THE BLOG
11/03/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Surrender, Sarah!

Girl, you had me at the wink.

As soon as ya looked right at me and gave me that cute little wink and nod and that big winner smile, I knew that the Republicans were right after all--this election should not be about issues. Issues are boring and elitist. It should be about personality.

I heard one commentator call what Biden did "a litany of numbers," but that you were "folksy" You go, girl!

On a local news broadcast in conservative Abilene, Texas, a camera crew for the CBS affiliate, KTAB, hung out with some kids at the ultra-conservative Abilene Christian University, a Church of Christ-sponsored school, and asked them what they thought. One girl complained that Biden was "just a bunch of statistics," but that with Palin, "It's like, it wasn't HER standing up there. It was one of US."

And I thought, you know, that is so true. I think me or any of my girlfriends or any of my guy buddies--we could be vice-president! When we sit around drinkin' beer and talkin', we know as much as you do, Sarah! Because you are one of US.

I love what Roland Merullo said in his op-ed for the Boston Globe, "How Not to Vote for a President":

"IN THE MIDST of this remarkable campaign for the presidency, it continues to amaze me that some people still want to talk about issues. By now, all but the most naive first-time voter must realize that what's important is not where the candidates stand on healthcare or job creation, but whether or not they would be fun to have a beer with. I mean, do you really think Al Gore or John Kerry would have made a better president than the affable fellow we have in there now? Would you seriously want to have Gore over to your house for dinner and Monday night football? Are you really saying you'd want to sit down in front of 'American Idol' with JK instead of GWB?

"You would think, listening to these types, that the country was in some kind of trouble.

"We are clearly winning the war, which proves it was a smart and just war to begin with. Pretty much everyone I know still goes on vacation every summer, still drives a nice car, still manages to put some money away for their later years. Crime is pretty low. Gas is cheaper than it was recently. It was so cold at one of my country houses the other night that the idea of global warming has become pretty hard to swallow."

As Craig Ferguson likes to say on late-night TV, "I KNOOOOW!"

Merullo says all those people who get all bent out of shape on stuff like the regular, normal pattern of weather changes and call it "climate change crises" or think that the war in Iraq has gone on too long blah blah blah--he calls them "issuists." He says, they're just all so NEGATIVE.

Oh, that is soooo true. I heard Diane Sawyer say it just this morning, when George Stephanopolous pointed out that Biden kept tying you and John McCain to George Bush--she pointed out how cute you were when you gave another bright little smile and wink and said, "Say it ain't so Joe! There ya go again, lookin' backward!"--Sawyer said that you were so UPBEAT all the time.

Goin' on and on about the country's so-called PROBLEMS is so DEPRESSING, don'tcha think?

Here's what Merullo said aboutcha in his op-ed:

"Issueists complain that looks shouldn't matter. I beg to differ. After a few years I get sick of even the politicians I like, so tell me it isn't important for them to look hot when you have to see them on TV month after month for most of a decade? Palin might not be the most experienced pol I ever heard about, but she's got personality. Verve. She hunts, for Pete's sake. Plus she has five kids. Why would anyone need more than that from the person who is a heartbeat away? Guys, tell me you wouldn't want to sit down with her over a cold one and talk about rifle barrels or snowmobiles or the move that left-winger made before he hit the post. And ladies, admit it, your heart beats a little faster seeing one of your own up there on the biggest stage in the world. You're telling me you were happy with Hillary, the brainy law school grad, but not with SP, Queen of the North? Sorry, not buying."

I KNOOOOW! Did you get that funny e-mail, the one that warns you not to open it if it has a subject title, "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin," because it contains a virus, and not to open it if it has a subject title, "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton," because it might actually BE nude pictures of Hillary Clinton?

HA! HA! HA!

Who wants some gal up there who dresses in pantsuits and sensible shoes and is, like, all wonky on policy and ISSUES, when we can have a hot chick in short skirts and spike heels flirtin' with us on-camera?

C'MON, people! LIGHTEN UP!

Garrison Keillor, the folk comedian and radio performer from Minnesota, in all his wisdom, wrote an op-ed called, "It's Just Like High School," for TampaBay.com:

"I must say, it was fun having the Republicans in St. Paul and to see it all up close and firsthand. Security was, as one might expect, thin-lipped and gimlet-eyed, but once you got through it, you found the folks you went to high school with -- farm kids, jocks, the townies who ran the student council, the cheerleaders, some of the bullies -- and they are as cohesive now as they were back then, dedicated to school spirit, intolerant of outsiders, able to jump up and down and holler for something they don't actually believe. But oh, Lord, what they brought forth this year. When you check the actuarial tables on a 72-year-old guy who's had three bouts with cancer, you guess you may be looking at the first woman president, a hustling evangelical with ethics issues and a chip on her shoulder who, not counting Canada, has set foot outside the country once -- a trip to Germany, Iraq and Kuwait in 2007 to visit Alaskans in the armed service. And who listed a refueling stop in Ireland as a fourth country visited. She's like the Current Occupant but with big hair."

Gosh darn it, is that funny or WHAT?

Because I, like, totally get it. You are the POPULAR GIRL; the cheerleader who goes with the football quarterback (or I should say, hockey goalie) all through high school. The homecoming queen, the Valentine's sweetheart, the local beauty queen contestant who actually WINS Miss Congeniality.

Even John McCain pointed out your qualifications in his debate with Barack Obama, when he said that you had been "a PTA president."

So, yeah. You got my vote, girlfriend...wait...I'm gettin' a text-message from my daughter...hang on...hmmm...

Is this true, Sarah?

My daughter says you are actually running for vice-president OF THE UNITED STATES.

I thought it was like, vice-president of the Chamber of Commerce or somethin'.

Never mind, then.

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