During our first "child birth" class my husband and I sat back and listened as the 15 other couples in the room explained what they were most afraid of about having a baby. Woman after woman listed all the scary things that can happen during delivery and how they were afraid of having to have a c-section, an epidural, or be bedridden because of some unforeseen complication. When they got to me I explained that the actual birth wasn't scary to me, at the most it's a few hours, but the actual raising of the child, the day to day care-giving, was going to last years, decades even, and I was a bit freaked out about that. Not to mention the fact that I hadn't even babysat since I was a teenager. I didn't have any nieces or nephews that I could learn from and all of my friends with babies lived thousands of miles away making it difficult to spend time with them. Add to that the fact that we had been living in Los Angeles for only 2 years and hadn't made many good friends and neither of us had family closer than a 4 hour plane ride, so we were pretty much in this one alone. The closer the due date came the more I feared I would be the worst mother in the world, unable to change a diaper let alone raise her to be an intelligent, caring girl. My husband's response was short and to the point, he was afraid of her turning 16, end of discussion.
Well, my daughter just celebrated her First Birthday and I must say, I do have the diaper-changing thing down. I was also grossly misled to think labor would last only a few hours...try a few days, followed by the dreaded c-section. Perhaps not being afraid of that made me get through the awful pain (I am not one of those women who will tell you it was "beautiful" because let me tell you, it wasn't. Not for one minute. But it is worth it). All in all, I feel my fears were a little silly. Of course I would learn the basics, and they aren't lying when they say it comes naturally. I didn't have any trouble with learning to give her a bath and change her clothes and calm her down when she was upset...it just worked. What I have learned in 12 months is that as one fear slips away into the back of your mind, a new one pops up. Perhaps it's just human nature, you are never going to be completely happy or comfortable, where would the fun in life be without the scary "unknown" factor. The trick is getting past those fears and learning from them instead of giving into them and being worried all the time. What kind of mother would I be if I allowed my anxiety about driving with her in LA traffic to keep me house-ridden for her entire life? You just bite the bullet and make yourself face the fears and although it might be absolutely terrifying to go out of your comfort zone, you eventually realize it's not that big of a deal to strap her in the car seat and go to Target. It might even make you feel more like an actual person (quite unusual for a new mom, especially one who is breast feeding). It's really the same principle for every new fear, even though they seem so much scarier as the child grows.
Now that she's walking I'm worried about her getting into dangerous things like the heavy pots and pans she's become so obsessed with. I'm also worried about teaching her boundaries since one-year olds pick and choose when to listen to the word "no" (of course they also hear it about 50 times an hour so I can understand that they would tune it out at some point). Since she is walking it seems she can disappear from my sight in a matter of seconds resulting in some terrifying situations, like the time we forgot to put up the gate and she found her way to the stairs. My little adventurer thought it would be fun to climb up while holding onto a book...needless to say she got one step up before falling down, much to the horror of her mother. I learned that day to ALWAYS double check that the gate is up while she (hopefully) came a little closer to learning that climbing while holding another object probably isn't the smartest move. Of course I thought I was the worst person in the world for not watching her every second but I realized that all parents are going to make some major mistakes and the fact that I got to her quickly saved that situation from being much worse.
One of the fears that has been with me since I became pregnant, or maybe even before, is the fear that by not working (I've chosen to stay home and raise her instead of working and having to have a nanny) I will give up a big sense of self and perhaps in doing that will not be as complete a person and mother. Will that missing link be a problem when I raise her, will I resent her for it or at the very least loose out on intellectual stimulation making it harder to pass down knowledge to her? Having friends on both sides of the spectrum, some who work crazy jobs and have nannies or use daycare and some who haven't worked a day since their first baby, hasn't helped to answer my question. Many of them love working while others can't wait for the day they can stay home. Of course there are the moms who are full-time at home and on many days wish they could get dressed in a nice outfit and mingle with adults who talk about things other than breast feeding and Baby Einstein. It might be a long time before I really come to terms with giving up my career, but ultimately I do feel it was the right thing for my family and me. If I still worked I wouldn't have the time to make her food from scratch instead of jarred food, I wouldn't have seen her first steps or her first attempt at eating solids all by herself. Somehow that seems to trump going into a job everyday having to deal with deadlines and bosses and all the other negatives that come with a career.
Each day is a learning experience not just for my little explorer, but for my husband and me as well. I've learned that I don't come first anymore; I don't even necessarily come second. I've also learned that it's ok not to take a shower until her 3 PM nap, there are just some days that you're lucky to shower at all. The most important thing I've learned is that no matter what, she is my favorite person in the world, and the fears all seem to melt away when I see her smile at me in the morning when I walk into her room and she is playing in her crib. At that moment I realize that I created that little piece of perfection, and there was no fear in that moment at all.
