I am working on a book currently entitled: "Children and Divorce: The Effects of Abandonment and Estrangement: Understanding the Consequences, The Importance of Healing, And a Chance to Reconnect." While doing my research, I have spoken with many adult children who have shared their stories on how this loss has affected their lives. I'm often saddened by these stories, but in awe as to how many of these adult children have risen above their loss to develop an emotionally healthy outlook on life.
That's why I was compelled to watch psychotherapist, Gary Neuman, who appeared on one of Oprah's last shows. He interviewed two young children, a brother and sister, who were abandoned by their mother when she divorced her husband -- their father. The children were crying, and yet were remarkably articulate in their description of their thoughts and feelings regarding their mother's abandonment of them due to divorce.
While parents divorce each other, they don't divorce their children. Children nonetheless are the ones who live out the divorce because their day-to-day routines, not to mention their emotional lives, are so deeply affected by it. And of course, the impact of being estranged or abandoned by a parent as a result of divorce can have far reaching and long- lasting consequences. Many leading experts on children of divorce question whether the abandonment or estrangement necessarily leads to lifelong behavioral and emotional scarring. They have found that one parent's love, nurturing, and support, can go a long way to helping a child overcome many of the emotional and behavioral issues that otherwise could ensue.
Divorce can affect the closeness of the parent - child relationship for a number for reasons and can take a significant emotional toll on the child. Joan Kelly PhD, one of the foremost experts on children of divorce, defines an estranged relationship between a parent and child as a diminished, thinned out, and less meaningful bond. And, she says that 24% of children from divorced families are seeing a parent once a year, if at all.
In his research, Robert Emery PhD, Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, found that nonresidential fathers saw their children only 4 times per month following divorce, and about 20% of children had no contact at all with their fathers 2-3 years after divorce. Other research concluded that, many college-age students of divorced parents who had a limited relationship with their fathers while growing up stated that they would have liked more contact with their fathers during their adolescence, would have liked to have been closer, and wanted more time together.
A parent's rejection of a child or a parent's inconsistent presence could drastically affect a child's self esteem. One good parent who is loving and nurturing can overcome the negative affects of losing the relationship with the other parent. While the emotional impact on a child resulting from the loss of a parent's relationship could be significant, it doesn't have to be disastrous.
According to psychologist Marsha Kline Pruett PhD, while abandonment doesn't heal easily, a good therapist and a good same sex therapist or male therapist, especially in the case of father abandonment, is helpful for children. In addition the involved parent should continue to build up their child's relationships with other people, continue to help them have successful experiences in the world, and continue to talk with them.
I found the information Gary Newman offered this family interviewed on Oprah insightful and healing, especially for others in this same situation. This is what he advised:
Family is not a just about biology. Find role models who will support and care about you.
Be there for your kids. Be reliable, pay child support, show your love, and do what you say you are going to do.
Provide help. Initiate the conversation about their loss of the relationship with their other parent. Lend an understanding ear. Don't lecture, and don't feel you have to have the perfect answer.
Honesty. Find help for what to say to your children if you don't know what to say.
Children need to be heard. You can't control what the other parent does; you can only control yourself. To help your children get through their pain, ensure that they feel heard and listened to --that gives them value.
As you can see, one parent is enough to set their children up for love for the rest of their lives.
As both Joan Kelly and Robert Emery advise, you don't want your children to see themselves through the lens of divorce; you want them to see themselves as regular children. Their self identification is important and you don't want them to identify themselves as a child of divorce but rather, as an adolescent or young adult who says, "I am a graduate student in psychology," or "I'm a musician and I plan to become a successful jazz pianist." You want your children to perceive themselves with their own goals and aspirations, independent of their status as the children of divorce.
Follow Deborah Moskovitch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thesmartdivorce
My husband's mother walked out when he was two and would drift in and out of his life when it suited her purposes. Throughout his childhood his father would marry and divorce 3x. His mother married 3x and divorced 2x.
The direct impact on my husband is a complete inablity to connect emotionally to other people, myself included. He does great at surface relationships but pretty much has no clue how to be a marriage partner. After being with him for 17 yrs, 12 of those married I think I have given up on having a partner that is capable of emotional intimacy or support. Its painful/ sad for me and for him, I would think very lonely. I really don't know how he feels though.
From what I see his standard of a good marriage is basic: no abuse, no substance problems, mortgage paid= successful marriage.
I find it sterile and soul sucking. I want him to be my friend and confidant. Someone I turn to for companionship, someone that will enjoy life with me. Instead, I feel like everyday is a test of whether I will abandon him too.
The sad part? I think its headed that way. I cannot keep living with someone who just really doesn't seem to care at all. I keep thinking 8 more years....the last child will graduate and then I can fly....
I believe that you are right that one parent can go a long way to helping the child recover, but I am not certain they ever get over it entirely. That is not to say that they are doomed, but the experience is bound to shape them in ways that will have lasting effects.
Thanks again,
Wayne
http://DivorceMinistry4Kids.com
We should start asking serious questions in this country of why the divorce rate is 50% (higher for second marriages -55% I believe) and most are filed by women 80% of the time. I have a hard time believing that men are louses 80% of the time.
By allowing 'no fault divorces' and providing financial incentives like Child Support, and then throw in attorneys who have a vested interest in the 'fighting/conflict' and wham there you go. A family that possibly could have been salvaged by good counseling joins the 50% Failure club.
If you want to fix the system, then parents of nearly equal means of income should share their kids nearly 50% of the time each paying for the costs of the child, sharing the obvious ( medical care, orthodontics care, college savings ) and CS should be minimal
I've listened to your podcasts and I agree with your approach to divorce recovery. I have been through a year and half of DR and I have become aware of a recurring theme. Adult children of divorce often take sides and distance themselves from the other parent. These instances are not related to PAS. What do you do with a 25 year old adult who decides to abandon a parent? In this instance I feel the 25 yr old adult needs to forgive his parent for the sole purpose of healing themselves.
At the end of your life (of course decades or even centuries from now) you'll be very proud of your actions.
Kudos
It would be easy, too, to make it a "male" thing or a "female" thing, but the reality is that men and women alike must share some culpability. Picking each other off because of our gender simply will not lead to anything productive. It's understandable because the pain can be crushng. But picking each other off because of our gender will not lead to anything productive. We've already wasted so much time in our country doing nothing and letting divorce get out of hand. On a personal note, I must tell you, too, that getting a note like this encourages me not to give up. I really do thank you.
http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2011/05/20/a-fight-to-save-a-marriage/
http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2011/06/26/saving-marriages-and-divorce-reform/
Note that Emery's study is about high-conflict, contested custody divorces. They are a minority of cases and not generalizable.
While some couples have no choice but to litigate, that decision must be made carefully as the long term consequences of the battle can be devastating for the family -- it's not all about finances.
That's probably the most significant and counter intuitive finding in the Emery study. One reason I don't reference my own divorce very often is because it is a minority case and has little application to most people. While we did not use mediation, the level of post divorce civility and cooperation in parenting has been remarkably high. It is certainly not what one would expect given the high conflict during the divorce. However I've come to view the conflict as largely externally driven by the attorneys and the court hence my interest in reform.
Self-esteem issues? Permanent emotional scars? Yep. But eventually the parent problem became a small fraction of my life. I had to own my life's quality without blaming it on others. Life was not fair to me as a kid. So? Nobody is going to pay reparations for that.
If I want to enjoy life, I must intentionally work toward that goal; to choose to remember good stuff that happens to me; to forget the sucky parts, or I artificially extend the effect of the sucky parts and fail to appreciate the fun parts.
Or, I could just be miserable, driving off potential friends by ranting about how life sucks and how Fate owes me for the crap I've been through. Hmmm. Which should I do?
I prefer to have fun and gently steer my moods away from darkness like a mother steers her toddler away from fire. Parents? They are important, but the world takes them a little too seriously. Some of us have to raise ourselves, and we have at least as many resources available to us for that job as our parents had for being parents.
Yes, one parent can be enough. Unfortunately, one parent often isn't enough because they have a hard enough time struggling with feelings of abandonment themselves. In a perfect world, both parents could be brave after the separation and instill bravery and love in the children. In reality, it is often hard to love when you feel unloved.
Fortunately, when I married my wife, I gained an extended family that accepted me right off. Their tradition of stability and support provided a good example and needed reference as I took on the life of a husband and father.
Scarred? Sure. I am scarred for life. That doesn't mean disfunctional, though. I learned some hard lessons while young and endured some episodes I don't like to think about. But I learned enough to make things better for my own children. And I hope, when I get grandchildren, that I will see that things are going to be even better for them.
Relocation is another contributing factors to a diminished parent-child relationship. Although a child might have a loving caring parent, maintaining a close connection is sometimes difficult as the finances to travel to see the child(ren) might not be available, or some other reasons. The parent who has relocated with the children must also assume responsibility to ensure the relationship between the child and the other parent remains strong -- this requires work and a good co-parenting relationship.
http://www.military.com/news/article/rep-again-targets-deployment-in-child-custody.html