Death And Dying: Nature Is Selfish, Get Over It
I have always thought when people passed away that the ones left behind cried for the fact they would not have the person they loved in their lives any longer. The truth is we cry for not having that person but we also cry for all they will never get to do and to experience; new presidents, newborns, love, restaurants, films, political and social changes etc.
I once read that nature is selfish -- a powerful but truthful statement. Nature doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. No matter what is happening in our lives people still rush to work, fight wars, make love, waste time and the world goes through tsunamis, global warming, sunsets and sunrises.
It is so brutally shocking when our lives are falling apart and the rest of the world does not seem to notice. The first time I really experienced this was when my husband was lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life and I went for a walk around the hospital. I needed air and sunlight after spending three days locked up in his room without leaving.
As my body walked my mind was still tied back to what was happening in that hospital room, but all the people walking by me didn’t seem to notice or care. They laughed and carried on like nothing was happening. I wanted to stop and tell them “Don’t you know what’s happening? My husband is fighting for his life. How can you just carry on? ” But of course I couldn’t do that. The truth is that everyone has their drama, small and big, at different times in their lives and nature doesn’t care and it doesn’t stop. But that is how life is; it has its own force.
It is so important to live life for what we think is important and brings us the greatest amount of happiness and satisfaction and not fall victim of any type of fictional or social interpretation of what life should be or look like.
Life is what it is and it’s to be lived to the fullest at every moment because things can change on a dime. This is by no means a gloom and doom statement. It is actually beautiful and powerful and it can be simple to live by making every day count and being in the moment. If the moment is talking to a friend, then let’s dedicate the time to the friend. Let’s not think about what we need to do after we leave our friend. Let’s be in the moment. If the moment is making love, let’s not think about what happened before and what will happen after. Let’s be in the moment and try to let our body and mind experience every feeling and sensation.
We are so often in a hurry that we miss out on fully experiencing what happens to us until something tragic happens and we realize that we have rushed through too much and now have much to regret.
So while nature is selfish and life will continue on no matter what happens to each one of us, we can make our own lives count by dedicating our journey to ourselves. Our best friend lives within us, and it is actually ourselves. We are the only ones who will never leave and will always hear our thoughts and feelings and know everything that there is to know about US. So why not give our best friend the best life possible by letting ourselves truly experience life by being in the moment? Think about it.
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Grief - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement
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I remember a story.
A woman brought her dead baby to the Buddha and said: " I hear you have miraculous powers will you bring my baby back?"
The Buddha said" Yes, but first you must bring me a mustard seed from the first house you come to that has not experienced suffering."
The woman went from house to house and heard one tale of woe after another.
Afterward, she returned to the Buddha and a said that she did not find one single home to be without suffering and realized the universality of suffering.
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Good mustard story. Thank you.
I had come to the same realization as a teenager when I lost my grandmother (with whom I shared the most exquisite symbiotic relationship as both being the cared for and the one doing the caring), and the insight was there to buffer my greatest lost - my mother who died of stomach cancer a few years ago. However, I never expected the world to stop and mourn with me - or even care. I am fortunate to have been brought up to not have an ego-centric perspective of life. But I realized the sorrow and tears were for myself - it was my loss that I grieve. The two I love more deeply then I love myself are no longer vulnerable to the fickleness and pain is a part of this world. It is easier for me to get over unbearable loss knowing it is a selfish pity that I mourn - and the world just keeps on spinning.
This is the best article i have read in my life. Yes i mean it. Simple but powerful and it is the reality.
I always thought one should live in reality rather than living in the assumptions made up of our civilization.
Living in reality is knowing ourself precisely. When i started knowing(exploring) myself i realised that there is a hidden selfish motive behind everything i do. And i realised that i love myself more than anything else. Whatever we do(actions, feelings etc.,) is only for the happiness and satisfaction that we get by doing them. The more happiness and satisfaction it gives us the more we do it. We love someone because it gives us the most happiness and satisfaction. There is certain limit to everything and we cant push it beyond that because it hurts its self. Everything in this creation is selfish.
Deborah thanks for giving us this masterpiece.
Deborah, this was so inspiring. It is too easy to waste quality time in this all too short life we're given when we mistakenly let ourselves fall into the life that others, outwardly or suggestively, tell us that we should be living. When you and slimcat were in a lonely place, at the time your loved ones were so ill, you realized no one else could completely understand what you were going through. Still, I wager it's a time you will never regret despite the feeling of isolation because you were living in the moment and you understood what your own heart required of you. You saw them through, as hard as that was to do for you and for them. A lesson was learned about Nature and how she stops for no one. Blessings to you and all who step out of the chaos of everyday living to exist, for a period of time, just for the ones they've loved most when they are terminally ill. NickDearth, I am so sorry and my heart is with you. ezwalker, condolences to you as well.
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Thanks Jude. I got an email today that said: "My father was a very popular man. There were 7 people at his funeral."
For ten months I completely devoted myself to my wife's care as she fought a very aggressive cancer, from the first diagnosis to her last breath as I told her for the ten-thousandth time that last March day that I loved her so much.
We had been together thirty-eight years, retired in '98, had a ten year retirement destination delay to help our daughter and finally arrived on the east coast near her family (a promise I made her) and the beaches of South Carolina when we learned of her illness.
Do I feel angry, cheated? Yes, but only at the odds, like you might feel at the craps table in Vegas, except many magnitudes greater. I am also very tired of being told by family, friends and complete strangers what it is I need to do. It has been a little over seven months and has gotten easier and I know things will improve but it will be on my terms.
So, here I sit , a few months from my 65th wondering what the hell is next. Oh, I do all the necessary stuff like cooking and cleaning, tending the yard, shopping, painting rooms and financial crap, but, what else? I also run, now with a vengeance and have increased my mileage from the last couple of years. It is somewhat soothing to temporarily burn out the emptiness I still feel. Sometimes four, sometimes ten miles, I beat out the rhythm of my remaining life.
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Grief is very personal and there is no right and wrong. It is what it is. I had one bad relationship after another and then I met my husband. We were so happy that we would often say to each other that we didn't know people could actually be that happy. That period lasted 2 1/2 years and then he got sick. We battled for his life for 2 1/2 more and then he died. When he first passed I couldn't believe that after having found each other it was all over. I kept asking why. I don't anymore. It is what it is. I still cry for him. I still miss him and mostly I'm so sorry for all the pain he endured. I do know he would want me to live and I do want to live. So I concentrate in today. Not on what my life will look like tomorrow and not what it was but on what it is. Be well.
My wife was an extremely skilled gatherer of information of any type and used this ability in her work as a paralegal researching pharmaceuticals for her firm. Sad and ironic that many of the drugs she researched she ended up having to take. She was a voracious reader who devoured books of eclectic genres. She also loved for me to recite poetry for her and her favorite those last months was Invictus by William Henley. It still flows through my mind with those memories and the last two lines reflect where I now stand:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Thank you Deborah.
I lost my dad and dear grandmother within a year of each other. My mom died in '96. Everyone is gone and it's so lonely. Sometimes I think I'm doing better, but inevitably something sets me off again. What is killing me is the guilt. I feel so guilty that I couldn't do more for my grandmother. She died violently at the hand of her second husband and his greedy family...they made sure she didn't have a choice in her rehabilitation and just let her die. Because she remarried, her blood relatives had no say when it came time to decide to take her off life support. It wouldn't have been difficult if she wasn't so aware at the time of her death. She wasn't in a coma or anything, and she said that she wasn't ready, but they didn't care and took her off the respirator. I can understand why people have so much trouble with PTSD - any situation where you have to watch somebody die under anything but peaceful circumstances can really cause deep emotional wounds. I know nature is a mean bitch...my only hope is that karma will abide by the same principles as nature...
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I'm saying this with all due respect but let the guilt go. Guilt serves no purpose. Let the past be what it is the past. There is nothing to be gained by thinking of things that can not be changed. Let go and live the best you can for however long you life is. I'm sure that your grandmother would like that to be the case.
My wife passed away on October 19th, just a few weeks ago. She was 29 and in pristine health. We still don't know what caused her death. Thanks for writing this. I might as well have written it myself. It is so hard to realize that life will not relent or even slow down. Those who have offered their support continue on, laughing and living as before, while I am stuck in a terrible place. At first there was resentment and I felt as you did, compelled to scream at them for not stopping their lives. But I quickly let go of those emotions and the anger as I realized things do go on and it is in that I found some semblance of comfort. Someday life will be good again and I will be able to live in the moment, enjoying the small things. I'm not there yet, nor will I be there for quite some time, but I know there is hope and life will go on.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Hi NIck,
So sorry for your loss. It must be terrible to lose someone all of a sudden. But the good and the bad news is as you now know is that life does go on. You are now in the strangest of all phases of losing someone; which is trying to make sense while living in a fog. It takes tremendous courage to go through grief but that we must do. We'll always have wounds but we live. I'm sending you a big hug and thank you for stopping for me and now I am stopping for you.
Thanks, Deborah. It's funny that you describe it as being in a fog, because that's exactly how I described for those who cannot imagine how I feel. I told them I was just in a fog, baby-stepping my way forward, no idea if I was going in the right direction or what lay around the corner. Maybe a smile. Maybe another two hours of tears. I just had to keep moving, though.
As you say, we do truly all grieve in our own way. I quickly learned to stop worrying about if I was doing it right, or how my actions would appear to others. I exerted too much energy worrying about how others thought I should be acting. Focusing on myself, allowing my emotions to overwhelm me and run their course and just doing what felt natural has been very helprful. I have a very long road ahead, but it is one I know I can travel. You are also right that guilt is a wasted emotion. I had (and still have) tremendous guilt for a number of reasons, but I am learning to let go and forgive myself. It's what my wife would have wanted, not only for my sake but for our 18 month old daughter's well being. After all I can't take care of her if I don't take care of myself. Thanks again.
Thank you Deborah, well written and so true!
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