The Power of Community

A quarter century ago, Helen Reddy branded the women's movement with her anthem "I Am Woman." What it both reflected and provoked, however, was the more powerful truth that "I Am Women." If we've learned anything in the past 25 years -- and it's appropriate to consider such lessons in light of this unprecedented time in the history of presidential elections and as we celebrate Women's History Month -- it's that no woman stands alone. Rather, she stands on the shoulders of her unique and diverse community -- the family, friends, caregivers, coaches, playdate partners, and personal assistants who make her busy life possible.

Supermom resigned under pressure a long time ago. In between "bringing home the bacon," "frying it up in a pan," and "never, ever, letting her husband forget he's a man," she fell asleep during her daughter's dance recital and lost a major client. She discovered that the secret to success was admitting her own limitations and leaning on others. Winning wives, mothers, executives, and artists rely on a carefully constructed support system, never more so than now in our always-on, overprogrammed lives.

I am strong. I am invincible. I am women. I am Debi, the busy executive, but I am also Eileen the dogwalker and Sherri the landscaper and Paula, the stay-at-home mom who drives my son to and from lacrosse practice. I am my neighbor Evelyn who signs for deliveries and my accountant Lucille, who pays my bills, and Tina, my nanny who helps my daughter make a paper mache volcano for the Science Fair. I am my travel agent, local takeout place, yoga instructor, and piano teacher. I am not alone.

And, thanks to the Internet, my community is no longer restricted to my neighborhood. I'm no longer walking down the street in Levittown to borrow a cup of sugar. I'm conferring with a counterpart in Calcutta with whom I share a job. And I'm consulting one of the thousand-plus message boards on iVillage to understand my son's diabetes or console another military wife whose husband is overseas. I'm finding the Ethel to my Lucy several time zones away.

Seventeen million individuals each month visit iVillage to connect with their community to share a mutual passion, take an online course, research a health concern... or, simply, vent. iVillage offers both the intimacy of being in a community where your thoughts and experiences resonate... and the anonymity of being online with people around the world who are looking to confide, not judge.

Just last year, thousands of women from Washington, D.C. to Washington state bade farewell to their fat pants as they collectively lost more than half a million pounds in six weeks during our community challenge. Last month, iVillage joined with the AARP to host an unprecedented "How She Will Decide" forum, at which hundreds of diverse, engaged women identified financial security as their top issue in the presidential election. And every day on our message boards, the "Military Wives" and "Trying to Conceive Grads" and "Suburbanistas" confer on their favorite subjects.

The power of community is as diverse as the women in it. It offers personal support, professional guidance, and social networking. It is Little Women meets Mary Tyler Moore meets The View. It is women sustaining each other and succeeding together.

And I know this from personal experience. As a mother of a child with Type I juvenile diabetes, I have leveraged the power of online communities to gain information, secure resources, and build new relationships and hope. I've been able to share the trials, fears, and lessons I and my family have experienced along the way. And that has made all the difference.

Supermom is no more. What has taken her place is the Momtourage -- that village of teachers, nannies, friends, neighbors and caretakers who support and enrich each mother's life. It's time to salute the power of our individual communities in helping us raise secure, creative, and aware kids. I am women. Hear me roar.

Deborah I. Fine is President of iVillage Properties, a division of NBC Universal, and the first and largest community of women online.

Comments

[Ajita]

This is a great article. I think unknowingly you have touched on something cultural anthropologists have been talking about for a long time. I enjoyed your inclusion of internet as the technology that is imperative to this social transformation.

The issue of net neutrality is of immense importance here. Net neutrality allows increased social networking by guaranteeing equal speech rights. This one of the main reasons I'm supporting Obama over Hillary.

[Chrisallalone]

Oh, great, now I'm all riled up. Not that I don't agree about the power of the Internet to connect us with people who understand our issues, even across thousands of miles. Props for that.

But I would think that, through contact with iVillage, you would have noticed that plenty of us are struggling by without the ad hoc staff that lets you lead such a wonderful life. I have two smart, beautiful daughters diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. I have no job because they need me more. When my older daughter was young, I tried to arrange part-time daycare so I could freelance, but even that didn't work out. Now that they're older, I manage a few hours a week, no more, for art or writing. We rarely have even had a sitter so we could have dinner alone. I have trouble talking to my neighbors about the everyday things that bring people together, because you can see in their eyes that they're scared of the notion that their kids could possibly have anything in common with mine.

By my count, you have at least 10 people to handle your life so you don't have to. My staff? Well, over the years it has included Chris the nanny; Chris the Asperger's consultant; Chris the psychotherapist; Chris the educational advocate; Chris the tutor; Chris the transportation provider who gets my kids to therapeutic services; Chris the occupational and speech therapy assistant; and oh yeah, Chris who cooks and does the laundry and gets everyone out the door in the morning and all that stuff regular people do with their kids. And my husband, who does what he can when he's here. That's it.

So celebrate the Internet all you want. It's great for information and support. But don't tell me that you "know from personal experience" that we all have wonderful supportive Momtourages getting us through our busy lives. You may be women, hear you roar, but I assure you some of us are just trying to keep from screaming.

[clr2]

How about raising your own children? Why did you have them to begin with?

[jeskiley]

I remember iVillage, it was the first virtual community I waded my way through, as I decided exactly which kind of mother I'd be. It allowed me to investigate all the reasons moms make the choices they do (cloth diapering, immunizations, homeschooling, homemade babyfood, etc.) and test the integrity of each system.

I was awed by the possibilities of thousands of women connecting to exchange the private details of their lives, a privilege not often granted in ordinary friendships. So many different points of view existing in one place required humility and respect. I met my first bullies there, dominating particular message boards. I learned enough about social dynamics to master any IRL social situation.

I wanted to shout iVillage from the rooftops, it was such an incredible tool for growth and connection. But it kept growing, and growing, and growing and it didn't seem to have the personal feel I'd envisioned it to have. That's okay, it forced me to leave the comfort of virtual reality and see what kinds of communities I could build in my own life.

I'm sure many women have walked a similar process. In fact, I was just telling a friend today, how I sorted out all my doubts about motherhood online, it was efficient and virtually painless. So thank you iVillage, for giving me my first taste of society, for supporting women in community, and for giving me the encouraging me with the vision that connecting with others is what makes all things possible.

[jfromga]

and who are the support personnel in the momtourage for the woman working at the take out place for minimum wage, or as an entry level clerical worker/rec­eptionist, etc? There's a reason a significant number of children live in poverty. There are significant numbers of moms who face leaving their job and maybe being terminated if their kid is sick and can't stay in day care. Not everybody has an executive position, salary and lifestyle. Choose between a laptop/internet service and your child's health care and you might see that there are still supermom's out there. But nobody gives them the luxury of surfing the net.

[knottygrrl]

And...not one mention of Dad in the whole article. Sheesh.

[jeskiley]

That's true, my husband and his entourage are half of the equation. Good point!