Beat the Bitch? Straight Talk on the B-Bomb

Monday, November 12. A small political gathering in South Carolina, captured by the local Fox affiliate: A female supporter asks John McCain,

"How do we beat the bitch?"

Massive chuckles all around, including from McCain, who looks a tad uncomfortable even as his shoulders shake with mirth. He jokingly offers, "May I give the translation?"

"I thought she was talking about my ex-wife!" pipes up a male supporter, convulsing the group again.

As the laughter subsides, McCain says, "But that's an excellent question."

He launches into some poll results that put him a few points ahead of Democratic presidential rival Hillary Clinton. Finally, finally, he says, "I respect Senator Clinton."

See for yourself how long it takes him to come up with that anemic response:

McCain On, "How Do We Beat the Bitch?"

Okay, so I'm pissed off. (Does that make me a bitch?)

This is the latest "straight talk" from McCain?

This guy wants to be the next leader of the free world, and he gives a free pass to someone calling his opponent a "bitch", calls it "an excellent question"? And it took him all that obfuscating just to be able to rally to say, "I respect Hillary Clinton"! Never confronting the dropping of the B-bomb? Are you kidding me?

Maybe you're thinking, "Don't be so sensitive; McCain just didn't want to slam a supporter on camera."

That doesn't cut it with me.

This guy endures years of torture in a POW camp but he doesn't have the stones to say, "Look, I want to beat Clinton as much as you do, but name-calling is disrespectful, and I won't allow it."

Buddy, if you can't even stand up for respecting women among your own supporters, you're not getting my vote.

Of course, McCain would never have tolerated a booster referring to Barack Obama using the N-word (not to mention, the booster would have been stoned on the spot--and all would have been right with the world, at least in that moment, on that (racism) count. And McCain certainly wouldn't have ignored a supporter referring to Barney Frank with the F-word.

And just imagine the firestorm that would have ensued had McCain responded in a similar way to use by a supporter of those other egregious labels above.

So tell me, why should the B-word be any less taboo?

Where's the national, international, outrage over calling any woman--and, no less, someone of Clinton's success and stature--a bitch?

Calling powerful women bitches--and laughing about it or refusing to take a stand to confront it--reveals just another buried prejudice we need to dig up, air openly, and get rid of.

Instead, too many people, just like McCain, look the other way.

In my book Ambitchous, I argue that women need to reclaim ambition for the positive attribute it is; that we as a society need to stop regarding ambitious women who want to succeed as...what else?....bitches; and that women, ourselves, should stop consciously--or unwittingly--buying into society's double standard that celebrates ambitious men as go getters, but marginalizes ambitious women as bitches.

Socially Sanctioned Self-Sabotage

Because of socially sanctioned self-sabotage, women absorb this culturally condoned vilifying of ambitious women, tamp down our natural drive and desire to achieve, and instead pacify ourselves with ideas spoon-fed to us by the culture about what a "real, decent woman" is and does.

Your ideal gal? She's cooperative, fair-minded, eager to give everyone a hearing. Yes, she values success and it's okay for her to say that.

But admit to being that dirty word "ambitious", to having really big dreams? Well, that's over the top.

And if she's tenacious, determined, stubborn, aggressive, committed to excellence in her field, confident--and especially if she's competing against like-minded male peers and feels entitled to earn her worth, power, and recognition? We swiftly unsheathe the B-word to bring her down hard, to put her in her place.

The fact that it was a woman who dropped the B-bomb at the McCain event is the perfect example of socially sanctioned self-sabotage.

I'm sure this McCain supporter thought she was being edgy and funny.

She's really just buying into the same pap that says a woman isn't allowed to be a strong, powerful leader. And this booster is also denigrating her own right, as a woman, to think and debate critically, to be ambitious, strong, competitive, and to make the contribution she has it in her to make.

She, too, has bought into the socially sanctioned idea that the world doesn't deserve to hear from a smart, opinionated ambitious woman who is trying to lead, to challenge our thinking, and to encourage creative solutions and substantive debate about confronting the fiasco in which we find ourselves. This booster has swallowed the notion that a woman has no business trying to make a difference--not because of disagreement with that person's views or positions, but because she's a bitch (code for ambitious woman who is too big for her breeches).

Unease and ambivalence about Clinton as a powerful leader ripples through the viewer feedback on websites and blogs showing the clip. But I paused when I got to "Hells' Kitchen Guy," who writes, "So what if she's a bitch? Is the president supposed to be a doormat? Margaret Thatcher was a bitch. Golda Meir was a bitch. Indira Gandhi was a bitch. Strong women are bitches. Hillary should wear the name like a badge of honor....My point is that strong women should embrace their inner 'bitch', take the word and make it a positive."

Well, it's a step in the right direction, but we can do better.

I disagree that strong woman=bitch. And I disagree that we, as ambitious women, should seize the bitch label as a virtue--that's not what I'm advocating.

What I am saying is that we, as women, can and should reclaim our ambition as a virtue, not a dirty word. Our ambition doesn't make us bitches. Our ambition is the best of who we are. It makes us better, happier, and more fulfilled individuals. It makes us better lovers, partners, spouses, friends, and community members. It makes us better mothers--because we are happier and because we are modeling for our children a life lived with passion for one's big dreams and dedication to developing our talents and intellect.

As ambitious women, we owe it to ourselves and the world to make the contribution we were born to make. The world deserves to hear from us.

And the world ought to value at least considering, seriously, what we have to say rather than dismissing our ideas based on our gender.

All of us--men and women--can and should do better when it comes to refusing to look the other way.

Hey, we've all been there, at the party where someone we know or like suddenly makes a racist or anti-gay comment or a sexist or an anti-Semitic joke. Maybe we don't say anything, maybe we guiltily join in the chuckles. We want to say something, but we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or embarrass someone. So we do nothing, we go along, under social duress, which only ratifies the harmful language, bias, or outright hatred.

No more, okay? It's a weasel move. Let's own it, and let's stop it. And let's stop vilifying powerful women as bitches, and step up and correct others when they say it.

Senator McCain, that's my straight talk. Hope you're listening.

Comments

[Professional]

"So tell me, why should the B-word be any less taboo?"

OK. First, let's drop the overall childishness of saying "b-word" or "n-word" or "f-word." I hope we're all adult enough to be able to separate words from intent.

Or are we? While it's true that McCain probably could've handled this better, those of you who are equating "bitch" with "nigger," "faggot" or other such terms are being intellectually dishonest.

First of all, bitch isn't necessarily restricted by gender. True, it is more commonly associated with women, but then again "asshole" or "prick" is more commonly associated with men. "Brat" often refers to children. Etc, etc.

Do you know why these words, despite their more common gender/age associations, are still used freely across these restrictions?

BECAUSE THESE ARE ASSAULTS ON CHARACTER. By definition, they are completely separate from the domain of racist or homophobic terms, which demean a person solely because of their skin color or sexuality. "Bitch" isn't used to insult a woman because she is a woman. It insults that person for being malicious, deceitful, unpleasant, or whatever.

I can't believe this even warrants an explanation. Maybe some of you should spend less time screaming from the rooftops before thinking, and more time doing things that people--real people, not ivory-tower academics--care about.

[Backatcha]

Well it seems we have gone full circle ...I do remember Barbara Bush calling Hillary a bitch when George the elder ran....well she said she was a word that rhymed with witch...

This just goes to show what McCain will tolerate in the name of aquiring power. ....straight talk my ass the man has no standards. He is swift boated wiht push polls in S Carolina by Bushco and then he sucks up to Bush....he bitches about Falwell and Pat Robertson and then actively seeks to suck up for support.....no standards ...and as far as I'm concerned the guy is bad juju...given his getting blasted out of a plane on the USS Forrestal ...then getting shot down captured and tortured ....dude seems to have some bad karma

[jwsub28]

As a woman I think that McCain has hit a new LOW.It is a disgrace to call a woman a bitch regardless which side you are on. McCain laughed about it. I called his office and got some scheduling person there, I asked for his washington number because it wasn't listed on his website and after telling her what a disgrace it was that he laughed about it she hung up on me! So, I got his washington number and called and told them the same thing. McCain's campaign is falling so badly.They are desperate, maybe this woman that called Hillary a bitch was a "PLANT".
I live in the south and this disgusting woman that asked the question probably is so intimated by Senator Clinton she had to use the B word. McCain used to be a respectful man , now he is an old man that uses his service in the war, and lets comments like this happen. He offended me as a woman as much as Senator Clinton. Men are intimated by smart women that is obvious. Men have screwed up this world so badly only a woman can make it right again. Thank you McCain, I know now that I will support Hillary Clinton for president.

[gulopartisan]

This is a pathetic "controversy." One of McCain's supporters sees Clinton as the Anti-Christ. So? How many Clinton supporters see Queen Rudy as the Anti-Christ. And isn't it about time that we stopped complaining when someone speaks their mind, however repugnant that mind may be, and start doing the same thing? Maybe if Kerry had been able to say "draft-dodging hypocrite and liar" some of us would have thought he had a spine. But no, the Dems "respect" the pond slime the Republicans have handed our country over to. It's just a high school rivalry, after all, not a battle for the soul of the country and the future of its people.

We are surrounded by liars and thieves. We should be saying so. And we don't need to applaud what they say back or what their supporters say; we just need to accept the downside of freedom of speech.

[eshalom]

Thank you, Debra. This is the first objective and fair commentary I've read in the Huffington Post about Hillary Clinton. And in the process you did an excellent job of standing up for equal rights for all women. I'd like to add that I find appalling the notion repeated in the Huffington Post and throughout the media in the past few weeks that anyone who has achieved frontrunner status in America deserves to be personally attacked - ripped to shreds - from all sides. Destroying one's opponent instead of competing by doing one's best is the American way?

I'm a relative newcomer to the Huffington Post, and I've been dismayed by the barbaric treatment of those whom this blog opposes.

[escapee]

Well, it certainly looks like McCain has welcomed the "Merchants of Hate" into his campaign!

[snaggster]

"And McCain certainly wouldn't have ignored a supporter referring to Barney Frank with the F-word."

So, McCain denounced Ann Coulter when he used the F-word to describe John Edwards? I must have missed that. I think you give him too much credit.

[jmsc1965]

Excellent, thoughtful commentary on what was wrong with this picture.

For the wider world, however, and for all the people who deem themselves sensible, decent, honorable folks, especially men (of which I am one), I am shocked and disappointed that the universal and instantaneous reaction from all -- McCain, the media, the other candidates, everyone -- was not outraged and indignant condemnation. Simply put, this was no different than referring to others -- as suggested -- with the N-word or the F-word or the S-word for Hispanics or any of the unfortunately endless list of similarly hateful terms.

[CosmicRocker]

Maybe I should just start calling McCain et all "warpigs"

[barrycourage]

Dr. Condren,

I certainly agree that bright, talented women have been intimidated and held back in the workplace by sexist attitudes. I also see that the "b-word" has been used to foment disdain for and envy of talented and successful women.

However, after viewing the video, several times, I disagree with your take on McCain in this instance.

After he heard the slur, it was obvious from his facial expression that he was disturbed by it. His "May I give the translation?" response was graceful and acknowledged that the name caller was out of line without being confrontational. It would have been extremely destructive for him to breach decorum.

Notice that McCain didn't laugh until another participant said he thought the remark was aimed at his ex-wife. And even then, McCain covered his face in embarrassment.

McCain's "that's a good question" remark was aimed at the substance, not the invective, of the question.

I call that an appropriate response.

And I call that exceptional progress for John McCain.

Quite a difference from the McCain who was sucking his own toes every five minutes a few months ago. Remember his take on Romney's then position (it likely has changed six times) about immigrants:

"Maybe his solution will be to get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn."

Maybe McCain should bring HIS small varmint gun on the campaign trail and drive those catty Barbara Bush-type country club snobs off of the putting greens.

Or maybe McCain and everyone else should use the "b-word" to describe women like the one who slurred Hillary when their behavior is nasty or offensive or downright evil.

Call me a "prick," "putz," "dickhead," and the like for saying so, but I believe the "b-word" is suitable to describe women whose bad behavior has earned them an epithet. Not as an attack on women with integrity who are pursuing success in their careers. Not as a sexist tool against ambitious women. But as a description of women who do despicable things.

Continued

[Jazzylady26]

You know what, I'm glad! Now white women know how it feels for us as black women to be called bitch. It's an awful feeling isn't it? Not that it's going to get the slip sloppers from doing it (my name for hip hop), but at least you understand now. Do me a favor and get your white kids to stop buying that mess, any song which contains bitch in the lyrics, that's why slip slop "artists" continue to produce that music, because your teenagers continue to buy it. So, do a sister a favor, stop your kids from buying that music while you're in this mood and kill that industry for me. Thank you very much, lol.

[elion10]

Hey~ its politics..
Anyone who thinks politics is anything more than a street fight is kidding themselves..

You think Hillary cares that some woman called her a bitch? Ha!


For example- if John Kerry has simply called the Republicans out- "anyone who wants to challenge my military service can meet me outside"

He'd be president.

Hillary has taken harder punches from better people- and can return the punch--

So- hey- go ahead and call her a bitch- and remember that- when you're eating those words..

[LindaJay]

What is sad about this whole thing is that we know what would happen if it came from our side of the aisle. If they had a woman running and someone on our side had called her a "bitch" in public, you'd be hearing from Rush/O'Reilly/Hannity/et al for the next few weeks. We'd be the sexist, vile democrats.

Another sad thing is that McCain would already be out of the race if one of his supporters had used the "N" word against Obama and he had reacted in the same way. That would have caused mass outrage, and should. But it seems that you can say degrading things about women without consequence in a public forum anytime you wish, and their won't be any consequences. At least not if you're a republican. Sure does make you think. And it probably explains why there is so much blatant vitriol against Clinton on this site. Supposedly enlightened democrats here have no problem using every sexist expression they can think of against Hillary. It's one thing not to agree with her, and not to support her. It's quite another to use that kind of language to do it. It kind of reminds me of Imus. And I would bet all those democrats who think it's okay to call Hillary a bitch constantly were perfectly horrified at the language Imus used in describing the women basketball players. Just something to think about.

[Hanky]

it's not an insult if it's true.
Being a B isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I'm no fan of McCain, but you really can't fault him because a WOMAN asked that question.
I think anyone would have been unsure exactly how to tackle that question.
Even if he had said, "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but please back off on the names" there would still be a bunch of strident voices with their panties in a bunch.

[PDBudd]

What a fine article. So many points I was thinking about you covered, Debra.
Although it may be part of Southern ignorance-- I live in the redneck state just to the north of the rude woman who probably thought she was being cute--to name call that way, I think this is just the beginning of opening some forms of hatred we have never had the opportunity to publicly express before.
Whether a white, well-educated, professional woman or a philosophical intelligent, blacks man runs for president all those prejudices and hatreds that have held women and black down since our country began are going to rise up and shock us into facing ourselves.
What a revolutionary time we are living in!
The fact that there is a real chance for someone other than a white male to become the U.S. president really is a sign that "the times they are a'changin."
It may be too much for us to also hope we can be civil to one another in the process.