(Not) Flying While Muslim

The Irfan family was removed from an Airtran flight heading to Orlando, Florida on Thursday. Why?

A. Airtran thought they looked more like train people;
B. They are Muslim;
C. Airtran thought the family could use some more exercise.

We all know the answer. We live in a time where many people would prefer to fly with snakes on their plane than with Muslims.

The question is whether Airtran acted reasonably. Lets take a quick look at the facts:

According to news reports, the Irfan family -- 8 people which included 3 children and in laws -- were boarding a flight in Washington DC bound for Orlando, Florida. I'm sure most of you were immediately suspicious when I mentioned they were headed to Orlando -- a known hot bed of US domestic terrorism. I don't know who Goofy thinks he is fooling -- but if he/she/it isn't Al Qaeda, my terrorist-adar is really broken.

In defense of Airtran -- they were told that one of the female family members was discussing which seat is safer -- the one near the wing or the engine. Clearly, an Al Qaeda operative planning on blowing up a plane would ask about which seat is safer to ensure that for the 30 or 40 minutes they are on the plane before they blow it up, they are safe. That one goes to Airtran.

Mr. Irfan asserts in his family's defense that no one in his party used words like "bomb," "explosion," or "terror." Well, this point doesn't help either side because in what context would a terrorist use those words while boarding a flight: "Will my bomb fit in the overhead compartment?" or "I hope I get my peanuts and soda before the explosion."

The Irfan family did commend the FBI agents who questioned them for being professional and for clearing them of any wrongdoing. But despite that, Airtran still won't let the family fly on their airline. Perhaps its because the flights are so packed during the current recession that they don't have seats available -- we will have to wait see on that one.

You will have to decide of Airtran acted reasonably based on these facts, but as an Arab-American comedian who flies a great deal for work, I want to offer my experience to other brown people in the hopes it helps you get on your flight. (One quick point -- if you are really an Al Qaeda operative reading this blog, please stop reading now because this isn't intended for you.)

Now, for the rest of us who aren't Al Qaeda -- and I promise that at least a few of us aren't -- here is my advice:

When going to the airport, no shirts with Arabic writing nor Arab scarves that are very fashionable and worn by so many young, hip people today. Those scarves may be cool for white people, but if we wear them at the airport, it means one thing: Orange alert.

So what should you wear? Remember this saying: "Dress white, make your flight. Dress Brown, never leave town." What does "dress white" mean? Two words: Banana Republic -- khaki pants and polo shirt with a little animal on it -- like a tiger, a horse or an alligator -- but not a camel -- I repeat, not a camel!

Also if you have a Middle Eastern accent and are answering questions by security, I'd recommend throwing in words from other languages so they have no idea where you are from. For example, if they ask where you are going, you respond: "Where are am I going, mon cheri? To see my Mamma Mia and have a fajita -- mazel tov!"

If you follow these simple rules -- in no time at all you should be reclining in your seat, enjoying your $2 water and your $8 snack pack as you and your luggage you paid an extra $15 to bring with you makes its way to your destination.

So back to the question: Did Airtran violate any rules or regulations -- Did they violate the Irfans' civil rights? I'm not sure, but all I can say to the Irfan family -- especially Mr. Irfan, who is a lawyer and says he is a proud American -- is that nothing says "I'm a real American" like a big fat lawsuit.

Comments

[RobinSeattle]

I challenged Jim Zogby on this point a while back and got no answer, so I will pass it on to the above author:

Specifically, what are Muslims in America doing to help our efforts against terrorists and other enemies? Yeah, I know about the Muslim soldier who was killed fighting for us in Iraq and I am grateful for his service. But are there other examples? If there is widespread cooperation by the Muslim community in our fight against our enemies then Muslims have done a very poor job getting that word out.

So give us some information here and perhaps eliminate some ignorance on the part of the American public.

[SteveDenver]

Most domestic terror plots have been carried out by Anglo men: Ted Kaczynski (Unibomber), Timothy McVeigh (Oklahoma City bomber), Eric Rudolph (U.S. Olympic bomber and abortion clinic bomber), need I go on and on and on? I'm warier of Christian white guys than Middle Easterners.

Imagine if this had been an Anglo family, booted off a plane by dark-skinned employees. The airline would already be grounded, employees ejected, etc.

[Whinger]

The paranoia of aeronautical segregation, what will be will be, place your trust in security checks!

[dadw5boys]

HEART DISEASE KILLS 262,000 TIMES MORE PEOPLE EACH YEAR THAN TERRORIST.

THE WAR ON TERROR IS ONLY A WAY TO SPEND MONEY !

[zizyphus]

That is right, plus, they created a new racket- the TSA. The TSA employees are not screened on their way out of the building after work, leading to a booming business in ripping off selected contents of people's luggage. They get to go through your bags, pick out items they like and hide them until time to go home.

[RobinSeattle]

You forgot the Department of Homeland Security, which is, as it turns out, an organizational mess and therefore has not been able to do what it has been assigned, coordinating more efficiently our ability to thwart attacks against U.S. residents here at home.

It is just another Bush white elephant and an oppression palace to boot since it has also helped to erode our privacy rights. So it should be shutdown and NOW.

[chedet]

There are millions of muslims who are not arabs or south asians. Some come from china and some from countries like malaysia and indonesia. Most of them you can't even tell if they are muslims or not. Once there's this one muslim lady who wears a headscarf but since she looks chinese people thought she suffered from chemotheraphy instead of wearing it for religious purposes. It's harder for arab or south asian muslims to enter this country then their fellow muslims, say from Malaysia. The point I'm trying to say is that whenever people see a middle-eastern fellow they automatically think he/she must be a muslim but they forget that he/she could also be a jew or a christian. As for muslims they are not exclusively from the arab or south-asian race but can also be from other races.

[hortonhearsawho2]

It is wrong Period...

[SharonWantsToTalk]

BTW.. does anyone know where the safest place is?

[hortonhearsawho2]

reading to elem. school students wasn't it ?

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

In the rear of the plane.

[BearsLeft]

Any seat on an airliner is safer than any seat in a car on a highway.

[Angelaaaa]

Generally, the safest place is in the rear of the airplane, in an emergency exit row (or nearest an exit), not over the wing, and not next to an engine. But let's face it, if the damned thing explodes at 40,000 ft - you'll end up sitting everywhere over a fairly large radius.

Joke of the Day from my Iranian friend - What's the difference between Iraq and Iran? We are the ones WITH weapons of mass destruction.

[MShemel]

Strangely, as a middle eastern Jew, I relate. I don't have an accent, or a complicated name, but unless I'm with one of my lighter skinned friends, I get all the same suspicious glances, especially with a 5:00 shadow on my face.

[chedet]

I have a jewish friend who gets "frowned" upon everytime he goes on an airplane. Difficult time to be a middle-easterner. Can't really discuss anything without people looking at us suspiciously so I guess I can't understand how you feel.

[LillianB]

I don't find that strange (that you relate). Everyone having experienced being judged for their looks can relate. And everyone whose compassion allows them to relate to others without having experienced whatever others have experienced, too. But I am glad you're sharing, because it shows yet again how superfluous it is for people to have prejudices according to the (presumed racial/religious) appearance of others. One can't see who's criminally inclined and who's not. And until people realize, they will discriminate based on the looks of others.

[RobinSeattle]

And don't the Sephardim have a rougher go of it in Israel than the Ashkenazim in terms of discrimination and profiling?

[riff4u]

If you are on a plane that is going to be blown up.......you will never see it coming. It won't be the lady wearing the headscarf, or the guy reading the Koran, or the two Egyptian medical students. After we have purged the plane of these people.............in hind sight they will thank us for saving their lives. The bomber will be the clean shaven white American looking guy wearing a business suit, or the bleached blonde wearing a tight pair of jeans and a halter top.

[outsidein]

or you'll just be part of the obvious statistic that says you had a better chance of dying in the car to your flight than on the flight itself. relax, nobody's out to get you.

[riff4u]

I agree nobody is out to get me. Unfortunately the masses have been brainwashed by the Sean Hannitys, Michael Savages and Ann Coulters of the world, as well as the Bush Administration, that we must be afraid all the time. It was this that led to that Muslim family from being kicked off the plane. It was just like that disheaveled nut job woman who came up to John McCain complaining that Obama is an Arab. And being an Arab in the minds of such people is a really really bad thing. My post was done tongue in cheek.

[seadickrun]

You don't watch enough movies - clean shaven white Americans prefer biological weapons, not bombs.

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

And they're usually stationed at Fort Meade.

[Unitynow8]

What about the person who cried "wolf" to the airline security about them? is there any consequence for that person?

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Georgie is giving them the Medal Of Freedom next week.

[Chaimirija]

springsm has a great point

get to know a Muslim!

I am here to tell you, this we all hate the Jews is nonSense!

[Chaimirija]

"Clearly, an Al Qaeda operative planning on blowing up a plane would ask about which seat is safer to ensure that for the 30 or 40 minutes they are on the plane before they blow it up, they are safe. "

basically, that is the first thing I thought lol

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Put a U.S. flag pin on your lapel - no one would dare question your patriotism then. A Palin 2012 button couldn't hurt either.

[Dukedraven]

As an African-American, I'm more annoyed by daily slights than airport security procedures. It really bugs me when people activate their car alarms when I'm walking through parking lots--as if I'm a common petty car thief. I don't like to be considered a terrorist, but at least that's a step up in some twisted way. On my last trip through the airport, I was temporarily using a wheelchair, so for the first time I got some sympathy and love.

[Chaimirija]

dude you are paranoid

[alphabet99]

how would you know?

[typhoon1999]

The question of the safest place on a plane has been dealt with in books and survival shows on TV. I've had the conversation in the past. The only reason for the ruckus is their Muslim appearance. So sad what's happened to this country.

[SharonWantsToTalk]

My kids and I have it every time we fly. And I always assure them its the seats that we have.

[KHAAANNN]

D.C. bound for Orlando?
Wow, I guess we all know what flight Bill Kristol was on then eh?