfits on your maid?
-and take pictures?

HUFFPO QUICK QUIZ!: Could you have predicted that the cause of a lifetime - neutralizing Iraq's terror threat and stabilizing the Middle East - could actually be done more effectively by TRAVELLING BACKWARDS IN TIME from this day?
NOW LET'S CONTINUE!

-Do you like to tell people how close you lived to ground zero?
-Even though you live in Connecticut?

Do you run a conservative "group" blog?
But it's just you, isn't it?
Do you post comments at www.victorhanson.com?
And hope Victor Davis Hanson might respond?
When he doesn't, are you sad?
-Later, do you talk shit about the Peloponnesian War out of spite?

Are you on any advisory boards?
Do you "spearhead" things?
Are you on any advisory boards to "spearhead" things?
Have you ever co-chaired a task force?
Are you a founding member, a president, senior counsel, a visiting fellow, a lecturer and an author of 14 books?
Have you been a memorial lecturer, or earned a honorary degree?
Have you done all this without ever holding an actual job?

Are you devoted to stopping "global socialism?"
Enough to start a "proxy war" or support an undemocratic coup?
Which means you can stay in your mansion that burns ungodly sums of fuel?

Do you believe we live in a spiritually empty world?
Do you see spiritual poisons lurking everywhere?
Are you into removing the pernicious "Hollywood Homo-Jew influence" from your life?
Is that why you attend church in a mall?

-do you wear your "fun" panama shirt when you go to Jimmy Buffet concerts?
-does it hide your Blackberry and your wallet belt?
-do you write for numerous convservative newsweeklies?
-Do you ignore the fact that they are subsidized by private think thanks, and could never survive in a free market?

Do you think we should all make our way in the world without government handouts?
Did you remember to send Binky and Kristen their rent money?

Are you an author, "academic watchdog," and a resident fellow at the Heritage Foundation?
But basically you're famous for that article where you had the guts to take on a junior adjunct professor of women's studies at some podunk college in 1988?
And nothing else.

Are you a "Prosperity Gospel" preacher?
Can you say "Jesus wants you to be rich?"
Without thinking of Matthew 19:21?
Do you believe we all have souls?
What happened to yours?

Weren't you once Jonah Goldberg?

Are you currently alive--to the economic opportunities now available to those willing to work for private security firms in Iraq???

Do you still tell people you were once married to Judith Regan?
Do people still care?
Do you consider yourself a "watchdog?"
Do you say you work "for the people?"
Do you think of yourself as a "conscience" for America?
Do you wonder why "No one listens to you anymore?"

Are you a "consumer advocate" for a "nonprofit, nonpartisan foundation" underwritten by a gigantic pharmaceutical conglomerate?
Are you glad states can't bargain down medicine prices under the new prescription drug bill?

-Are you a frequent guest on talk shows?
-would you like to be?
-Do you practice knitting your brow and saying "Steady leadership in a time of terror" when you're alone?

Do you serve on numerous governing boards, including: Carlyle Group, Hollinger International, and the Cato Institute?
-Do you do it for the thrill of Kissinger's breath on your neck?

Is everything you work on "non-partisan?"
Were you dedicated to ensuring accountability in the executive branch of the federal government?
Until January 20, 2001?

Are you still owed valuable military intelligence by Ahmad Chalabi?
Is Judith Miller not returning your calls?

Have you ever written a "libertarian humor" column?
and you're a man?
Are you into the "invisible hand?"
Late at night, does it need the "invisible Vaseline" to get the job done?

Do you own Mastiffs?
Did you name them Richard and Perle?
Does your cook have dreadlocks?
And you're white?
Do you have a trust fund, a yellow magnet on your car, and a golfing buddy who knows somebody who knows somebody whose cousin is in the National Guard?
Do you celebrate "political incorrectness" above all?
And you're pushing 40?

Did you ever host a show on CNBC?
and ABC Monday Night Football?
Have you ever worked on anything that sucked less ass than a fifty-liter enema?

Have you tried to bust unionized sweatshop workers in Carolina?
Have you helped block condom distribution to sex workers in Bangkok?
and you actually got three back to your hotel room for sixty bucks?
Did you wear a condom?

Did you ever edit a nihilistic, vacuous titty magazine that hawked ridiculous clothes and gadgets to self-hating twenty-somethings?
WHY?

Are you an ex-Young Republican with talent to burn?
Have you seen how thin some of the Green Zone bios are?
Have you ever wondered what you did wrong that you haven't been invited to work at FEMA?
Are you chomping at the bit to come after me -- again?
All right... go!

Whoops, sorry--I forgot to activate the comment field.

ps Deepak Chopra, you ARE creepy.