Grey Divorce is on the Rise

Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly amongst couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or longer. Just look at Tipper and Al Gore, Kurt and Martha Schrader, Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson, Sumner Redstone and Phyllis Gloria Raphael, are some couples that spring to mind. People seem to be scratching their heads and asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn't they last "till death do us part".

The result isn't really all that shocking, when you consider the reasons couples chose to marry have changed over the past 50 years, and that divorce has become more socially acceptable. Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend. Of course, there are many other factors resulting in the breakdown of the marriage, I don't want to over simplify it. But, if you consider how expectations surrounding marriage have changed over the last few decades, and the thought of no longer becoming a social outcast upon divorce, these are some influencing factors behind the increasing divorce rate amongst couples in long term marriages.

I was recently interviewed on national television about the breakdown of long term marriages, or as some would call it, the grey divorce. This is the information I shared:

• Research shows us that more women than men are choosing to make the decision to
leave the marriage.
• Often times when women choose to leave, their husband's are blindsided by the
decision.
• Further, research tells us that women are more likely to leave the marriage for their own
emotional wellbeing, while men are more likely to leave for someone else.
• We are living longer, healthier, fitter lives. When adult children move out of the home,
leaving their parents to become empty nesters, you have many spouses in their 50's and
60's looking at their partner and saying to themselves - "I don't want to spend the next
20 or 30 years or more with you." Why?
o People have decided to no longer look the other way when there are issues of
infidelity, emotional abuse, and substance or alcohol abuse.
o Many couples have drifted apart during the child rearing years, and once the
children have left home, find they no longer have anything in common.
o Often times, many of these couples were living parallel lives during the marriage,
and now want a partner, not a roommate.
o There has been a lack of an emotional and/or intimate relationship.
o People have grown apart and their values no longer mesh.
o Many of these individuals want a best friend and companion with similar interests
and values to live out the rest of their lives; grow old and hold hands.

If you feel your marriage, or relationship is deteriorating because you are no longer the priority, have lost that loving feeling and still love your partner - you're just not in love with him or her, then perhaps marriage counseling might put you back on track.

If you feel that divorce is the only option, you are not alone. Many others are deciding that the" good enough marriage" is no longer good enough.

 

 

 

Follow Deborah Moskovitch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thesmartdivorce

Comments

[Guest211]

05:38 PM on 06/25/2011

Deborah,

I have to agree with a couple of the other posters below that the "...men wanted to be in a position of power" comment left a bad taste in my mouth.

One of the most difficult things to do in divorce is to heal and ensure one maintains a positive attitude of the opposite sex. While many posters arent there yet, writers and those trying to help others have an even greater responsibility to ensure they never make gender based comments which could be misinterpreted (especially when one is making comments about the opposite of their own gender).

[shann115]

10:50 PM on 05/30/2011

I believe that the statistics are worse than you imagine. The average life expectancy of women was age 21 not the 40's. Women died in childbirth or of the same infections that contributed to excess early childhood mortality. Cohabitation in an era when everyone knew their neighbors and no birth control simply did not occur - a scandalized community would pressure the couple to marry. As men lived untl their 40's and did not die in childbirth- there was a shortage of marriageable women. Widows, divorcees and women of marriageable age were matched up, snatched up and (re)married. And housework way back then was hard time-consuming physical labor. There was no time, reason or opportunity for women of the 1700's and 1800's and 1900's to be anything other than a housewife.

[RedRat]

01:57 PM on 05/28/2011

An excellent article and one that describes my marriage dissolution. I had just turned 60 and my ex was a couple of years younger. She had a great opportunity for a far better job on the east coast and I had absolutely no interest in moving there since my job was ideal. Further, we had over the years (roughly 30 years) grown into two very different people than when we first met. Both of us were professionals with fairly good jobs and each had independent finances. There was no reason to stay married. Best decision we ever made. She has since found a new love of her life and remarried and I enjoy my single status, and no it is not playing the bon vivant about town and Playboy central, too old for that sort of thing.

[JoeyDee2]

12:17 PM on 05/27/2011

What's the mystery? They've been suffering longer.

[JustinCFPCDFA]

01:41 PM on 05/26/2011

High profile Gray Divorces have Americans wondering why couples would split after having made marriage work for 25 or 30 years. In my practice I often hear people say it should never have lasted as long as it did.

I don't agree with the argument that divorce has become more socially acceptable. Census data shows that divorces were actually more common in previous decades than they are today so the social stigma has been steadily decreasing. I think the social twist has more to do with the ideals of those in 25-30 year marriages at this stage.

Many in the baby boom generation, including my own parents, believe they should stay together for the kids and this is often the answer to the "Why Now?" question. The kids have left the nest and there is 1) no longer a distraction from the unfortunate state of many marriages when the kids are not around 2) no outside forces (kids) keeping it together. People take time to live more in the moment because they have the time to do so. They take more time to consider their future now that the kids have their own to pursue.

The fact that we are living longer means people in their 50's and 60's still have a lot ahead of them. If they are financially secure this life doesn't have to be about the fear and anxiety of starting over, it can be about making changes for the better.

[sincemydivorce]

11:33 PM on 05/25/2011

While the focus maybe on divorce rates, I agree that that the bigger picture about marriage has changed. Neither men nor women need a partner in the way a partner was needed fifty years ago and living singly is more acceptable today.

I take issue with the statement that more women than men choose divorce - I'm guessing this is based on who files for divorce. In my experience this is not a good indicator of choice. Often times it is an action of last resort taking more courage than staying with the status quo.

[Deborah Moskovitch]

12:23 AM on 05/26/2011

Research indicates that more women than men make the choice to leave the marriage. Unfortunately, I do not know the specifics of the study. But, many lawyers have told me the same result, more women than men made the decision to divorce.

[Jacqueline Harounian]

10:59 PM on 05/24/2011

Great post, thank you for your insights!

[Beverly Willett]

04:40 PM on 05/24/2011

I think this is a disturbing trend; now we have fewer and fewer marriage role models. I wonder how carefully people are thinking this decision through before they run headlong into it. We wouldn't throw away a financial investment of that length and magnitude so easily, why a marriage? To think that it's okay because the children are older is shortsighted, too. Children will suffer no matter how old they are. I do believe that some of these decisions are a reflection of the happiness, self-fulfillment society we live in. If we are unfulfilled, oftentimes we think it must be because of our partners and that change will be the cure. Change is merely changing suffering. Traditional marriage counseling may not work, but marriage education has a proven track record. I wonder, too, what other factors are contributing such as mid-life crises, dare I say it, but menopause, empty nesting, etc. No marriage, long or short, should be easily dispensed with. My own parents and grandparents provided me with healthy examples of long-term commitment. These couples need to think twice about the impact they are having on their children's and grandchildren's own future choices.

[Bold Err]

12:43 PM on 05/25/2011

You sound like one of those people who are proponents of onerous alimony to try to keep bad marriages together so there can be some "role models". I see many long term marriages that are horrendous and damaging to both parties, but neither are willing to take the financial hit to end the marriage. It is horrifying to witness these relationships. They are literally both waiting for the other to die so that they can find happiness. If most states didn't have ridiculous alimony laws, there would be fewer of these toxic relationships.

No one in a long term marriage leaves it on a whim. All factors are considered, and the weight of the length of the marriage tends to make the decision so daunting, that the vast majority who consider leaving the marriage, don't. When the decision is made, it is for good reason, and usually both parties, and society at large, are better off in the long run.

We should be doing everything we can to keep healthy marriages going, and we should also recognize that keeping really bad ones alive is good for no one.

[TKCHI]

09:01 PM on 05/25/2011

Thank you for presenting a logical and well-reasoned POV. Great points!!! I almost always disagree with Willett.

[Beverly Willett]

08:25 AM on 05/27/2011

@Bold. You make too many "assumptions" about me and you know the danger of assumptions. You paint a black and white picture of alimony in our culture that does not exist other. I can speak from experience. Some mothers who stay home to take care of their chidlren while their ex's career rises are expected to "rehabilitative" themselves. You may have anecdotal evidence of a few cases you've seen, but too many people rely on anecdotal evidence to make blanket statements about what must be true and then stick their head in the sand as to the facts. As I've said before, in many of these so-called toxic relationships people are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. "No one in a longer marriage leaves it on a whim" you say? wrong. "All factors" are considered? wrong - because if that were true more would put more efort into the hard work required in marriages rather than jumping ship. The children are not considered in many cases -- because the research is there and if people knew about it and considered it, the divorce rate would be less. People want easy solutoins in our culture; that is what the majority of us are about. Easy solutions and the view that our happiness depends other people giving us what we want. It's a wrong view of reality and destined for suffering in the current marriage and the next. People are not better off and you just choose to ignore the

[RedRat]

02:03 PM on 05/28/2011

Why not just face the fact that marriages are not really intended to last forever. This is a myth and the facts just do not bear this out. Sure, you do have some couples who do stay 'till death do us part", but this is a small minority in this day and age. The idea of death do us part stems from an bygone era when people lived only 45-60 years, e.g., 18th and 19th Century. Today, people can live to 80 years, enough time to be a great grandparent. The social mores and customs of those times, heavily influenced by religion, tended to keep marriages together.

Today, if a couple have grown apart and there is no reason to stay married, then why do it? If the argument is to stay together just out of social custom, then we really have no free society.

[Morrisfactor]

02:07 PM on 05/24/2011

Deborah-

Your comment that: "Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power." sounds like feminist claptrap.

I am sixty years old, know dozens and dozens of men, from plumbers to vice presidents of Fortune 500 companies. No man I've ever talked to IN MY ENTIRE LIFE proclaimed: "Gee, I want to get married so I can be in a position of power."

Men want to get married for most of the same reasons women want: to be loved, to take care of someone and be taken care of, for the mutual enjoyment of having sex, living together and raising children.

By repeating such an ill-considered opinion about why men want to get married, you are practicing misandry.

[Deborah Moskovitch]

02:32 PM on 05/24/2011

The point I was trying to make is that what both men and women are looking for in a marriage has changed over the past 50 years. I gathered my thoughts from extensive interviews I have conducted, one of which was with a leading sociologist. Albeit my comment was very simple, but if you would like more detail, then here is goes…… husbands and wives got married in the first place because they wanted to work as a team to accomplish a lot of important life goals like running a home, being economically secure, raising a family and so on. Those marriages weren’t perfect; they weren’t egalitarian because the husband was the head of the household…. If you ask people why they are married today, as opposed to fifty years ago, they almost never say to have kids or buy a home together or be economically secure. Back in the 50’s, 60’s - even early 60’s, people were not necessarily fulfilled from the marriage but the wife thought the husband was a good provider, he was good with the kids and they had a nice home to live in that was okay. People were happy enough with that.

Today, things are much different, as we both have stated, their goals are the same.

[TheParson]

03:12 PM on 05/30/2011

Morrisfactor's argument above still holds true even 50 years ago.
Stop peddling feminist lies and pseudoscience.

The myth that men get married for reasons of "power" is in the same category of feminist lies that women never commit domestic violence or that women are better parents because of their gender.

Move away from your sexist ideology, please.

[Steve Peck]

10:39 PM on 05/23/2011

Always great advice from Deborah and now you can listen to her on www.DivorceSourceRadio.com. Thanks for helping us navigate through the rough waters of divorce Debbie!