Yes, it's true, I am Christine O'Donnell, and so are you if you watch her new campaign commercial below. (Please watch the commercial before reading further -- it will be 30 seconds of your life well spent.)
Her commercial opens with the line: "I'm not a witch." You don't have to be a political expert to realize that if your campaign commercial begins with the statement: "I'm not a witch," your campaign is in trouble. This goes way beyond other famous political denials like Bill Clinton's: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" or Richard Nixon's: "I'm not a crook." This is special, she is denying being a supernatural being in the race for the US Senate. Priceless.
At end of her commercial, she creepily says: "I am you." Which to be honest, sounds a little witchy. Is this a spell? If her witchcraft works and I become her, am I now running for the US Senate? And she is now me? Does she have to go to New Jersey on Sunday to have dinner with my Mom?
I'm not sure, but after watching this commercial, one thing is certain: I have a new found appreciation for the intelligence of Sarah Palin.
Clearly, Christine O'Donnell's campaign is a wreck -- so in an effort to make it more interesting between now and Election Day, here are my suggestions for Christine:
- Make a new campaign commercial declaring: "I'm Christine O'Donnell, I'm not a witch, but I am zombie." Zombies are clearly cooler than witches. They're in tons of movies and in popular books like my friend Max Brooks "World War Z." Or better yet, claim to be a vampire. They are the rage. Get one of kids from the "Twilight" movies in your ad. Team Christine will be born!
- Make a new commercial where you commit to being a witch. You can dress all witchy with a hat, broom, green face paint and threaten people with witchy stuff like: "Vote for me or spend eternity as a frog." Or maybe promise to cast a spell on the economy that will create jobs. I would actually consider voting for you if you could do that!
- Accuse your opponent of being a werewolf. Why not? People lie in political campaigns all the time so why not accuse your Democratic opponent Chris Coons of being a werewolf. Then he has to go on TV and say: "Hi, I'm Chris Coons and I'm not a werewolf." How cool with that be?!
But despite her denial and the fact there is no credible evidence, I think she is a witch. That is why I'm starting the "witchers" movement inspired by "the birthers." Why should the truth get in the way? It hasn't stopped Christine O'Donnell.