THE BLOG
02/23/2011 04:13 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Truth Behind Why Men Cheat

It's 3:30 a.m., and I am crippled with some of the worst insomnia I've had in a long time. My wife is lying next to me, pretty much oblivious to the fact that I have been up almost all night tossing and turning, unable to sleep.

I sat up in bed for a split second, and my dog came over to me. At that moment, I realized why they call dogs "man's best friend." The second I sat up, my dog knew I couldn't sleep and came over to soothe me. Of course, when a dog soothes you, you really do all the work by petting them. It is relaxing, though, to do that.

At that point I thought to myself, "I have got to get out of this bed!" Do you ever have that feeling when you can't sleep like you're crawling out of your skin, so you just have to get out of bed?

I live on the beach, and I decided that going for a walk out there would be a good way to clear my head. I had about four full hours of anxiety lying in that bed with my insomnia, and hoped taking a walk on the beach would help.

As I was walking, I started to realize how different men and women really are. That led me to think about this question: Why do men really cheat?

Women ask me this question all the time, and I always tell them the same thing. Men cheat for one of two reasons: either it is something that you're doing or not doing to satisfy them, or they are just natural-born cheaters. The truth is, though, that I think it goes a lot deeper than that.

The reasons I just gave for why men cheat can probably be reversed for women. Women probably do the same things. And before you read I want to repeat that statement: all the reasons below can be reversed for why women cheat.

Throughout my years of coaching, men have confided a lot in me. Here are some reasons that men have revealed to me over the years that would (and have) led them to cheat:

  1. Women Completely Change Their Focus
  2. I know a lot of men cheat after they start a family. They wonder, "Where is the woman I met? Where is the woman who used to be so attentive to me, but now only shows attention to the children and is too tired to be attentive to me?" I've heard that from a lot of guys.

    A lot of guys have also told me that the woman they married is not the same woman once she became a mother. She stopped listening to the man's needs, wants and desires.

    Not only that, but a lot of these men tell me that while the women had become so inattentive to their needs, they simultaneously were asking and begging for their own needs and desires to be attended to by the man. I've heard these things from a lot of men, and I can see this happening.

    Women are wonderful with children. They are so naturally in tune with their kids. That's why they're amazing mothers. They are not, however, as good at being in tune with their men. I think a lot of women are not that in tune with the simplicity of men's needs.

  3. Their Emotional Needs Aren't Getting Met
  4. Another reason why I think men cheat is because when they realize that emotionally their needs aren't being met, they shut down -- and more so than women really think. As a man, we have very simple needs. Sorry ladies, it's not just sex. It's about an emotional connection. It's about knowing that the woman is going to be there, and that both of you will do things for each other emotionally.

  5. They Don't Feel Desired Anymore

Another reason that I think men cheat is because they just don't feel desired anymore. There's a dynamic that takes place where when a woman doesn't communicate sexually with a man in a man's language, a man in his mind will not feel wanted and desired anymore. A man's language of sex is "I want you or I'd love you to do those things to me that I love to do." A woman can communicate that back in a number of ways -- by lighting candles, putting on lingerie or even by just saying it.

When a man doesn't feel desired in this way, he will just pull back. A man wants to feel desired and needed. He wants a woman to get in tune with him just like she does with the children. Children are wonderful, and women who are mothers become wonderful nurturers. It makes you realize, however, how not in tune men and women can be.

These are the things I've heard from a lot of men about why they cheat (or why they would want to cheat). So I thought I'd enlighten you a little bit on that, and also give you some things to think about in your own relationship.

Ask yourself these questions if you are in this kind of family dynamic. How in tune are you with your kids? How many times when they look at you for something are you doing it already because you're so dialed in to their wants and needs?

You know what they need, and you provide it. The second they're born, you're figuring it out. They cry, and because you don't want them to cry, you figure out what they need. You get really good at that, and it's beautiful to watch.

How often does your man "cry out," and how often do you listen to those cries from him? Do you satisfy your man's needs when he cries out?

Of course, a man is not going to cry like a baby, but he will make little complaints or make a simple statement. What do you do with those statements? Do you actually think to yourself, "I should do that for him," or do you just kind of ignore them and think, "He's a big boy, he can do it on his own"? A defenseless child can't do it on their own, but yet, aren't we all just big children who want and need to feel loved the same way?

***

I'm still on the beach. Thank God for the wonders of technology so that I can write while I'm walking on the beach. It's beautiful on the beach at 3:30 a.m. There's no one around but me, my dog, my phone and my dictation service.

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