What does it mean to be a good man? The question preoccupied venture capitalist Tom Matlack so much that he founded The Good Men Project. Called "a cerebral new media alternative" to traditional men's magazines and a glimpse into "enlightened masculinity," The Good Men Project is an online magazine featuring articles on a range of issues that impact men, from fatherhood, sex, and politics to ethics, war, and gender.
Matlack does not shy away from difficult subjects and considers The Good Men Project as much a social movement as a magazine. (The Web site is for-profit, but a collection of first-person essays released as a book by the Good Men Foundation will donate proceeds to the Boys and Girls Clubs, among other charities.) He's also keen on offering alternatives to stereotypes about the American male. "Men are not Bud Light commercials," he says. "And they're as complicated as women." We caught up with Matlack to get his take on post50 modern manhood.
There's been a lot of buzz in the media around articles like Hanna Rosin's "The End of Men" in The Atlantic and a more recent one along similar lines by Kate Bolick called "All the Single Ladies." They in part evoke the extent to which the global economy is shafting men and favoring women. What's your take on that - and how men face the challenges of 'reinvention'?
TM: I think that class plays a huge role. To say that that we're looking at 'the end of men' when you're talking about upper middle class white guys is insane. We're doing just fine. We have all sorts of emotional intimacy issues, but if we're talking purely about economics, you know, the world is still run by white men. But if you talk about men of color and men who are middle and lower class, she's absolutely right.
I think it comes down to what it means to be a good man in America -- and a father and a provider and all that good stuff. When your legs have been completely chopped out from under you and you were working at a GM plant or in construction and you no longer have a job - and somebody tells you that you're supposed to be a nurse or a medical technician or whatever - it's very hard for men to make that adjustment, particularly later in life.
How do you approach manhood and aging?
TM: Ever since I realized that I was completely off-track in my own life, I've tried to figure out what I'm passionate about. And often I've looked toward other men who I respect, even if they're entirely different from me. I listen to their stories and find out what they can teach me. We don't have enough mentoring in our culture.
Where do older men go to hear other men's voices and stories?
TM: We've been trying to create a forum where it's alright to talk about what it's like to be a soldier in Iraq, or in jail, or a foreman in a GM plant, and trying to be a good guy and a good father - and failing. What do you do when you fail? I don't think we have enough space in our culture for that. There's so much celebrity nonsense. All we get is the Bud Light commercial.
I'm struck by the extent to which women's voices and concerns dominate the market when it comes to aging. Why do you think this is the case?
TM: I think there are two things going on. On the one hand, our culture forces the myth of youth on women, so there's an obsession among them to constantly figure out how to stay young.
As far as men go, there used to be mid-life crises. I don't think we have mid-life crises any more. We just have crises. And men are really confused. Sure, age is part of that, but it's not a dominant thing. It used to be that you turned fifty and you'd buy a new car or get a mistress or you do whatever because you felt like shit. You'd think: My life is over and I haven't done anything that I think is really important. These things are happening for men a lot earlier. It happened to me when I was thirty-one.
Men are trying to figure out a very complex set of issues: Being thought of as fathers in very different ways as our own fathers; trying to sort out how to be important without putting all our emphasis on work. So asking what it means to get old is overwhelmed by other issues. Men tend not to enter into that conversation, particularly if it's viewed as a conversation about some version of female beauty, which is such bullshit, but unfortunately that's how our culture works.
Where does the myth of the sexy older woman fit into all this for older men?
TM: Well, my wife hates when I talk about her, but I tell her all the time: You get more beautiful every day. And I honestly mean that. I tell her, if you get any kind of plastic surgery, I'll go insane. I find the obsession with youth so misfounded. Never mind the damage it does -- it's just wrong. We ought to look at the aging process overall.
What about the notion that older men lust after younger women? Your site has featured pieces about this. Do you think this is true, or that it's more of a cultural stereotype?
TM: I think there's something in the older man's attraction to youth that revolves around the idea that because they're older and more powerful, the relationship with a younger woman is going to be simpler. They're not going to be challenged the way they might be in a relationship with someone who's the same age and has the same power base. It's kind of like, if you're married to your daughter, she's not going to give you that much shit.
In your post "The New Macho" you suggest that for some men "virtual sex is better than real sex with a complex women."
TM: Unfortunately, we are culturally afraid of looking at sex as intimacy. Of course, the secret is that that's what's so great about it. That's what's so beautiful about it. Going to a strip club is really not that much fun - for anyone involved. It's not that great, nor is being married to someone who's half your age. It just doesn't work after awhile in most cases, from what I can tell.
I think dealing with the complexity, the challenge and the emotional intimacy of having sex is something we as a culture don't do very well. For whatever reason we talk about it in the most distorted ways. We love to talk about Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen and all gather around the water cooler talking about how bad they are. At the same time, prostitution, the sex trade and pornography are exploding. We're all participating in it. But no. It's Tiger Woods. He's the bad guy.
He has blogged right here on Huffpo that he lives so far away from his first family, that his son only gets to visit him during the summer months.
I'm sorry - but that is a CHOICE. And it is not just a choice, but it is a TERRIBLE choice - a choice that cannot but have severe repercussions on the psycho-spiritual development of his young boy.
Yes, we can benefit from examples and role models of good men, and of good women, too. But they need to walk their talk, and make choices that are truly in the best interests of their children, who didn't ask for any of the problems that divorce inevitably brings them.
However, I never looked to the media to tell me what a good man is like. There's no difference to me of how a good man should act compared to a good woman. A man being kind or generous or sensitive is not being feminine. Not that being feminine or having "feminine traits" is a bad thing.
I think that's how people can be confused because the media tells men to not be like that because it's not 'masculine'. The media is damaging to both men and women because it tries to put us in a box, saying "you're this" or "you're that" because you have a certain sex organ.
From Wikipedia:
Deida published the book Intimate Communion in 1995 and It’s a Guy Thing in 1997 outlining his ideas on psycho-sexual development and universal masculine and feminine identities. In 1997 he published The Way of the Superior Man and in 2001 a series of personal essays called Waiting to Love: Rude Essays on Life After Spirituality. His book Finding God Through Sex was released in 2002 and outlined practices for dissolving fear and self-boundaries during intercourse. Deida’s semi-autobiographical novel Wild Nights: Conversations with Mykonos about Passionate Love, Extraordinary Sex, and How to Open to God was published in 2005 and tells the story of developing friends, sexual intimacy, and God awareness through the guidance of a spiritual teacher. Deida published his book The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover in 2004 and he discusses the topics of love and expanded awareness in his 2007 book Instant Enlightenment.
My Dad gave me respite from my Mom's constant rules and saved me from her (justified) wrath more than once! He taught me about everything and the basics of life ('treat everyone well','trust once') and encouraged me to go for my dreams and have fun doing it. He had great taste in women (my mom, his sweetheart of 27 years), and was an angel when my wife fought cancer for 5 years...coming to dinner all the time with his sweetheart, keeping her company (she was handicapped) when I had to be out, visiting her at hospital and most of all holding my hand when her 2 hour exploratory surgery turned into a 12 hour life and death marathon.
He was my best friend until he died; I could always have a great conversation with him and the first person I'd go to for advice because he just plain had a heart of gold. I helped nurse my mom through cancer (my sibs didn't bother), settled her estate and handled his finances, then his sweetheart asked me for legal help (I handled her assets and legal matters for 20 years), and it was out of my love for them (no charge, ever.) My wife and I couldn't have children, so we endowed a no-kill shelter; my sibs went crazy over my 'waste of money' (they still expect to inherit my estate, foolish folks!) but he backed me up publicly. (Then asked me to set up a trust for his feral spay/neuter program without my sibs knowing, which I did with a wink and a smile! My sibs only discovered that little gem after he died.) Every stray that came to his door got a trip to the vet (spay/neuter, shots), a collar, microwaved canned food at least twice a day in his own personalized dish (ok, that's kinda strange)...and he and his sweetheart loved every single one of them dearly!
When his sweetheart got alzheimers, she appointed my father as guardian and I as her lawyer (validated by the court, who found her daughter was physically abusive, and just wanted her money.) He kept her with him and cared for her so lovingly it was heartbreaking; in his final illness per his instructions. I made sure the court appointed a good guardian for her assets and she's in a very nice (and expensive) facility; her daughter is still waiting.
My father was the finest man I ever met; smart, compassionate, charitable, loving. I'm very lucky to have that kind of role model. I only wish I could be half the man he was...the world is far poorer for his loss.
You don't seriously believe that ONLY WOMEN make a good man?
Again, I hope you're merely kidding, otherwise, you need a reorientation in the vast land of Manhood.
Without the men to enforce the rules what you have are juvenile delinquents, loved to pieces by their doting mothers and permissive girlfriends who will continue to have kids with them, no matter how many kids they've had with other women.
I can assure you, right now at this moment, there is a woman raising another woman's nightmare whom she calls "my son". Without men in the lives of boys you hardly ever have good men.
The man is trying to encourage men not to make it a big deal if they have to stay home. In your mind however, he did not like his wife. Did you read the same piece as everyone else?
In EVERY organization involving humans, there is ALWAYS one person who leads. No matter how "equal" the parties are (even the US has a president; medical associations have their leaders, etc). While it is true that all parties must contribute to the process of decision making, the leader eventually makes the decision. One major reason that marriage is failing in the west is because feminists oppose this simple rule. Anything that has more than one head is a monster.
She was brilliant, smart, hard-working, an old-style 'lady' without any arrogance at all, compassionate, kind to a fault (I had a lot of those which she never mentioned, and when I apologized would just wave me off and give me a kiss.) She was smarter than me and kept me on my toes (which I loved.) We would discuss finances or plans, she always saw things I missed and 'we' made great decisions (and there was never a 'that's your fault' uttered by either of us...EVER.)
She always made me feel like I was the best thing she'd ever seen. I cherished that woman and was devoted to her; and I think she kinda liked me, too.
Yes, she was gorgeous and got prettier every day, especially during her fight with cancer. I have no doubt she could have traded up with no problem; my male friends were clear that she was the finest woman they ever met. I made sure she'd be well-protected by them if I died first, and she could have had any one of them with a glance and a smile.
She was quite a lady, and I'm still honoured that she chose to share her life with me. ♥
" because they're older and more powerful, the relationship with a younger woman is going to be simpler. They're not going to be challenged the way they might be in a relationship with someone who's the same age and has the same power base." Makes complete sense :)
I 100% agree with what he said about talking of sex in distorted ways...."We love to talk about Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen and all gather around the water cooler talking about how bad they are. At the same time, prostitution, the sex trade and pornography are exploding." We def need to put more emphasis and awareness out there of how bad prostitiution, sex trade, and pornography are.
very many of them. Most women are shrews who want to dominate and control. The best
thing a good man can do is to stay away from women.