(The author does his best Paul Ryan)
By Eric Sullivan, GQ
This story originally appeared on GQ.com: The Path to (Muscular) Prosperity: 10 Feats of Strength Paul Ryan Can Do That You Cannot
My 90 days of P90X pain continues. I'm perpetually hungry, tired, and pissed off, but my silhouette looks great! Without further ado, here are ten absolutely true* physical tour de forces that Paul Ryan can accomplish without a second thought, but that would make you cry for your mother.
10. Bench press the largest cheese wheels in Wisconsin.
9. Carve the Grand Canyon simply by dragging his Fed-chopping axe on the ground behind him.
8. Destroy an entire army with the jawbone of a donkey, slay a nine-headed hydra with his bare hands, and cut social services to millions in need, only to have his supernatural power stripped away by a strumpet with haircutting shears.
7. Shrug the weight of the world off his shoulders, squashing liberals and the disadvantaged and making Ayn Rand proud.
6. Fly around the Earth quickly enough to go back in time to save a damsel (Lois) in distress (crushed to death in her car).
5. "Well, the man who invented the steam drill/Thought he was mighty fine/But Paul Ryan drove about fifteen feet/And the steam drill only made nine, Lord, Lord/The steam drill only made nine" -- "The Ballad of Paul Ryan," Traditional
4. Carry a hammer so heavy that only he can lift it. A pesky adoptive brother named Loki is rumored to meddle in Ryan's Congressional backslapping (sounds like business-as-usual D.C. cronyism to us).
3. Dominate the Trojans, prompting Homer to write a looooong poem about it. Protect that heel, Mr. Ryan!
2. Earn the nickname "King of the Mild Frontier. "
1. Achieve a perfect Pac Man score. Just 'cause.
*By true, we mean not true. At all.