I know Johnny Depp a little. He is a lovely guy. We met many years ago when I went to do a Rolling Stone cover story on Winona Ryder, and I lost an interview tape in the beanbag chair of the house they were living in then. Johnny generously offered to help me search everywhere until we found the missing cassette. Years later, I did another Rolling Stone cover story with Johnny and Keith Richards for the Pirates movie. And just a few weeks ago, I ran into Johnny again when he very sweetly found the time to present his movie dad Keith with the Rock Icon award at the 2009 Scream Awards which I was working on.
Because we share so much history together, I am hereby announcing that I have decided not to protest Johnny's outrageous victory over me in this year's list of the Sexiest Men Alive. In fact, you may be shocked to know that I am nowhere on this list. Indeed, I just got a letter from People formally asking me not to even read the issue. To each his or her own -- though I'm pretty sure my wife voted for Johnny too.
So instead of pleading my case, let me simply say, "Damn, you Mr. Scissorhands and congratulations, sir. Enjoy your damn playlist, you sexy beast."
YOU WIN AGAIN - Hank Williams
CHASING PIRATES - Norah Jones
SO YOU WIN AGAIN - Hot Chocolate
YOU SEXY THING - Hot Chocolate
SEXY BITCH - David Guetta
JOHNNY JOHNNY - Prefab Sprout
THE WINNER TAKES ALL - Abba
YOU WIN AGAIN - Keith Richards
WIN SOME LOSE SOME - Robbie Williams
I'M WAITING FOR THE MAN - Vanessa Paradis
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN - Them
WIN - David Bowie
WIN, LOSE OR DRAW - Allman Brothers Band
YOU WIN, I LOSE - Supertramp
YOU CAN'T WIN - Michael Jackson
YOU WIN AGAIN - Bee Gees
Now that I'm done being so incredibly gracious, what are your songs for the Sexiest Man Alive?
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