Have you ever seen a woman shriek at the sight of a rat or a wiggly creepy insect? Well, that is what we have become in this election cycle and for very good reason.
The everyday "BREAKING NEWS" that we get every hysterical second on CNN, MSNBC and FOX is not news at all. It is a trailer for the hot new scary film that is coming out on November 8th to a voting booth near you.
The trouble is way too many of us have lost the ability to define what is real and what is not and as a result we are suddenly the bug-eyed victims in a really bad M. Night Shyamalan movie (is there any other kind?).
It is a full six months before D(onald) Day and we have become just like the brainwashed of Manchuria who have been programmed (literally) to believe that the end is near.
Look, Hillary has already gotten more votes in the primary than he who should not be mentioned. Overall the GOP has gotten more total votes because of its larger field of candidates.
But let me take you back to the Romney-Obama fight which the newsmakers made you believe was going to be a down-to-the-last-minute slugfest.
And yet the election was called in less than an hour.
Polls be damned. For a change.
Trump will not get the Latinos, blacks, women and most of his party. Hell, even the Koch brothers aren't going to vote for him. Laura Bush came out for Hillary.
And yet here we all are, packing our long johns for the Canadian winter.
My best advice to you is BREATHE. Because the real BREAKING NEWS is that a small percentage of our more toothless and illiterate brethren is spinning from way too much Trump candy. It is not a national referendum. It's not even a movement. The meek do not get to inherit our world, folks -- unless we hand it over to them.
You have the GOP rats of the good ship Congress to thank for all this. Thanks to their endless covert/overt racism and obstructionism the nation has been beaten down by even the miles away scent of a traditional politician.
So it is not surprising that grumpy old Rabbi Sanders (calm down, I'm Jewish) is whipping up the congregation with his offer of a shekel-free college ride. He doesn't look like a politician nor does he sound like one. He sounds like everyone's drunk uncle who leaves the Thanksgiving table with his pants around his ankles.
And who is getting the most votes for most loathed? Hillary -- who has been indicted for nothing and in fact been hounded for years. She's been endlessly vetted and even showed 30 years of tax records.
I live not too far her hood in NY and I can tell you unequivocally that she is a stellar person -- funny, warm and beyond human. The locals adore her.
And yet Trump calls her Crooked Hillary. Well, she should start calling him Effeminate Trump and offer to stop when he stops the name calling. But you know she is too classy for that.
In this weird political time, being a more traditional politician is now perceived as being a contemptible thing -- even though it is the Republicans who tainted this image.
Old school Politician = villain now. And villain = Hillary. Forget that she is beyond qualified if by experience alone. America is sick and tired of her type of candidate. Her fumbling comment on coal miners did not help her cause at all. But (A) she didn't say what they think she did, and (B) being a genuine human person she did her best to apologize and amend her comments.
What is happening out here on the streets of America is not an entirely bad thing. The real ugliness of America has finally been exposed like the face of the mask dropping Phantom of The Opera. There is no turning back. It is out there for the whole world to see. Some of the disenfranchised have a legitimate complaint. Their personal economy has not rebounded the way it should have. There is real suffering. We still have a lot of work to do.
Thanks to the Republicans, science and education have been eviscerated as well.
When President Obama announced that his daughter was going to Harvard, the bottom-feeding white assholes of the Internet attacked her with the most unimaginable racist language. Were they worried that she was taking the seat away from Goober or Gomer? They don't even know where Harvard is. They just despise logic and meaning that much. Trump knows how to stoke the flames of their collective barbecues by speaking word for word the way that they are thinking, while he does not believe a single thing that he says. It's called pandering, and that is exactly what the GOP has done with their whole Christian, America first, family value thing.
Pure horseshit all of it. You know it. I know it. But they don't know it. They are buying into this thing like it was a WWE Raw event. I worked there once upon a time. I've seen those crowds up close and personal. One audience member had an extra arm.
Reality in the Trump Universe is no different than the McMahon Universe. The difference is the McMahons call it "entertainment" and not a "sport."
Trump is nothing more than Professor Harold Hill who wants you to believe that you can play an instrument like an aficionado just by blowing into it. Just buy into my campaign and I will deliver the magic which will be the greatest magic. The best magic. Believe me.
And they do. They believe him with all their hearts because they don't believe anyone else anymore.
Actual talent, drive or ambition means less than nothing now. What is the point?
Trump has it down.
You want it right now? Well, you got it! All you have to do is contribute to my universe and everything will be taken care of.
That is what will make aMErica great again.
Oh, we got trouble my friends.
Worse is what we have become. We are all a part of the Mean Generation now. The Civil War never ended. It's just nastier and angrier now.
We who are smarter than the average bear are the ones who are fretting about six months down the road with shimmering exclamation points shooting out of our heads.
My heartfelt advice to you is: STOP WATCHING THE NEWS because IT IS NOT NEWS.
It is one giant network whose anchor is arm flapping Butterfly McQueen who is running around in frantic circles swatting at invisible mosquitoes, screaming "I don't know nothin' bout birthin' babies!!"
You are living with hysteria and nothing else. You would not give one dollar to a crystal ball reader. And yet you pay those exorbitant cable fees to get the very same information.
So stop it. Stop it right now.
KEEP CALM AND CARRY VALIUM.
Drink more wine than Chelsea Handler and watch Disney musicals like they were educational documentaries and you will be just fine.
Best of all:
Trump is nothing more than an ongoing reality show and you have the power to cancel him.
Or you can keep buying Trump Kool-Aid until you turn as orange as he is.