Every divorce has a danger zone. That period of time when things can go horribly, horrifically, tragically wrong.
In those cases where the woman has come to the point of no return, wants out of the marriage and demands a divorce is usually her time in the danger zone. Her husband's immediate reaction can cause a host of emotions; not the least of which is fear that he may become physically violent. And those initial emotions can drive a divorce in unforeseen directions.
But for men, the danger zone they experience is much farther down the divorce path. And it doesn't come suddenly but instead builds up slowly over time. It comes at the point when emotional exhaustion is reached and he has realized the woman he married is not the woman he is divorcing. It comes when she has worn him down with endless delays in court and hammered him in front of the judge about how she's "afraid of him" with vague references that are as flimsy as wet toilet paper. All the game playing with the children's visitation time, the parental alienation she may be indulging in and the overprotective mother act that makes it look like he can't care for his own child has him gobsmacked...and vulnerable.
It takes just four words for me to know a man is in the "Danger Zone." He just has to say one, specific phrase and I know that I have to launch into my role as coach, cheerleader, personal therapist, life coach, dating coach, financial advisor and spiritual support system for a brother who has been beaten and battered by the words and games of his soon-to-be-ex.
Once I hear the four words, I know that we are on the brink of defeat. He's about to give in and lose his past, his present and most of his future. When he says the "Danger Zone" words, he's in real trouble.
What are the words? "I just want out."
That's it. That's all it takes for me to know that I have a client who is about to sign his life away.
I've seen it hundreds of times. She works him over emotionally for months, in some cases, for years. By the time he's in my office, he's lost birthdays, holidays, countless weekends and midweek dinners with his kids. He's answered hundreds of inane questions, and produced mountains of financial documents.
It's at this point, when he's reached the end of his emotional rope, where he makes spectacularly bad decisions. He will agree to a lifetime of non-modifiable spousal support and is as flexible to her as a pair of pantyhose.
"I just want out" is the dying refrain of a man in a divorce.
It's painful to watch. I spend hours talking beaten-down men off the cliff of "I just want out." I remind them that the deals they make today have to be paid tomorrow. I tell them to go to Vegas, get drunk, do anything to get some distance and all will be better in the morning.
Keeping a man's spirits up during the lengthy process of a contested divorce is a major role and purpose for a lawyer like me. My job is not just to fight for the visitation schedule that a father deserves but to keep his resolve to leave the marriage with as much money as she gets. It's my job to create an exit plan for the spousal support and to have my eye on his future. Because in the fog of war - he can't see.
I remind my men that in a few months they'll lose the "Partner Pudge" they put on, he'll be out in a bar or hanging out with friends, and the game will have changed from when he was married.
Frequently my pep talks work. In those cases, when I've used every argument I have to keep him from giving up and I succeed, invariably he comes back to me in a year and thanks me. He tells me I was right. He's realized that there are many more women out there for him, that he has found a way to make the time with his children count, and he's grateful that he didn't sign his life away because he was thinking "I just want out."
Guiding a man through the "Danger Zone" is difficult, painful, and frequently frustrating. And oftentimes no matter how much I warn a client what may be in his future, many feel that it won't happen to them. Maybe it's a 'guy" thing. The reality is that we all want to throw up our hands sometimes and scream, "Enough!" But in the all too frequently rough and tumble world of divorce, where words slice like daggers and false statements are often viewed as fact, that surrender flag a man waves can actually be the start of another battle.
David T. Pissara's book, A Man's Guide To Divorce Strategy, can be purchased here.
I JUST WANT OUT!
Over and over for the past few months. The houses, 401K and other property
are not important to me anymore. I will pay more attention and try to keep
the settlement 50/50 rather than feeling guilty about how this whole thing
unravelled. I used to feel more guilty, but your article helped, I feel less guilty.
Who is to blame? Doesnt matter. I JUST WANT OUT!
"We Want a Prenup"
i've seen numerous breakups between others in my life and have come to understand that i can't begin to understand what the "breaking point" is.
there are "danger zones" for men
and women.
i find your article a little acrid.
"WHAATT??!!"
"...danger zone."
One might think that 50 percent of the time, a divorce action is filed by the husband, and the other 50 percent of the time it’s the wife who begins the proceedings — or that maybe there’s a small percentage to subtract for the divorces that are somehow filed jointly by spouses who agree that they should part.
Two-Thirds of the Time
It’s the wife who files for divorce in about two-thirds of divorce cases, at least among couples who have children. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the proportion has changed slightly over the years; for example, in 1975, approximately 72 percent of the divorces in the U.S. were filed by women, whereas by 1988, only about 65 percent were filed by women.
The Same throughout the 19th Century
A study reported in the American Law and Economics Review in 2000, "These Boots Are Made for Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers are Women" also showed that more recently, women file more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US.
Moreover, in some of the states where no-fault divorce was introduced, over 70 percent of the divorce filings were by women. Among college-educated couples, the percentage of divorces initiated by wives is a whopping 90 percent.
http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/faq/emotional/who-initiates-divorce-men-or-women.html
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90% of college educated women initiate divorce. Enough said.
When I got divorced after 20 years, I did't ask for anything. I had a good job and thought I had my own retirement. I didn't ask for half of his like my lawyer told me to. I was too proud to ask or think ahead if something happened. WE had joint custody and I had him over 3 times a week for dinner with our son. They could go do things together any time he wanted. I tried to keep it the best it could be to show our son just because we couldn't live together things were still OK.
Three years later I got forced out on early retirement with 1/3 ofincome after 22 years of service. I found my ex had told them to cut me because he thought I would come back if I didn't have the income I had. He also lied to everyone about how bad he got taken. He was a habitual liar and that's why we got divorced
If I had done the typical thing most do in divorce, I would have $1800 a month more in retirement now not to mention all the stock I lost. Looking back I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, but in my heart I took the high road of civility for my son's sake to show him people can care without fighting over money.
Money isn't happiness but it sure comes in handy when the bills have to be paid----LOL I'm paying car insurance for him (my son) now because his work is sporatic and depends on the economy and entertainment business.
Regardless, you did the right thing. Nothing can take that from you. You acted on what you believed was right, instead of what would give you selfish personal gain. Then you were betrayed, through no fault of your own. Whatever else, your integrity deserves respect, and that includes self respect. Used properly, it's worth more than $1800 a month (I know: Easy for me to say, when I'm not the one who could've had the $1800 instead. Still true, though).
The company was forcing alot of people out early so they wouldn't have to pay full retirement benefits. Someone else I knew was forced out for vericous veins in his leg. On top of that, I wasn't allowed to work for anyone else or I would lose my medical benefits and on reduced retirement the premiums were too high.
So when I hear the stories of men geting screwed in divorce, I just cringe and wonder what really happened. I'm sure some of them got a bad deal but in general they usually get balanced out fairly.
It's too bad so many forget about the kids and how it affects them in the long run when you can't be honest and civil and seek revenge in divorce. My ex will have to answer for what he did when his time comes by a higher power.
Thanks for your thoughts.
BTW, only one woman had the courage to answer a simple 3 question survey I put out a couple days ago to see who initated the divorce and who loses what in that process:
1. Who initiated the divorce?
2. Who pays alimony and/or child support?
3. Who has primary physical custody of the children?
Not to say that the situation can't be reversed in some fringe cases - just trying to ascertain what the majority of cases are...
1. Who initiated the divorce? He did.
2. Who pays alimony and child support? He does. Without it, we would have been
left high and dry.
3. Who has primary physical custody of the children? I do. He's simply not available to
care for children and see to their needs. In fact, he asked to skip the last two of
his weekends. That means he hasn't even seen them in a month. He's "busy" and
he knows I'm there for them no matter what.