The calendar year starts in September for many families, and along with that comes many adjustments. One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce may be a diminished child-parent relationship.
What happens when you're a kind, loving, caring parent whose relationship has been downgraded for what seems like no reason at all? How do you maintain a relationship with your children when their priorities change from family to now focusing on school and friends? Here are five ways to maintain a relationship with your kids during the school year.
1. Re-frame your thinking: Don't measure time spent with your children in quantity -- minutes and hours -- but in terms of the quality of time you are spending together.
2. Be creative: Keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest -- driving them to programs, helping them with homework and asking them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are and understand what they are doing at school; it will help promote conversation.
3. Let them know you care: Why not create a family calendar? A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school functions will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.
4. Get with the program: Children communicate through many mediums -- text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connected on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms; it's their language and you need to know it.
5. Be introspective: If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself what you are doing to contribute to this dynamic. For instance, do you put your needs before your children's needs? Is your behavior affecting the relationship, including alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues or domestic violence? If so, seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship? Have you ignored the relationship with your kids because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.
Don't allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair and a feeling of not being wanted. Children are the greatest love of all; let them learn and lead the way. In the process, you will have developed a bond that will last a lifetime.
The concept for this article came from The Smart Divorce ToolKit, a one-of-a-kind, cost effective resource to reduce stress as you manage the divorce process, while saving time, money and your sanity. Make smarter choices for a happier, healthier future. Contact Deborah Moskovitch at The Smart Divorce for more information.
Follow Deborah Moskovitch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thesmartdivorce
My daughter was 4 and my son 2 when my ex and I moved our family 1/2way across the country.
5 months later we were separated and on our way to a painful divorce.
I couldn't look at old photos so I stashed them all away. About the time my son turned 4, he became curious about his brief life in California and wanted to see what it was like.
Thinking enough time had passed, I accessed my photo library on the computer. Needless to say, it wasn't more than a couple of minutes before I had to leave the room. It was a few minutes more before my daughter left as well.
The next time my son asked to look at pictures on the computer, my daughter said, "No. They make me cry."
I have been busy trying to make new memories, traditions, in-jokes, etc. with my children.
Knowing all the bloody details, my therapist warned me that I may never be able to look back at those memories as happy.
So I'm stuck with one who's very curious about his past, and one who, like me, wants to continue to forget for a while longer.
cultures do this through crises and regular times. Unfortunately, we have
lost the natural pattern of following our dreams. By discussing them we can
re-institute this way of sharing emotions and life reactions as revealed in
our dreams.
www.couplesatthecrossroads.com
Divorce court continues way behind the current social/familial climate times (need to move from parents rights to children's rights). Win/loose, families don't need that esp. @ such a difficult time. Here in MA the gardian-ad-litum is too powerful, mediation by any 1 (esp. non- attorneys) is not happening. Children become the pawn in a keep-away-game by the "winning spouse". Supervised Visitations applied willie nilly. This article assumes a totally different outcome than what exists in all too many cases.
This is win-lose divorce. The divorce lawyers win and dad and the children lose.
This type of hollow cliche-fest is what the loser-dads are told.
Better advice: Don't lose. You losing is bad for your children and bad for you.
And then you'll have to hear these cliches over and over again.
Parenting is about time. Get equal time with your children. Then in the equal time become the best parent you can be.
Don't lose. Don't buy into the cliches about divorce parenting -- which don't mean a thing to your children. Your children want you. So be there for them -- equal time. Don't lose.
You made some excellent points "become the best parent you can be." "Your children want you. So be there for them". Children are the ones that live out the divorce and the impact can last a lifetime.
We all know the importance of effective parenting, showing love and being there for your kids - so rather than paying lip service to these concepts, make this about doing what is in your children's best and not about your ego. 715, I agree, there has to be a way for the system to help minimize the conflict, rather than exacerbate the animosity that so often results.