"You're turning into a bitch," my friend said when I told her she couldn't drop her kids off so she could do errands because I was busy. I was so taken aback by those words that I offered to change my plans to accommodate her. I didn't like being called a bitch. After all, I'd always been a nice girl. The word bitch stung and confused me about how to handle myself.
After being a consummate people-pleaser throughout my twenties, I began to see the light of self-empowerment and decided I was entitled to put what I needed first -- sometimes. Friends didn't like me not being the go-to girl for favors. It was rarely reciprocated and I got tired of feeling taken for granted. When I finally began to turn people down, "bitch" was often used and I'd cave. My desire to do more for me was tempered by that word and I retreated back to my excessive people-pleasing.
Until I had a wake-up call.
One morning, my husband (now ex) said he wanted Italian food for dinner. He was a good person who enjoyed that I allowed him to make all the decisions. I went along with him from the beginning and we fell into a pattern of him choosing and me agreeing. I thought that's how it should be. That night I developed indigestion and asked to go to a restaurant where I could eat light. Hubby insisted he was set on Italian. I tried to make him understand that I didn't feel well and there was nothing I could eat in the restaurant he had chosen.
"Could we please this one time go to a restaurant that works for me?" I asked.
He got huffy and said, "I'm going for Italian! You can come with me or not."
I'll never forget the look on his face when I said, "not!"
When he saw I was serious, he jabbed that the people calling me a bitch were right. I was turning into one and better wake up and go back to being a nice girl. It was the first time I ever went against what he wanted. In the past I'd have gone for Italian and sipped a cup of tea while he ate. But I wanted to eat, just something light, and for the first time believed I had a right to.
Hubby stormed out. He wasn't used to me taking a stand. I licked my wounds after his bitch jabs. Only this time, logic overrode people-pleasing. I wasn't a bitch for having indigestion! I had a right to want a restaurant that I could eat in too! Ahhhh.... The light of self-empowerment got a little brighter.
This was the first time I recognized how people use words like bitch to stop a woman's progress. The underlying message behind the name-calling is things like:
• "You're not giving me my way so you're a bitch."
• "You're saying things I don't want to hear, even if you're right, and that makes you a bitch!"
• "Women should be soft-spoken and agreeable and if you're not, you're a bitch."
• "Why are you being such a bitch for [contradicting me; getting the boss on your side; not inviting me to dinner with other friends; getting me to lower my price so much]?"
And so on. That realization made me realize the word "bitch" is used as a verbal weapon to manipulate women and helped me get past it and move to a place of real empowerment. As people got used to the "new" me, I heard bitch less and less. Bitch is used on women who are learning to say "no" and speak up more by people who are used to soft compliance. I was still courteous and kind -- not a bitch!
If you try to stop being a people-pleaser and get called a bitch, do an honest appraisal. If you've done nothing to deserve it, take it as a sign you're making progress. Many women get called a bitch as they transition from people-pleaser or soft-spoken wimp to someone who values her needs and recognizes they are important. The name caller is frustrated and wants you to return to being more "agreeable."
I call that a "Better Bitch" -- a woman labeled unfairly because people don't like her new, empowered persona. You're becoming a better, healthier person, and they want to stop you. What I call "word darts" are used for that. You're not aggressive, selfish or a bitch for taking better care of yourself and speaking up for you. Those words mean you're transitioning in to an empowered woman who'll get much more and be happier. That's a good thing!
Now that I understand this, when someone unfairly calls me a bitch, I just smile and say, "Thank you!"
Follow Daylle Deanna Schwartz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@daylle
In London, a proper British man comes home from work, looking forward to some peace and quiet and sipping his tea in his small, green garden by himself.
When he arrives home, his wife and mother in law are there. His wife asks him to have tea together with her and her mother. He, not wanting to offend, accepts. He sits with them, and her mother starts talking and talking and asking questions. The entire time, all he can think about is how much he HATES her for talking and ruining his peace and quiet, and his wife for not helping him have his tea out in his garden by himself. He can't enjoy a single second and can barely wait for his mother in law to leave ...
.
let me tell you a story about how the devil stuck his tail, in the name of "manners" and "being nice" and turned one against the other and ruined man's peace ....
learning to set limits and boundaries by saying "NO" (it does matter how you do it) is part of respecting yourself and enjoying healthy relationships with others...
So women behaving like adults were punished for acting like men, and for usurping the male prerogative, they were called bitches. I have no cheerful associations with the word. I prefer to state, mildly but firmly, "Your not having your way doesn't make me a bitch." Letting people wipe their feet on you makes you a doormat, not a lady. And anyone who refuses to acknowledge this, as mother told me on my first day of school, is not your friend.
It's bolstering to have someone stand up for you, but I'm very glad you stood up for yourself.
Don't get me wrong, I let other choose restaurants and do favors for friends, but I am not a doormat for anyone. Bonus to this, my friends respect and admire me for having boundaries and limitations, because I am real and not fake. Fake falls away quickly when it does not get it's way, real stays.
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Honest
Intelligent
I'll try to remember what you wrote the next time it happens!