Of all the crazy things I've been asked about regarding The Fine Art of Small Talk ("Dear Debra, I know my boyfriend is going to propose but I don't want to marry him" -- ohhhhh.), it's the everyday situations that can cause the most jitters.
We are in the thick of the holiday season, which means lots of parties, dinners, gift exchanges, cocktail events, company soirees and neighborhood gatherings. Here's a short and sweet cheat sheet to get you through some of the stickiest situations.
There are some hard and fast rules:
•Arrive with three topics to talk about; think of these as your safety net should you need them.
•Always be polite.
•Always be gracious.
•Always smile.
•Remember that you are likely harder on yourself than necessary.
•Remember that a lot of people get nervous, a lot of people are shy, a lot of people are uncomfortable -- and those people are dealing with their own anxieties so they are not paying attention to yours.
•Alcohol or 22 cream puffs will not make the situation better. Ever.
•Steer away from foul language and sexual innuendos or starting any sentence with 'I heard this joke that is SO funny. You are going to laugh SO hard. Now let me see if I remember it...'
•If you have that little voice that says 'maybe I shouldn't say this,' listen to that voice. And listen good.
•It is not your responsibility to babysit other adults; but it is your responsibility to be a good guest or a good host by introducing yourself and participating in conversation.
•If someone, including you, thinks you've had too much to drink you probably have.
•You don't have to answer every question -- your weight, your income and your relationship can be off limits if you wish them to be.
If You've Met Someone Before But Have Forgotten Their Name -- Again.
It's so good to see you again. Forgive me; I've temporarily forgotten your name. Will you remind me?
If You've Met Someone 20 Times Before But Have Forgotten Their Name - Again.
Discreetly ask a friend to remind you and if that doesn't work: It's so good to see you again. Forgive me; I've temporarily forgotten your name. Will you be kind enough to remind me?
If You've Been Given A Gift That You Hate:
Thank you for thinking of me.
If You've Been Given A Gift But Didn't Give One to the Giver:
Thank you for thinking of me.
If You Were Expecting A Year-End Bonus and Received a Jelly Of The Month Membership:
Thank you for thinking of me.
If You Are Hosting A Dinner And Guests Are More Than An Hour Late:
Make sure nobody is stranded on the highway and then encourage your guests to begin dining. It appears John and Jane are running a bit late; let's begin and they will join us when they arrive.
When John and Jane Do Finally Arrive:
We're so glad you're here! Let me take your coat and get you settled; we started dinner; please sit down and allow me to get you a plate.
When You Are Serving Alcohol But You Know a Particular Guest Doesn't Drink:
May I offer you something to drink?
When Someone At Your Event Has Had Too Much To Drink And Is Being Obnoxious:
Wow -- it's getting late! Thank you for joining us. Let me get your coat.
When Someone At Your Event Has Had Too Much To Drink And Drove To The Party:
Wow -- it's getting late! I hired Uber for tonight's party; your driver is outside. Let me get your coat and walk you out.
When Someone At Your Party Has Food Allergies or Sensitivities That You Were Not Aware Of Prior To Arrival:
My apologies for not being aware; the salad and dessert are both (fill in the blank: gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free) but the main coarse is not. May I offer you something else, such as a piece of chicken?
When Someone At Your Party Has Food Allergies or Sensitivities And Brought Their Own Food:
Thank you! Let me plate this for you and then we can sit down!
When Someone At Your Party Shares Big News That Is Not Necessarily Good News (divorce, job loss, illness, the latest Kardashian episode): I'm so sorry to hear this news, John. How can we be of support?
When Someone At Your Party Shares Big News That Is Very Good News:
What wonderful news, John! May I offer a toast to celebrate (make a heartfelt toast.)?
When Someone At Your Party Is Intent On Talking About Things You Do Not Wish to Discuss (politics, religion, money, the Kardashians):
Gosh, I don't think we have enough wine in the house to tackle this issue tonight! Speaking of wine, I was thinking back to the best gift I ever gave and it was the trip to Napa I surprised Steve with in 2008. What was a favorite gift you gave or received?
When You Are Stuck In A Conversation That You Want to End:
It was great catching up with you. Excuse me, I see Jane just walked in and I must say hello.
You've Insulted Someone By Mistake:
Forgive me! I did not mean to hurt you in any way (change the subject quickly).
You Are Tired and Want Everyone to Leave:
This was such a fun night (stand up, begin clearing dishes, do not open more wine.) - thank you all for being here.
Whatever situation you are in, remember that being kind and generous usually solves most problems. If that doesn't work, remember it will all be over soon.
Happy Holidays!