Stand by your man . . . no matter who he kills or beats up?

What exactly was Megan McAllister thinking when she said, "I love my fiancé and will continue to support him throughout this legal process"? Or more accurately, what was her state of denial as she watched officers retrieve the panties of Philip Markoff's victims and the gun used to shoot one of them from the hollowed out "Grey's Anatomy" book he kept under the bed they slept in? This was the "loving and caring person" who kept duct tape, plastic zip handcuffs, and a semiautomatic weapon in his home. Just how blind can love be?

Megan's predicament echoes another in the news--there are hints that Rihanna is spending time with Chris Brown. What makes her believe his apologies and promises never to beat her bloody again? Is it simply youthful folly, or is she, like Megan, living out the cultural programming that all women unconsciously carry inside?

Why, one wonders, did smart-as-a-whip Silda Spitzer stick with her hubby, Client No. 9, . . . and forgive him? Here was a woman with a law degree from Harvard holding the hand of the man who spent $15 grand with high-priced hookers.

Because that's what women are trained to do. Oh, the training doesn't have a textbook, or a course at Harvard. It's in both men and women from the moment we emerge from the womb. It's the wallpaper of our lives, and blends into the background of our subconscious to the point where we don't recognize the patriarchal myths that we all believe without thinking, that we learn without words. We're not aware of how deeply patriarchal ideals are ingrained in our cellular memory until we run smack into them.

We modern women are kidding ourselves if we think we're free of these old myths. Before you wonder how Megan McAllister can be in such denial, or are horrified at the thought of Rihanna going back to Chris Brown, think about it. How do you succumb to the old myths? Do you think you'll never catch a guy if you're too fat or too smart? Do you live your life based on what your husband wants or demands? Do you befriend the powerful guys you work with and snub the girls' lunches? Do you think YOU did something wrong when your guy sleeps with someone else or slaps you around?

And men, do you make remarks to your friends about your "little woman" at home? Are you afraid to show your feminine side? Be soft and vulnerable? Even cry? Do you expect your woman to defer to you? Serve you?

Wake up! The legacy of patriarchy is all around us. And the sooner we become aware of it, the sooner we can find the balance we all seek within ourselves and in the masculine-feminine dance of life.

Comments

[arnray]

When I saw the headline for this article I thought it was about Codi Rice defending Bush.

[buckunstoppable]

Okay, as someone who has undoubtedly, at some point in his life, been a beneficiary of the hegemony of our patriarchal society, maybe I'm not the best candidate to call out the argument here. But really--hasn't feminism advanced beyond this reductive thinking? The choices women make all boil down to their patriarchal programming? What is this, the Unified Field Theory of Victimhood?

I do think the McAllister thing is weird. With the Rihanna situation, I shake my head, because even though I know that people can change, I highly doubt it's the case there. Those two cases aside, I think that the ability to forgive can in some instances bespeak of a woman's strength, not her weakness.

[Susan Mann 1]

That is being a bit simplistic. In each case I think these women are in love with the men who they THINK and WISH their partners are - not who they really are. It is fantasy but they are allowing themselves to be hurt in the reality of the situation. I think that is the real issue for both men and women - we were raised to think of what SHOULD be not what REALLY IS. It isn't just a woman's issue - it is a societal issue.

[MonkeyDaddy]

Not to deny the existence of patriarchy, but I do think there may be just a smidgen of difference between standing by a long time husband who cheats and standing by fiance who may be a murderer, serial rapist, batterer, thief and compulsive gambler. Marriage is a deep and complex thing and I generally try not to second guess other people's choices when I don't know all the facts and circumstances. Then there's that forgiveness thing that some people appear to be into, go figure. Marrying the Menendez brothers in prison is something else again. Also, not to excuse anyone's bad behavior but I think there can be enormous pressures on people in positions of power in the public eye that can lead to spectacularly stupid private actions. And, as my 13 year old daughter says, "feminism is about having choices and women don't need other women judging their choices"

[peterg76]

It's not as if men are never manipulated and exploited by women.

[hotone]

Ugh. You'd think after all these years of feminism and women's rights that we wouldn't still be seeing the word patriarchy, but you make a pretty good case. I can't imagine what desperation made Megan so determined to see her killer fiance as a good guy, or would send Rihanna back to Chris Brown. It's easier to understand Silda wanting to keep her family together for her kids... But you're right, we don't see these things until they hit us personally and we react in a way we can't justify logically. Oh well... let the light shine on.