10 Commandments they Never Got From Reagan

04/05/2006 05:20 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It looks like the Republican Revolutionaries are making their last gasp in power as painful-to-watch as that liquefied-brain chick's balloon-torture video. And I have to blame Reagan. Not just because I like to blame Reagan for things, and whoo-MAMA do I like that, but because he never showed these petty criminals how to move up to the Boss's chair. They've become unmoored from the Gyper's big-crime strategy, and we're seeing how much the Ronnie theology lacks, not having any commandments.

Here, then, are an idealogue's decalogue of lessons the Republicans might have learned had they been raised in Reagan values-based families.

1. Thou shalt not steal from Target; Thou shalt steal from taxpayers.

2. Thou shalt not shoot an old guy; Thou shalt shoot nuns.

3. Thou shalt not try to diddle kiddies; Thou shalt screw them out of their college loans.

4. Thou shalt not drown the blacks; Thou shalt imprison them.

5. Thou shalt not invade an unarmed country; Thou shalt invade three or four unarmed countries.

6. Thou shalt not leave an angry war mother alone; Thou shalt give her plenty of company.

7. Thou shalt not foul the skies with poison; If anybody's watching.

8. Thou shalt not threaten Iran on one hand while making their dreams come true with the other; Oh, wait. Thou shalt do exactly that.

9. Thou shalt not sell legislation in exchange for campaign contributions; Thou shalt... Damn! That one's OK too.

10. Thou shalt not appoint utterly sociopathic Attorneys General; OK, this one's not set in stone or anything. In fact, it's kind of fun to find out, without giving it away, how explicit we can make our secret motto: "You have no more rights than a dog, rube."