November 9 is a big day for comedians-that is the day George W. Bush's new book comes out. Yep, George Bush "wrote" a book. (Pause for laugh.) And the book is 512 pages long. (Pause for bigger laugh.)
You see how easy those jokes were-it reminds me of the good ole days when George Bush would provide us comedians with material on almost a daily basis. To comedians across the country, George Bush wasn't just the President of the United States, he was "comedy gold." Little did I realize when Bush left office, how hard it would be to write jokes about President Obama after all that Bush had given us.
Okay, back to Bush's book - it's entitled Decision Points and it really is 512 pages. I'm sure many are asking: How could the George Bush we knew who so famously struggled with speaking English, write a book that long? Here are my predictions on how he filled 512 pages:
1. Font Size: 96. That size font easily lets you fill a page with just a few words.
2. Blank pages so you can doodle: I'm sure Bush loved to doodle while reading. (I can imagine Bush exclaiming: "I'm a doodler!") These blank pages will let you doodle things that Bush would have likely drawn while reading a book, such as drawing a turkey by using your hand, the Texas Rangers' logo, Dick Cheney's head and other fun stuff. That's about 100 pages right there.
3. Favorite recipes: Bush will share recipes for his favorite foods like how to make a quesadilla, popcorn or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Making PBJ sandwiches are not as easy as they look as Bush will show us over 10 to 20 pages of his book.
4. Another 100 pages of Sudoku, word jumbles and connect the dots so you can fill the work day the same way Bush did on many days. The connect dots section will even draw things that Bush liked, such as Weapons of Mass Destruction - this can turn into a selling point for the book as Bush can exclaim: "I finally found the WMDs and so can you-They're on page 327 of my new book!"
5. Decision Points: Bush will complete the book by sharing with us some of the key decisions he made during his life such as: What nickname to give to Vladimir Putin? (Final decision: "Pootie Poot" - that's true); How to eat a pretzel and watch a football game on TV at same time? (Final decision: Don't do both together or could lead to choking- true again.)
The biggest question to me though is: Who is going to read this book to Bush. Okay, that was a cheap/easy shot, but it was a little funny.
Writing this blog almost made me miss George Bush. Now us comedians are saddled with an intelligent, thoughtful president who isn't prone to funny gaffes. As an American, I'm happier about that, as a comedian, I'm selfishly longing for the days of "Bushy."