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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do ... Unless You're A Celebrity

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Breaking up is hard to do. I don't remember all the lyrics to that song, but I remember that it was Neil Sedaka who sang it.

Breaking up is hard to do? Well, not according to Tony Romo. Tony Romo apparently was able to dump Jessica Simpson on her birthday and still go out and play a game. Breaking up with someone clearly isn't hard for him to do.

Brad Pitt supposedly broke up one time with Angelina Jolie, and the next day was seen canoodling with some other woman. In that case, breaking up wasn't hard to do either, since he clearly wanted to be canoodling with someone else.

Once again, why are we so infatuated with celebrities and how they break up with one another? Do we think they know how to do it any better than we do? The only difference is that they get caught canoodling the next day, while we are home eating three bags of potato chips, drinking two gallons of Coke and crying our eyes out.

Maybe there should be a reality television show about breaking up. Instead of showing celebrities canoodling after a breakup with another hot celebrity, they would have Mr. Joe America (or Ms. Jane America) eating bags of chips, crying and texting their friends nonstop about how much breaking up stinks.

Breaking up is hard. I must tell you that I absolutely hate it. I'm the king of getting the other person to break up with me.

I have a formula for how to make that happen. It's wonderful. Your relationship isn't good. You retreat into your own little cave. You do a few things to make them angry (but don't ever cheat on them). You pull back your love. Eventually, they will sit you down to tell you that they are just not feeling the relationship anymore.

Breaking up is tough. It means that you must sit down face to face with someone and tell them that you don't want that relationship anymore. You have to be strong, because most breakups are not mutual.

It rarely ever happens that you sit down with someone and say "Hey, I want to break up," the other person says "Me too! Cool . . . Want to grab some dinner?" and you two go instantly back to being great friends. I did, however, actually have this happen once when my first marriage ended.

She was amazing. We were friends, and we realized that the marriage wasn't working anymore. So she moved out, and a couple days later we had some Thai food. While we were eating she said, "I think we should get a divorce" and I said "Me too!"

She asked how we should divide up the furniture. I said, "I don't know. Rock-paper-scissors?" She said, "I was thinking odds or evens." We ended up doing rock-paper-scissors to see who got to pick first, then we took turns after that. It was like an NFL draft. In the first round, I went first and she went second. Then in the second round, she went first and I went second. It was fun. It was great.

As my first pick in the 1995 breakup draft, I took the armoire in the bedroom. I knew she really wanted the white sofa, so I didn't take it. That white sofa also had a couple of issues like a slight tear in the pillow, and I didn't want to worry about having to have the couch out for parts plastic surgery.

So I went with the armoire, which didn't have a scratch on it and looked really good at the Combine. For those of you who don't follow football, Google "NFL Combine" and you'll get my analogy.

Neil Sedaka said that breaking up is hard to do, and he is right. Most breakups don't go as smoothly as my '1995 breakup draft,' so it is important to know how to best handle a breakup. Breakups are all about being honest -- honest with yourself and honest with your partner.

Why does it seem like so many relationships break up two years after they were really over? It happens because both parties were scared to death of hurting the other person.

Let me tell you something. In that situation, you are going to hurt each other no matter what. So isn't it better to hurt them now rather than two years down the road, and not waste two years of their time? Honesty is great.

Sylvester Stallone once broke up with his girlfriend by sending her a note via FedEx. You've got to love that. When you positively have to break up with someone overnight, just send a FedEx letter. You wouldn't want the delay of sending your break up note by regular mail. What if the Post Office would have lost the letter? It might have taken you two weeks -- or even a month -- to break up!

All kidding aside, if you are in the process of breaking up with someone (or have made up your mind that you want to break up with someone), then you need to just do it. It's not going to get any easier. The other person is going to be hurt no matter when you do it.

The quicker you do it, the quicker you can both get on with your lives. Get on with finding a love that really works for you.

As Sting so perfectly said, 'If you love someone, let them go.' There is no point holding on after you know it's over. Allow them to have their life back.

Of course they will grieve. They'll drink lots of Coke and eat lots of potato chips. They'll yell and scream and hate you for a while. It's worth it in the long run, though, because they'll be free to go out and find the person for whom they are really looking.

U2 sang the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." That should be your theme song. So many songs and analogies today in this blog. What it all comes down to is having the guts to be honest with yourself and your partner, and to break up when you know the relationship is over.

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