Diane Schuler: Secret Alcoholic?

Diane Schuler had a few tokes and who knows how much booze on the last day of her life. She then drove the wrong way on a state highway, crashed headfirst into an SUV, and killed the three men in that vehicle, along with her three young nieces, her 2-year-old daughter, and herself. Her blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit. A broken bottle of Absolut vodka was found under the passenger seat in the wreckage of her car.

Was she an alcoholic? Very likely. You have to have a history of drinking to walk around, let alone drive, with that kind of blood alcohol level. In any case, she is now part of a growing statistic: drunk driving is rising among women while falling among men. The FBI says that, nationally, the number of women arrested for DUI was 28.8% higher in 2007 than it was in 1998, while it was 7.5% lower for men.

And women are the ones most often driving with kids in the car. As a spokesperson for MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) said: "It's the ultimate form of child abuse." And that drunk driver could be anyone. In a Chicago suburb, the daughter of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was sentenced to 18 months of court supervision after being pulled over by police for driving drunk; she had three kids in the car.

Alcohol. The great social lubricant. The two-martini client lunch, pina coladas at the family barbeque, the celebratory champagne toast, the college kegger, the cocktail party.

Alcoholism. Choosing friends because they drink. Sneaking another glass of wine when no one's looking. Finding excuses to drink. Drinking alone. Spiking coffee with vodka. Hiding bottles under the laundry. Waking up hung over.

I know it all -- the secret stashes, the coffee cup that no one questions, the quick pick-me-up(s) during the work day, the clients who would join me in a "little something" during a meeting, the pride when men would say, "Wow, you can drink me under the table."

Why can some people enjoy a daily glass of wine and never crave more than that, while others drink a bottle of wine a day and swear they're not alcoholics?

My folks didn't drink because my father had been an alcoholic who stopped drinking when I was four years old.

I started drinking when I was 15, when my roommate from boarding school invited me to spend a week in Las Vegas with her. Her mother's boyfriend took us out to dinner in a casino and ordered spiked Shirley Temples for us. In the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and asked the girl I saw there, "Who are you?" I liked her personality so much better than mine! If only I knew then who I was to become. Research shows that how people respond to their first drink indicates if they will be light drinkers or tend to abuse alcohol.

Then the boyfriend, a man in his 50s, said he wanted to buy me a present. He took me down the hall to the hotel jewelry store and asked me to pick out anything I wanted, grabbed me, gave me a deeply penetrating French kiss (shocking to a girl who'd barely been kissed before), and put his hand up my skirt. Alcohol and sex were immediately joined at the hip.

Back at home, I found out that my older brother and his friends would supply me with alcohol, so getting smashed occasionally was easy. I didn't really lose control of my drinking until I was a young attorney, sitting at lunch with co-counsel during a particularly stressful trial. He said, "You're a wreck, have a drink." Well, it worked like a charm! I told my therapist, "I've found the secret to life -- booze!"

Alcohol made everything so much fun, at least for a while. Like the time after skiing in Tahoe, enjoying half a bottle of schnapps while soaking in the hot tub (it was 10 degrees outside), then getting in my car and driving home -- buck naked.

The descent happened fast. Women have a lower body mass, so alcohol hits us harder and more quickly. Soon I wanted to drink at lunch as well as at night. Then I was pulled over by the police a number of times, and they wound up driving me home. Mostly, it was finding out the next day that I had done things the previous night that were really embarrassing -- blackouts weren't fun. Then there was the morning I called a client to review his settlement offer, and he said, "You did that last night." I was shocked that I had had an entire conversation with a client and didn't remember it.

Finally, my husband, from whom I was separated at the time (who had time to have a relationship AND drink?) said, "Do you think you could be an alcoholic?"

An alcoholic! I called AA at 11 o'clock that night, talked to a woman on the phone for an hour, spent two hours emptying every bottle in the house, even the cooking sherry, and went to my first AA meeting the next morning.

I've been clean and sober for over 25 years now, but I'm still an alcoholic. The siren song of addiction doesn't go away. On a grueling book tour over the last year, my normal, well-controlled lifestyle went out the window. After a few months on the road, I started to unravel. Despite the fact that I hadn't had any sugar to speak of since I quit drinking -- knowing, as I do, the connection between hypoglycemia and alcoholism -- I decided a little chocolate would help with my exhaustion.

At first it wasn't a problem. I'd just have a chocolate bar when I was at an airport, overlooking the fact that I was at airports every day. It's like the alcoholic who says, "I'm only going to drink wine, or drink only on weekends." Soon I found myself buying "one for now, one for the flight." Then I started hiding chocolate in the bathroom, and sneaking it in the middle of the night so my husband wouldn't know.

I was aware of what I was doing, knew all the signs, but hey, I deserved a little sweetness!

When I got home, I needed a new rationale. Okay, whenever I have lunch out, I can have a dessert. So I started finding excuses to go out for lunch. When I finally realized I had to stop, I binged at the Cheesecake Factory with a huge chocolate obscenity. I was sick for a week, and the sugar rush was over.

Addiction hadn't gone anywhere. Put enough stress on someone, and a dormant addiction will come back. It's only when you continue to abstain that you have no cravings.

It doesn't surprise me that Diane Schuler's husband claims he never saw her drunk. After all, he's the guy with a past DUI arrest of his own, a man who admits his wife smoked a few joints, so chances are he's not the best person to evaluate another's substance abuse. Plus, he has a desire to cover up whatever his wife's failings may have been in order to save his family's reputation (by the way, he needs to lose his attorney if he really wants to have any reputation).

If in fact she was an alcoholic -- and the bottle of vodka (an alcoholic's favorite drink as it's not detectable on the breath) speaks volumes -- it is quite possible he had no idea how much or how often she was drinking or using.

It's easy enough to keep the amount you drink a secret. Woman are good at hiding their drinking. It's still not acceptable for a woman to appear tipsy, never mind flat out drunk. You have a drink at the office before going home to have your pre-dinner cocktail with your husband, and no one keeps track of how much wine you drink at dinner. You keep several bottles strategically hidden around the house. You keep a bottle in the car.

We're also real good at denying we have a drinking problem, even to ourselves. And our significant others can be our best enablers, sipping and slipping right into denial with us. Then comes scapegoating others, passing the buck by spreading the blame elsewhere. Addiction is shameful; the addict is a master of appearing "normal." After all, if someone suspects you're an alcoholic, they may try to get you to stop.

Women today are more stressed than ever. They are in the work force (as a single parent or sole breadwinner, or as a necessary second salary), yet still are responsible for the majority of what happens at home -- the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. They have more purchasing power, and are freer to engage in behaviors that were previously off-limits to their gender. Who wouldn't want a little nip now and again?

It really doesn't matter how many responsibilities we have, if there's a genetic factor involved, or if there's an underlying emotional issue, once you've crossed the line and the substance has become addictive, you can't unring that bell, you can't get that horse back in the barn. Ever. The only solution is abstinence. You're not a bad person, you don't simply have a bad habit, you're not weak willed, but you are powerless in the grips of an addiction to alcohol. You can change your life around. I did... one day at a time.

 

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Comments

[PatA]

Denial is not a river in Egypt......my FIL accused his son and I of "doctoring" the lab report that came back saying that my husband's mother blood alcohol was .29. The rest of the family kept saying "brain tumor", "brain tumor"........She was drunk and also while working in her husband's medical clinic took whatever she could get her hands on.......but, did anyone believe it? NO! She was in the hospital (broken ankle where the bone protruded through flesh and she didn't even know it) and as I walked down the hall to see her, I heard her ordering vodka through the local taxi company. Denial. She died an alcoholic. I never knew the real woman.
Yes, we got her in treatment and she left.
It is a miracle that she didn't kill all three of her children at some time or another.
I feel so much for the families who lost their loved ones in the Schuler wreck.

[Jack Straw]

Is it possible to make your point without being a sexist and slamming men in the process?

"Women today are more stressed than ever. They are in the work force (as a single parent or sole breadwinner, or as a necessary second salary), yet still are responsible for the majority of what happens at home -- the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry."

Gee all of my married friends complain how their wives don't know how to cook and only know how to microwave pre-prepared food. And one of them gets the kids dumped on him as soon as he gets home from work and all weekend. Mean whilie she can take "girls night out" and he hasn't played golf in 3 years.

Please, spare me the "poor put upon woman" sob story and stick to some facts.

[Halsey]

I'm a dodo..I meant Psorosis...(sp?)..of the liver..NOT the skin disease..sorry...

[Halsey]

Part I....

It's nearly impossible to wrap one's head around this tragedy...years in the making...and the sick butterly effect that hit the 3 men in the car going the right way...(for a moment..I thought "suicide/murder").."if this perfect woman..was in a depression meltdown, fortified by the exact amount of booze)...we'll never know.

More women driving drunk...(or getting caught due to LEVEL of inibriation)...sad statement on our faultering country... To the author, Deborah, very brave, very honest...as IN YOUR FACE as I've seen about this disease.

[Halsey]

Part II..


I had a friend, Patti, pretty, successful as as office manager...in the many years I knew her..she's get "weepy" after only one glass of wine...a lightweight..BUT obviously..alcohol did something in her chemical make up..to affect her...fast forward..wine became Vodka...countless expensive rehabs..within a week, she's LOOK great again... get out in 30 days..and within a day..I'd get the dreaded call from a drunk woman...meandering, nuts...and of course, denying the drinking EVEN as the ice cube clicked... This wonderful giving woman...died a little over a year ago...bloated, green, comatose...of friggin psorosis...at 55..she was found, alone ..her cats almost starved to death...unconscious..never woke up again..and what is really sad..I think most (all) of us were relieved; there was something, hidden in Patti's life we never saw, could never reach, that she never let out...so it was slow ugly suicide..I believe that in my core...

Deborah...keep doing what you do...vodka..ha!...tell the users..you CAN smell it...it comes out of your pores like gasoline......spouses and friends...do no favors living in their own denial... it's too sad.

[AllShookUp]

Excellent post. It's truly a tragedy that could have been prevented. Unfortunately most everyone who reads this story will think something like this couldn't happen to them, and that's the real problem. Despite losing my brother to a drunk driver, I can honestly say that family members including myself have all driven drunk at least once. That's all it takes, folks. Get in the car when you think you're fine and your family enables you and actually lets you drive despite whatever misgivings they may have because they don't want to upset you. When we make the choice to drink and drive we have to be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law. There is never a good excuse for taking a life, and when Diane's husband stops enabling her even in death and living in complete denial, he might actually be able to face his family again and find forgiveness.

[adcm]

I would be refreshed - thrilled - if this tragic story takes a turn to spiked drinks and brain abscesses. More often, it is that which is the simplest that offers the best answer.

High BAC. The presence of the psychoactive THC molecule. Drunk and high. That she was.

What complicates this, undeniably, is emotion; as well, and maybe more so, is the absence of personal narratives. It's a two-fold absence. The old you-don't-know-until-you've-walked-a-mile-in-someone's-shoes-thing couldn't be truer than it is now. There are many following this tragedy that lack - and probably will never own - a narrative such as the author's. Or mine. Whether that's due to genetics or balanced mental health, I salute you. I even envy you.

There's more though. Up until now, there also has been a profound absence of narratives from the could-have-been-mees out there. The recovering addict/alcoholic is bound so tightly in self-imposed & institutionalized anonymity, and culturally we've seemed to prefer it that way. I mean really, what are you going to think if I tell you about that time that somehow I got so smashed & still drove with my son in the car. This is shame. Embarrassment. Unabashed disgust. This is part of my narrative. But, really, do I want to tell you without the veil of my anonymous screen name; even while I steer clear from alcohol with the most vehement of resolve & passion? (cont.)

[Lori Kay]

There is so much more to this than the alleged "alcoholic" headlines. There is so much more to this than a bottle of vodka found at the scene. This went from tragic to disgustingly irresponsible. And of course the schuler's are being represented by long island's finest, Joseph Buttafuco's lawyer. As someone who personally know's the victims, might I remind people to keep in mind that 8 people died that day. Diane Schuler, alcoholic or not, made a choice that day.
I respect everyone out there who has worked hard to recover from addiction. In my opinion, it's one of the hardest things to ever conquer in this society. But I feel there is such thing as a high functioning alcoholic and even this doesn't cover what Mrs. Schuler did that day.
My friend lost her children in that accident and a family lost a father and a son. For what? I don't think questions will ever be answered. The media needs to give it a rest and let these familie's mourn.
Something happened that day and really, does it matter what that "something" was? She clearly had a problem and that problem selfishly became the problem of the Hance Girls, the Hance parents, The Bastardi's, and the Schuler children.

[chayefsky]

This woman may have been what AA calls a Maintenance Drinker. These types of alcoholics have to drink large quantities of alcohol everyday to prevent the DT's or to prevent The Shakes. They can carry out their daily activities and no one knows they have been drinking.

[hotone]

How sad for everyone involved. It always amazes me how often alcohol, a legal intoxicant, leads to death and destruction. And the fact that more women are heading down that pathway is truly a nightmare, especially when parents trust their friends and relatives to be alert and sober when driving their kids around. I can't imagine the burden that the 5-year-old Schuler son, who survived the crash, will have to bear in his life. Please everyone, don't drive drunk!

[cindercone]

As a mother of 3 and a card carrying member of AA I would like to say thank you for this post. It is truly amazing how fast things can go sideways when you start down the "slippery slope". I can appreciate your candid discussion of the love of chocolate and sugar and how that can also be such a link ... I have found myself a time or two hiding chocolote here and there so I could have a bit of secret eating. Of course friends don't really see the big picture and say, "What's the big deal?"

if you have the genetic makeup you can better understand that this behavior is something to be watched and monitored when it is creeping back to the surface. Recently bought your book and must say ... great read!

[sfergus1]

I can't help but think that there's more to this sad story than a hidden addiction. It seems to me that if she was an alchoholic, that she was a high functioning alcoholic. So far there are no gossipy reports of her getting tipsy at picnics or work gatherings from people who would surely like to distance themselves from her now. There are witness reports saying she was fine at the McDonalds where she stopped for lunch. So I what triggered her to move from high functioning alcoholic (if she was one) into an out of control alcoholic in the span of 90 minutes? It's my opinion that she found out something terrible, or something terrible happened in the interceding time that sent her over the edge. Before heading the wrong way down the Taconic, other drivers reported her driving aggressively, tailgating, weaving, flashing her lights and honking. This was a woman on some kind of mission, to get somewhere and fast. Why did she call her brother for help and not her husband? Her husband was supposed to be fishing but if she had 10 drinks in her why would she remember that fact? Hidden addiction doesn't seem to be even the logical conclusion in this case.

[cisco1]

Thanks for a great article and so much information. Good for you to be doing so well after going thru so much! Sad thing for Diane Schuler is that she never knew what a horrible thing she was doing to herself and family. So sorry for them.

[plex]

Great post! It blows my mind that he could not have seen this coming with his wife, but if he has a past DUI you make a good point about him not being the best possible person to give an unbiased opinion. The whole thing makes me so sad for everyone involved and is one hell of a story. Great stats on the alcoholism increase for women .. very sobering!