April 1st News Network

04/01/2013 03:18 pm ET | Updated Jun 01, 2013

During a press conference that stunned the world, a heretofore unknown delegation of folks culled from every nook and cranny of the globe announced that, from this moment forward, human beings would collectively embrace their 'better nature.'

"We just look at the situation, you know, the scope of history and all that. We saw some good things: Shakespeare, Mozart, singing, bicycles, jelly beans and so forth. We saw some bad things: War, famine, crushing and ruthless avarice, CNN. Really, the list of bad things was quite long. Anyway, it hit us all of a sudden; sort of a group synergy thing: 'Why not just go with the good stuff?' So, that's what we have decided to do."

The spokesperson was immediately challenged by reporters.

"Hold on a moment. How can you decide how 7.2 billion people will act? It just doesn't seem feasible."

"Well," the she replied, "we did think about that. We bandied it about for a bit. At one point it got pretty heated; the delegate from Ghana threatened to run the head of the delegate from Belarus through a wall. Just at that moment the delegate from Paraguay broke in, 'Hey! This is EXACTLY what we are talking about. Instead of running his head through the wall, you could gently and lovingly caress his cheeks while reciting a sonnet.'...A moment later the room was filled with caresses and a polyglot warbling of inspired sonnetry."

"Look here," a columnist from the Guardian responded, "Do you honestly expect us to buy-in to this piffle?"

In the view of this correspondent there appeared, for a barely discernible split-second, a flash of rage in the eyes of the spokesperson, but scarcely half a beat later she descended from her dias, approached the Guardian columnist and was stroking his five o'clock shadow.

"By jove, that's not so bad. Not so bad at all."