About a week ago, I told my 10-year-old son that all of his friends from his old school were attending a Valentine's Day disco this year with girls. "Isn't that funny?" I remarked. "I mean, I can't imagine you going to a dance with a girl!"
His response: "You know nothing about my private life."
I reported that exchange on my Facebook page.
Shortly thereafter, a friend with two teenagers commented wisely, "This is only the beginning."
As my children are but 10 and seven, the teen years and all of their related angst and drama still seem so far off. And yet, every time I open up a newspaper lately, I'm confronted with a new (and often disturbing) fact about teens.
On the basis that forewarned is forearmed, here are five things we all need to know about teenagers these days:
I actually learned this over the Christmas holidays when I tried (in vain) to reach one of my teenaged nieces by e-mail. Her father (my brother) shook his head. "Kids don't use e-mail anymore," he said. "They don't even use voicemail. If you want their attention, text them." He's right. According to a new survey, e-mail use dropped 59 percent among users aged 12 to 17. Instead, young people are turning to social networks to communicate, which accounts for 14 percent of time spent online in the U.S. Michelle Obama's views notwithstanding, Facebook accounts for most of that growth.
In studies at Temple University, psychologists used functional magnetic resonance imaging scans on 40 teenagers and adults to determine if there are differences in brain activity when adolescents are alone versus with their friends. They found that teenagers, unlike adults, are more likely to misbehave and take risks when their friends are watching. The good news? They'll grow out of it. The bad news? There's a lot of room for accidents and bad decisions in the meantime.
OK, this might not be all that surprising, especially for those of use who choose to re-live our high school years every week on Glee. But it's comforting to know that this well-known fact is apparently grounded in science. According to a paper published in the American Sociological Review, the more central you are to your school's social network, the more aggressive you are as well -- unless and until you reach the very top. The take-home point? Social climbing equals meanness. (Something tells me this might also be true for adults, too...)
This is both alarming and depressing. According to yet another recent study, heavy drinking in the late teen years often continues into adulthood and is associated with long-term alcohol-related problems. But here's another interesting finding: Teenagers who are raised with a religious outlook are less likely to abuse alcohol (at least through early adulthood). So think again the next time you hear someone say, "Oh, they're just kids! We all binged when we were kids!" Or send your kids to Church.
Well, here's some good news (at least for some). Sexually active teens don't necessarily do worse in school. According to a study presented at the American Sociological Association last summer, teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. (The same is not true for teens who engage in casual "hook-ups" -- their academic performance does deteriorate when compared with teens who abstain.) The moral of the story? If your teenager is going steady, don't sweat it -- at least on account of his or her grades. But you might want to be sure they're being careful. American teens use condoms and birth control pills considerably less than their counterparts in other industrialized countries, have more abortions and have considerably higher rates of HIV and STDs.
Follow Delia Lloyd on Twitter: www.twitter.com/realdelia
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It's tough parenting teens, even when they are "good kids." There are so many influences on a kid and every time I think about that whole frontal lobe not being developed in either of my teens (13 and 18), I want to take them under my arm and lead them from place to place all day long. I suppose it was a hard for my parents, too, but sometimes it seems overwhelming as a single parent to control the input/influences in their lives. I just keep trying.
In no way am I being rude, but I promise you they will resent you if you're hanging over them, even when they are online on Facebook. I realize that you are concerned about who they talk to on the internet, but most teenagers today are more technologically adept than older people. If your daughter has the understanding of social networks to block their mother from seeing their wall, then I wouldn't be overly concerned with what they do on Facebook. Most recent studies indicate that teens and 20-somethings are better about keeping revealing information off the internet than older generations.
I offer an alternative to the un-rude, albeit arguably off-target comment by stouvert. It may be true that children are generally more adept at hiding "revealing information" on the internet, maybe because they have more need to do so, and what does that capability have to do with parental obligation and responsibility?
I agree that kids should not be "figuring things out themselves" in their 20s, but it is specious logic to conclude the key factor retarding kid's awareness of "things" is parental involvement. The truth is that too many kids wander astray because of the lack of parental involvement rather than the opposite.
I believe the advice, "leave them alone", is so non-specific that it is virtually useless, in fact, if taken at face value, a parent would be required to terminate communication, relinquish authority, abandon responsibility, and eschew concern for the well being and positive development of their kids; all apparently justified by the odd notion that kids will figure things out, and apparently raise themselves.
It is correct to say that if your kids are in their twenties and remain tethered to parental opinions, beliefs, and permissions, then the parent is mostly to blame. It is incorrect to propose the way to avoid that scenario is to leave them alone.
I am not promoting domination or smothering children with rules and restrictions. Being an engaged parent walks the mid-ground between that, and "leaving them alone."
Best of Luck!
Lawson Meadows
For me, the good news is that my kids are both over 30... whew!
For some of your facts, I see no problem of note: use of texting vs. emails for instance. I do both, but still prefer emails for the longer stuff... A also write a letter or a note now and then. The choice seems to be the age of the person I am contacting and the length of the correspondence. If I have a long message for a younger person, I will text them, "Call me now!" ... it seems to work.
Coincidentally, I stopped in traffic recently beside a car with three young ladies, each engrossed in texting. The windows were down, so not being shy in the least, I said, "Hey girls! Are you all texting each other?" After the surprise that one of the "ancients" would risk speaking to them, they looked at each other and broke up with laughter. The one in the passenger seat said, "How did you know?" My response, "I raised teenagers, and survived!", which left her with a puzzled look that will remain until at least a decade after her first born arrives.
Back to your 10 year old: If you think he has a private life now, wait until he begins driving; helping him develop self-confidence and self-reliance is helpful.
Good luck with that!
Lawson Meadows