THE BLOG
11/15/2012 10:02 pm ET Updated Jan 15, 2013

After Divorce; Is A Great Relationship Possible

I'm about to pose a question that we all wonder about, whether deep down or on the surface.

Most of you reading this article are divorced. Congratulations.

You've left a relationship that was dysfunctional for you, and now you have the opportunity to find a better one.

Let's first define what being single is. Being single means you have the opportunity to go find a relationship that you've never had before and be successful at it.

Now here is where it gets tricky. Notice that I used the phrase "never had before."

Sounds easy, right? You're going after a relationship you never had before. It's exciting and it almost makes you want to jump up and down.

It makes you feel really good in the morning. You wake up, and you know that today could be the day that you'll find that relationship you've never had. But the question is, does that relationship really exist?

Let's state the facts:

Most of you are divorced. Most of you have issues. As a matter of fact, all of us have issues.

So a relationship is when two people bring their suitcases full of issues to the table, mix them all together, and see if they can cohabitate together in an issue-filled relationship.

There is nothing negative about that at all. We all have our issues; we all have our stuff. It's a matter of if we can put up with each other's stuff.

See, when we're alone, we have no trouble putting up with our own stuff. We can lock ourselves down in our man caves. If we're women, we can lock ourselves in our women's caves, and we can deal with our stuff on our own.

But where it gets complicated is knowing exactly how to love your partner's stuff and love them for who they really are.

Do great relationships really exist or are they just some Hollywood pipe dream?

I've seen a few really great relationships, and they all start by putting the partner first. The man and woman, that partnership, is put before anything else. A relationship will only work if both couples make each other a priority.

It all sounds so simple, right? Then why do we mess it up so many times?

Well, there are the egos involved, and then you've got the expectations. There are fantasies involved when the children arrive, but even that is just an excuse. They are all just excuses.

When we meet somebody new, we need to learn how to love and nurture them. If you've ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" you'll understand what I'm talking about. If not, I strongly suggest it.

Understanding your next partner's love language will allow you to nurture them in the way they need to be nurtured, because in reality, we're just giant boys and girls running around wanting to be loved.

It's all so simple on paper but yet when reality hits, we never can figure out exactly how to do it.

I'm all about love. I believe in it still, even though I've had many failed relationships and divorces. I still believe it can exist.

I would like to have that one great relationship, that relationship where you put each other first, put each other on a pedestal, and really love each for who you are.

What about jobs and children? They're secondary. You can still love your job and love your children but you need to put your partner at the forefront.

In every great relationship that I've ever seen, the man and the woman put the family unit--meaning the man and the woman--first. The kids were secondary, work was secondary. It didn't make either of them a bad parent to do it that way, because it keeps them together, it keep them working as a team.

You need your partner to be your best friend, your confidante, your comrade in the battle of life. So you need to make each other first.

You're naturally going to love your children unconditionally. That goes without saying. Your children are always going to get the love that they need. Your children are going to get the attention that they need.

But at the end of the day, after work has finished and the rugrats have been tucked in, you need to really embrace the person that you're with, because that person is going to support you and go to battle with you in life.

The kids are going to grow up, become teenagers, leave the house, and not want to be a part of you anymore.

That job you love, you may get fired from. And you'll find a new job.

But think about how hard it is to find a great partner. You don't just cruise the classifieds and find another great partner the next day. Relationships are the real work.

So the next time you find somebody who you think is great, do everything the opposite way that you did it before. Make sure you nurture the relationship first. Make sure you make it a priority. Make sure that you have open communication so the two of you can feel safe and secure and amazing.

There are a lot of great relationships. My goal is to help you find your great relationship so you don't have to go through the divorce treadmill all over again.

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