As Goes California...

The weddings start this week in California as gay marriage becomes legal. West Hollywood is thrilled; Bakersfield is not. While others cities and towns across California are preparing to boost their economies through wedding services for same-sex couples, Kern County Clerk Ann Barnett decided to stop performing all weddings after unsuccessfully trying to resign her position.

What in the world are people so afraid of when it comes to gay marriage? Oh, I know the arguments: marriage is between one man and one woman (tell that to the FLDS); gay relationships are immoral (but we let convicted felons of all sorts -- even child molesters -- get married); marriage is for procreation (uh, what about childless couples).

Why would Americans want to deny a minority the same civil rights they enjoy? Just because the majority of people are heterosexual doesn't mean the gay minority is any less entitled or capable of sustaining a stable, long-term relationship.

My eyes were opened to the realities of human sexuality when I started to raise animals. I had a real menagerie, with horses, ducks, cattle, chickens, even llamas.

The first llama I acquired was a stud. I named him Valentino because all he thought about was sex. When he was delivered to our place, the women who sold him to me whispered in my ear before she left, "Don't let my husband know I told you, but to keep him happy, get him a bale of hay." When I wheeled that bale of hay into his pen, Valentino promptly went to town and mounted it. Llamas, for those of you don't know about them, take their sweet time with sex. There's no ejaculation, just a constant drip that takes 45 minutes to finish.

With unflagging enthusiasm, Valentino mounted his bale of hay every day. Pretty soon the neighbors were coming over for the show. I heard more than one wife say to her husband, "Look how long it takes him!"

We also had a gelding, named Cinnabar. Valentino was as interested in Cinnabar as in his bale of hay. I thought at first it was because Cinnabar was a gelding. Later, when we started breeding llamas, I found out the males were interested in anything that moved and we had to keep Valentino separated from his siblings and his daughters to prevent inbreeding.

All the animals were blissfully bisexual. Fascinated, I studied the matter and learned that sexuality for humans -- after all, we are part of the animal kingdom -- is a continuum, unique to each person based on the hormones they received from the Creator. It's most certainly an in-born orientation, not a choice.

So why are some of my fellow Americans opposed to gay marriage?

Fear. In this case, two separate fears.

The first is a deep cellular fear of losing power and control. Just like our animal friends, the superior male is concerned about any male further down the ladder that could challenge his position. In animals, the weaker male submits to the stronger one -- a horse backs away, a llama kneels. People are unconsciously afraid of being overpowered by another. It has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the fear of becoming subordinate. This unspoken fear of being dominated plays out in all our daily relationships, from the marital bed to the boardroom. People are projecting this fear incorrectly on the gay population, and then claiming they will somehow take down the institution of heterosexual marriage, leading to multiple wives and multiple lovers. In fact, the more marriages of committed partners, the more stability we have as a culture.

The second fear is related directly to sex. It seems like most men are scared to death of having a feeling of attraction for another man. And these are the same guys who light up at the thought of two women together!

But the truth is, rare is the man who hasn't experimented at some point in his life with a member of his own sex. When young teen boys gather in a circle jerk long before they have girlfriends, or when the team members pat a guy on his backside, and when an "accidental" touch happens and a body unwillingly responds, fear arises. Uh-oh, says the subconscious, I shouldn't be feeling anything. Could I be gay? Try talking to a guy about his unconscious feelings of sensuality for others of his gender, and he comes unglued. But skin is skin, whether it's on a man or woman. And bodies respond.

Personally, I think too much emphasis is put on the sexual aspect of homosexuality. Gay marriages are just like straight ones. The ones that are all about sex often don't even last a year. I've been married for over thirty years and know marriages that endure are real partnerships. As time progresses, you are left with the person, and if you are fortunate enough to find someone who loves you enough to share a life with you -- you're lucky!

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's fear. Since marriage is equated with love, those who are against gay marriage are fearful that it will jeopardize them personally in some way -- their family, their kids, their life. The fear is if we depart from what grandma taught us, or what we think the bible says, chaos will undoubtedly ensue. As far as I can see, there's no good reason to fear gay marriage. If your colleague at work, or your child, or your next door neighbor wants to sanctify his or her love for another of the same sex, encourage them.

With so many lonely people in the world taking pills for depression or eating themselves into obesity, I applaud those who have the guts and self-worth to make a choice for the sake of their personal happiness. Instead of judging others and forbidding them from forming a union of happiness, let's allow people to love each other and support each other. Life is hard enough; doing it alone is no fun.

As the weddings begin, let's pop open some bubbly and raise a toast to those gay and lesbian partnerships that are now eligible for all the delights -- and difficulties -- the rest of us having been dealing with all along. Congratulations and best wishes!

Comments

[plex]

Well Deborah .... Kudos. As someone that is about to get married, I really couldn't imagine not being able to marry the person that I love and want to form a partnership with for the long road. I have a very good friend that has been in a 20 year monogamous gay relationship that is getting married this weekend and I am so excited for them.

Many of my married straight friends have not had the same success with their relationships as the couple I just mentioned .... so I will keep my fingers crossed the rest of Country will follow California's lead.

[TopDog]

Separate the Church and State in this issue of marriage. Take all the marriages on the State's books and change them to Domestic Partnerships. Have the State for legal purposes, issue Domestic Partnership licenses to all who apply, heterosexual, homosexual, platonic, multiple partners, etc. Let the Churches marry people ca this is supposed to be covenant with God. No one is offended but it is time for this separation of Church and State to occur.

[theLeftPaw]

Excellent read, THANKS!

One of the statements that has never left me about this topic came from my father. He is somewhat conservative, and a hardcore dedicated Christian. I was somewhat taken aback when he said to me one day that people who say gay marriage threatens the sanctity of their own marriage, needed to "grow up" and that no such ridiculous idea could ever threaten his own marriage.
You're right Deborah, it's just FEAR.

The other thing that has never left me is that marriage is a government institution because it is certified by the government - therefore it is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to allow a specific group of people to get married, while denying or banning another from doing the same. Since there are rights that are given to those that acquire a marriage license from the government, ALL Americans should be entitled to those rights as the Constitution says all rights must be granted equally to all Americans.

[parvati]

If gay and lesbian couples can be any more successful at marriage than the rest of us, let them give it a try! I applaud all the couples who have been together in long relationships--whether gay or straight. It's not easy!

[Navalphysician]

Back in highschool during the '60s "gay" as a concept really didn't exist in our minds. There were boys who "fooled around" with other boys, and boys who didn't. Everyone knew who was who, and no one thought much about it one way or another.

[arkgrfx61]

I have to wonder...these people that are so afraid of gay marriage (blah, blah, blah - they say they aren't afraid, but it's just a sin -whatever THAT means) what do they think of people...movie stars, rock stars, etc who marry and divorce like it's just another day.
THEY are the ones that are ruining the "moral fiber" of marriage. I know many gay people who have been in strong, loving relationships for 20+ years...isn't THAT the kind of model we should be looking at?
Great article!

[Charlio]

When the Massachusetts State Supreme Court ruled to legalize gay marriage in 2003 Romney & his cronies tried everything to stop it but failed. Even after gay marriages were performed they tried to get an amendment on to the ballot until June 14th, 2007 when it was finally defeated in the State House. For those who are still uncomfortable with gay marriage check out our short produced to educate & defuse the controversy. It has a way of opening closed minds & provides some sanity on the issue: OUTTAKEonline.com

[coba]

i dont think this would make a big difference between the candidates since they have no difference. I don't think other states are going to follow california because other states are way more conservative.

We finally know whos behind the smears about obama
Candidates on equal pay.
McCain"s Clayton Williams problems
Bring It On GOP
Candidates on Social security
Its All About Taxes

http://sensico.wordpress.com/

[sky1phil]

Deborah King's has it right! What IS the big deal? Civil rights in this nation has always been a constantly evolving situation. Lest we forget, this was once a country where OWNING another human being was legal - in the form of slavery. This was a country that wouldn't allow 50% of its population the right to vote (after all, the BIBLE defined women as "chattel"). This was a country that once allowed states to criminalize the marriage between races until the Supreme Court stepped in finally by 1967 and made that illegal through out the 50 states.

Social change and expanding the rights of a minorities has rarely been left up the so called "will of the people." If the will of the people mandated that tomorrow would we have Jews wear the Star of David and blacks once again denied the right to vote, should that become law?

It was through the foresight of our nation's founders, that judicial branch of government was created, with the understanding that some times wisdom emanating from the bench could best serve the country.

Marriage of two loving couples, in the 21st center should be gender neutral, so that second class citizenship won't be the rule of the land.

And one day, when this change also comes on the national level, the gay community won't also be denied 1,138 federal rights now afforded ONLY to straight couples from "sea to shining sea."

And to this, let's say : AMEN!