Do you have children in your life? Did you even stay longer in a marriage you would have otherwise ended for the sake of the kids (thinking that two parents are better than one)? If you did this, did you think that if you broke up the family unit with a divorce, that the kids would turn out to be a complete mess?
I am going to twist and turn this idea around a little bit today. If you are divorced, have you ever considered that you got divorced because of your kids?
It's funny. I have so many married people who come to me for advice, telling me that they want to stay together for the kids. Meanwhile these two people cannot stand each other anymore and can barely tolerate being in the same room with each other -- but think it's a good idea to stay together because of the kids.
Kids are pretty smart. They are very perceptive, and they read people's energy. They know it when their parents can't stand each other, so why would you stay together 'for the kids?' You aren't fooling anyone by doing that . . . especially the kids.
Have you ever looked at your life and realized that the kids complicated things in your marriage, and that it is actually because of the kids that your marriage ultimately went down the drain? I know some of you are probably boiling right now as you're reading this and thinking, "What is he talking about?! How can he say that?
I am sure that your daughter or son is wonderful. I am sure that all of your kids are just fantastic. Have you ever thought, though, about what those kids did to your marriage?
Its not really about the kids, what the kids do is magnify the problems you had before they k came around. You tend to blame the kids but in reality its really issues that were never worked on or fixed before the kids came along.
A lot of couples have a lot of trouble dealing with this dynamic. In the beginning, things are so fantastic between them. Then the kids come and it complicates things. A lot of people have trouble really balancing more than one or two things.
So have any of you really thought about how your kids have impacted your relationship with your significant other, and about what you could have done differently to maybe have helped the relationship to survive?
The reason why I'm saying this is because you're going to eventually get involved in another relationship if you are already divorced, or you may have a chance of salvaging your current relationship if you're on the verge of divorce. Whichever of those situations is yours, the children aren't going anywhere and if you don't take time to look at this then you are going to end up making the same relationship mistakes again.
So whatever place you are at right now in your relationship -- whether you're recently divorced or thinking about getting a divorce -- you need to realize that the children are a consistent presence in your life and may have more effect on the state of your relationship than you previously thought. So if your relationship is fizzling out (in terms of the spark, the chemistry, the passion etc), realize that it could very well be because you never worked on the issues before the kids came along and as we know issues do not just fix themselves.
So what you need to do to change that, is learn how to balance that stress. You need to learn how to do this so your next relationship is not doomed to repeat what happened with this one. Learn from what happened to this relationship, and learn how to balance taking care of yourself and your relationship with taking care of the kids.
I'm going to end on this note . . .
Kids coming into a relationship should be treated very much like when your partner came into your life -- You don't totally change who you are and what your life is all about. You just add them into your life, while still keeping your own interests.
You can't completely ignore your own needs, wants and desires. Life is all about balancing and maintaining that balance.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and saw a woman just screaming at her two kids. She was clearly at her wit's end. I can only imagine what her marriage must be like. She probably screams at her husband too. She's obviously taken on too much.
I've seen a lot of people who have more kids than they can handle. There's a good reason why you need to really learn who you are as a person and what you're all about -- it will help you to know what you can handle.
No one is going to judge you. Before you get involved in another relationship, learn what you can handle so that the relationship and your kids have a chance to flourish and prosper. Realize that you may need to learn how to balance a life of kids and romance, and don't forget about your own life.
Don't be one of these people who totally put their life on pause until their kids have all reached the age of eighteen, thinking they can pick up their life and their relationship exactly where they left it. It doesn't work that way, and some of you can probably attest to that.
So many people get sucked into the idea of having more kids when they can't handle the one(s) they have already. This happens when you're not honest with yourself. When this happens, this is where you see relationships fizzling out and falling apart.
When you are honest with yourself, you can appreciate your kids, your lover and your own life better. Also, you will be better equipped to make that next relationship really work.