Gay Pride: Men get together to laugh and have fun and celebrate the Big Event, but exclude anyone who might drink beer or chips or other delicious snacks. Those people are fat, and will destroy the uniformed look of physical perfection so necessary on this day of unity.
SB: Good friends reunite with old pals they haven't seen since last year, and kiss and hug them to make up for lost time.
GP: Strangers reunite with men they haven't seen since this afternoon at the gym, and kiss and hug them, grateful they won't have to pretend to like them again until next year.
SB: Straight men fly in from all over the world and spend a fortune on travel expenses and lodging just to be a part of this amazing experience.
GP: Gay men fly in from all over the world and spend a fortune on travel expenses and lodging just to find new men to have amazing sex with.
SB: Outrageously expensive commercials are debuted for an eager male audience to enjoy and discuss for weeks.
GP: Outrageously expensive parties are debuted for an eager male audience to enjoy and forget by morning.
SB: Everyone gets excited when someone scores a touchdown. Hopefully, this will happen many more times during the evening.
GP: Everyone gets excited when someone touches another guy and goes down. Hopefully, this will happen many more times during the next few minutes.
SB: Players who use illegal performance-enhancing drugs are publicly humiliated and banned from future sporting events.
GP: Men who use illegal performance-enhancing drugs humiliate those with smaller muscles, and can usually be seen dancing in their underwear on top of a box.
SB: People go out of their way to be close to anyone wearing an official jersey.
GP: People go out of their way to avoid anyone from New Jersey.
SB: Men dress in identical uniforms before they hit the field so the crowds will know whom to root for.
GP: Men dress in identical outfits before they hit the streets so the crowds will know they are celebrating their unique identity.
SB: At halftime, a hugely popular singer entertains the crowd, forcing security to control the crowds, and boring most men, who use this time to make a beer run.
GP: At the end of the night, a hugely popular gay icon entertains the crowd, causing the men to smash into each other to get a closer peek and forcing security to rescue at least one half-dead partygoer. The men in the back, bored, use this time to make a lite beer run.
SB: Jockstraps and padded crotches are needed to ensure the players' safety, in what can be a very physical, competitive night.
GP: Jockstraps and padded crotches are needed to ensure the men's popularity, in what can be a very physical, competitive night.
SB: The most valuable player, usually in his early 20's, is applauded and worshipped and fantasized by millions, and receives numerous sponsorships until his career ends in a few years and he becomes an actor or a sportscaster.
GP: The most popular man of the day, usually in his early 20's, is applauded and worshiped and fantasized by hundreds, until his looks fade and he gets a 12-step sponsor and moves to Fort Lauderdale in a couple of years.
SB: A few women come out in cheerleader outfits, and the men go crazy and whoop and holler and daydream about them.
GP: A few women come out dressed in leather outfits, and the men ignore them.
SB: A fabulous diva lip-syncs the National Anthem, and her interpretation and relevance are discussed for weeks.
GP: A fabulous diva lip-syncs, and her interpretation and relevance are ignored over exactly what label he or she should be given, an argument that will be debated and discussed and fought over for weeks, until social media picks up on a new politically incorrect term to debate.
SB: Closeted men sport "beards," women who make them more socially acceptable to the conservative straight crowds.
GP: Out men sport beards, trimmed facial hair that makes them more socially acceptable to the mainstream gay crowds.
SB: A few gay men watch from the comfort of their own homes, shocked at the idiotic, childish, drunken revelry that makes up this day. They whisper "damn breeders," and wonder why these guys can't act more civilized, like gay people.
GP: A few straight men watch from the sidelines, shocked at the idiotic, childish, drunken revelry that makes up this day. They whisper "damn homos," and wonder why these guys can't act more civilized, like straight people.
SB: When the men wake up in the morning, hungover and too sick to go into work, they realize it was worth the pounding headache and vomiting because their team showed sportsmanship and leadership and pride in their game. Besides, they won!
GP: When the men wake up in the morning, hungover and too sick to go into work, they realize it was worth the pounding headache and vomiting because their friends showed acceptance and strength and pride in their sexuality. Besides, they got laid!
SB: In the end, it's really just about tight ends and wide receivers and butt slaps and crotch tugs and referees and timeouts and cheerleading and playing with balls and skimpy outfits and guys with whistles and men in headgear and popular hunks and a playing field of men.
GP: Whoops, I accidentally reversed the order. That was supposed to be Gay Pride. Super Bowl is about a game.